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onsdag 13 augusti 2014

Your Queen Angelica

After finishing up a little clean up of my websites and adding some new gifts here and there I came up with the great idea to make a blog about each site. Which will take for ever. I haven't even made all the videos I had planned yet. That is me, always on a new idea before finishing of old ones. This is my site about myself really, so don't expect to find much as I don't like to be seen. I have some private stuff here, if you look for it, but most of it is very old - ancient even. I've neglected all my sites and all my graphics work immensely for a very very long time. I had so much plans, but life came between. I had hoped that all the affairs that bothered me, with lawyers and stuff, would be long time over by now, but it just keeps dragging out. I've written a few blogs about those matters here and I have also made a couple of fun videos in swedish I'm so amuzed by. I was very naughty and read my counterparts letters to the court, immitating them. Well, I actually made fun of how they sound in my head. It's very well deserved as I've done nothing wrong by them, so why did they start to pick a fight with me? 

Guess nasty people are like that - they frame you, lie about you and then you are ment to feel shame for standing up for yourself and the truth and you are most certainly not allowed to make fun of them. Those videos are private, but anyone having the link might see them. One of these days I make a blog about them and show them to the world. It's cause I so much love how I sound when doing the immitations. They always makes me laugh. I wish I could had made them fun in english too, but my skills in immitating nasty people are somewhat limited to my native language. In this blog however I will only share my gifts from my Queen page - Your Queen Angelica. It's also my wish I had wings site, as I so wish I did and could fly. I do dream I can fly now and then, but not as often as I used to. It's not such a thrill as it used to be and my fellow dream people do not seem as impressed by my skills in it as they used to be. Think I've shown off a little too often. I rarely meet any others who knows how to fly when I dream those dreams. It's like I want to prove I can be free and that nobody can hold me back, when I have such dreams.

When I first did this website it looked somewhat different, but not that much. I intended it to be the first of many fantasy sites and wanted to invite those into such things to all my sites. I put together a group I called Fairyland Poetry and hoped some would join. For awhile I did have some members. I like to call the members fairies, but not that they are gay or anything, as I don't ask about that, but since it's a fun little fantasy figure that belongs - of course - in Fairyland. My oldest daughter was an active little fairy for awhile and she made lovely graphics and poems for the group, but then she quite and I somewhat blame myself for it, as I got so angry on a nasty woman who accused me of cheating after my daughter won a contest in the group. The poll was on Yahoo and I have no idea how to fake it, but she said I had as she was mad as hell she didn't win. She'd made one graphics and then changed colours on it a few times and pretended they were several different graphics. It was all the same. It's dead simple to change all the colours like that. I've done it tons of times myself, but never have I claimed they where different graphics.

My daughter had made loads of wonderful own stuff, she'd made up all by herself. I was very proud of her so of course I voted for her, and so did my oldtime fairy member, who also was a very nice woman from southern Sweden. It was such a horrible thing to see how a grown up american woman could behave in such a veil and sick way to a child and I totally got super angry on her. My daughter is very sensitive and she does not like to be a problem and that is why I regret that I let her know how horrible that woman behaved. Now I am pretty sure she was just another nasty narcissist. They tend to aim for the kind and caring, in some kind of hit and run game, where they try to insult and shame a person as much as possible with as little input they can. It's like it's a game for them. One thing I've noticed with these really nasty ones is that they are not very talented, but likes to cheat to look really good. Some of the best and most talented women I know out there have been lied about by these kind of envious women. I didn't quite having my group though and I don't remember what I did with the nasty fairy, but she was gone and I got a new member. My old time member left, sadly, due to personal reasons unknown to me now, though I think she told me back then, but that is very long ago now.

I was very sad to see her go as she was the very bestest and most talented fairy I'd had. I did get another fairy from the north, but this time from Norway, and I so loved her. But then a friend of hers wanted to join and she seemed very good at graphics and all was well until I sent out warnings about the swine flue vaccine and all hell broke loose. The new fairy got totally mad over the insult of me warning for this. According to her the emergency room was swarming with leathally ill victims and everyone needed to get their shots. I had heard nothing about full emergency rooms and the only sick people I'd met where those who'd taken the vaccine. Her friend, the first norwegian fairy, left in rage over how rude I was who would not ask for forgiveness and make redemptions for sending out such horrible lies. And then her friend, the one who created the drama, stuck around and ruined totally my group. She just stayed there, but didn't contribute and it felt horrible to send in things I found interesting, as she was policing my group and sending negativity. In the end I decided to warn her that she would be deleted if she did not participate and when she didn't reply I remember I did kick her out. What a relief!

That was back in 2009 of course, and then we all know what happened after a few years. Big headlines all over the place - the swine flue vaccine was dangerous. It caused severe cronich illness that made many victims suddenly fall asleep. Their lives where a mess. I am still waiting for my two norwegian fairies to send me an excuse, an apology for shaming me for caring for them and their families. Not a word so far. I think it must be 2 or 3 years since that news brake and yet none of them seem a bit bothered about how they treated me. I guess that's the pathology of this world, that people are unfairly rude to those trying to help them and then cannot own up to the errors of their way when shit hits the fan and they are proven right, those who tried to warn them. It's like the saying goes - don't shoot the messanger. And the messanger is an angel, as that is what an angel is - a messanger of the creator. The creator makes many angels. Every corner is an angel, every turn, every piece of this construct we call reality is actually an angel. And they all have something to tell us, a message. So of course I want to tell my fairies something too, and not just be an empty shell of shallowness, like we are led to believe is the "good" way to be. Having content, thinking for yourself and finding out things are "bad", but that is just the lies of the psychopathic mind that has taken over the control right now. 

Today I haven't had an active member for years in my beautiful Fairyland group. I don't even try to invite any and I don't hope I will ever have any again. Everyone seems to be stuck on FACEBOOK or whatever. I don't know what people do anymore, but my guess it's not graphics and creative work as much as it used to be. Many only use their mobile phones on the net and post little comments and mails. Looking on stuff and more or less being kind of passive about it as they are more and more acting like we do in front of the tele, make comments about the stuff shown, but not putting in any effort to actually go out and create anything themselves. That is why I like YouTube, as it's possible to be a bit creative there, but many just shove their mobile phone in their faces and start talking nonsens. If they are good bullshitters they might get a little crowd that follows them, even if what they say are things I've figured out many years ago. They look like they know something and people will listen to them, but many times their message is the same old we've heard hundreds of times, and loads of propaganda are repeated like truth. Stuff that's been proven wrong for ages. But if you have the right tech it's easy today to become your own little news channel on YouTube.

I have of course lots of channels aswell, but I rarely make any videos. I'm in the process of doing one video for every webpage I have though. So far I'm a little less then half way through. It's the same with my videos as it is with my blogs and my websites and groups, I rarely have anyone coming by. But now and then it happens and I get a friendly comment. That is very special to me, as I know everyone is busy with their own lives and I'm not exactly out there looking at stuff that much myself. Never been. To have a successful group you need to promote the hell out of it. You have to be very charming and make people love you and help you to promote your group for free on their spare time. I have no idea how to make people do such things for me. And I don't even think I want to know. Why should I want others to suck up to me and do everything I tell them to do, like they were my dogs? People should be people and not licking my foot when I kick them in their face. So I would never succeed at that. I guess there are some nice group leaders too, who's kind and loving and hence having a few dear friends in their groups. I've met a few who seemed to be that way, but I ran away as I didn't want to find out I was wrong!

Eventually I think all belonging to some kind of group, with lots of rules and the whims of some neurotic leader will not succeed. It's not even possible to succeed. I'd rather have it like the group is a home and you come and visit there now and then, but the home owner, the leader, treats you like an honorable guest while you are there. You can come and go as you please, but if you are rude and insults the host and their family you might be kicked out never to return. That is how I'd like groups to be like, instead of the dictaroship with bullying leaders and snitching fellow members. There are so much narcissism going on in those groups it's awful. There are double standards, different set of rules, if you are one member or another. If you are a low life foreigner - that is someone who's not born or raised in the US, mind you - you most likely will have no favors. You can kiss ass day long, but you will not come inside for real. It's often a group of old time friends who's the base of the group and they are keeping the door closed for all newcomers. Then one day they start to bicker, like hags do, and the house of cards comes tumbling down. That was atleast how I saw it time and time again back in the days when these groups were quite common.

That was before the depression and everything in the states fell apart, it seems like. It was when they thought they were special and blessed, when they thought they had special favors granted by God. Then they went against the creator and started a killing sprea all over the eastern countries, one after another. It was started by the satanists of the world and arrogant, weak minded people let themselves get lulled into the belief that murder is good, killing and maiming of babies and children are actually needed for the greater good. There are no such thing as the greater good. There is no safety to be gained from raping, murders and ruining the life work by thousands and thousands of good, honest people in the world. That is the deceptions of the deciever, which is the one satanists worship. It was my total let down by groups claiming to be compassionate, angels, caring and good, in these basic morals that made me give up hope on all these phony groups from over the pond. And I couldn't find any groups here either that cared. Everything needs to be so very shallow, so pointless, so dumb, if it's supposed to survive or exist in this world. So I created my own groups for fairies and angels and every fantasy creature out there. A fairyland that actually cares about honor and morals.

Not that I have been promoting anything special in my group, cause what I've done is more sharing of information. Very different information, but still valid and interesting many times. I have shared many books and alot about history. All through modern history, starting back in Sumer, we've had the same shit going on. We've had the wars, the famines, the banksters robbing the people, again and again. That is the reason humans keep forbidding interest, it's cause it devestates whole nations and kills the economy and then of course the people. It stops the manurfacturing and the farming and people have no food to eat and no money. And when everyone starts to die the kings have again and again had to kill all the money lenders and taken back all the wealth from the very few rich that are sitting in their huge palaces with all their gold, while everyone else is dying. How many times did this happen only in the era of Sumer - 2 times? Or was it 3 times? It's like a death cycle and we just go round and round. It's so very true that those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. So one of the most important subjects I like to post about is history. But all the time it's been psychopaths. Cause those wanting to earn interest from others are always of a psychopathic mind. It's a leathal system and it kills everything. That's why.

One problem I've had with my group is of course the very fact that women seem to like to play dumb and refuse to learn anything. And I've only had female members. Guess it feels just not right for a man to be called a fairy. Unless he is of course. When in a group with men I can feel there is alot of showing off who's the smartest and who can think the brightest. Not always, but very often. Those who are too dumb to think, but like to pretend they are smart, will try and belittle those who are great thinkers. It's the same with men as with women in that way. But in groups with women it's much rarer that they try and impress with their insights and thoughts. Actually most women like to act like they are kind of stupid and then there normally is one with a huge ego who likes to order all the hens around. That one is normally one nasty control freak. All the rest of the women seem scared to offend her and suck up to her. It might just be my small experience, but I've seen it a few times. Those ego driven women will not accept the rules of another persons group, just like they will come into your home and act like they own it. I've seen that too, in real life. Very rude.

Another thing that is big in my group is the ancestry. We all have them and it's very fun to find out who they were. I wish all those records, for everyone, was available, but it's almost always ending very early when we go back in our own history. Some years ago my younger sister and her husband created a family tree and I was so very excited. I wanted to help out and was kind of over bearing so I was told she had enough help from others. Guess she ment from people who matter in her life, right? Well, that was what I heard. I was very sad as I had actually thought I'd found something that both of us liked as when I worked for the church it was one of my favorite duties to help out with ancestry research. But when I did try and help her I found out alot about possible ancestors. That is if my sister has been truthful about what she's found out or if she lied about that too, as she lies to everyone about me right now. I've blogged alot about that lie. You know the lie that I was not shown a paper and then she believes that the reason it's missing is cause I've stolen it. Which does not make sense to a thinking human, as if I had stolen it I must have seen it or was I closing my eyes when I stole it? I don't know, but that sounds like pathological reasoning to me, so if she can lie about a stupid thing like that I guess she can lie about anything.

As she claimed an ancestor was a king on Ireland back long time ago, I looked up the anals of the kings there and where the family line of those kings came from. It turned out that way back many hundreds of years ago they came there from another place. According to the anals it was the king of Spains family who came to Ireland and conquered it. The king was dead at that time, but he was also a prince of Scythia, a huge kingdom far away in the east, which thousands years later became the Kazarh kingdom, from where most jews now decend from. No wonder people are compairing ancient Ireland to the origin of that belief system - it's all connected in a very interconnnected web. The queen however they consider to be a daughter to a great faraoh. Many scholars think it might have been the one we call Akenaton, who's wife was Nefertite. Her ancestors in their turn came from Sumer. It was all so thrilling and I found out so much, but my sister was not the slightest interested. She said there were nothing to go on in that research, like what she'd come up with was any more reliable. I doubt it was, so just as it might had been errors in the kings anals of Ireland it might had been an error to start with that we had ancestors who were kings of Tara in Ireland!

According to the research she had accepted, since it had nothing to do with me perhaps, our ancestors were ruling for many hundred years a part of Ireland that was of particular interest to me. They were kings there for 700 years and in their realm lay the place called Tipperary. I could just not believe it as when I was a child I was like totally obsessed with that little song. Like it was connected to me somehow. My oldest daughter always felt very drawn to Ireland and she was so thrilled to hear that our ancestors might had walked that land many hundreds years ago. Then when I saw that they too had ruled further north even longer back, and ruled from Tara, it was awesome as I have that poem on my main site. I felt it was just me when I saw that poem. There is just something there that feels like some kind of vague genetic memory so perhaps she did get it right. But I still think that if she got that right then my research too must be right, as I had with a strong gut feeling of connection, feeling like a family bond, downloaded photos of the mumies of Nefertitis grandparents from Sumer. I thought of them as grandpa and grandma long before I found out the possible genetic bond. Father did also write a book about Sumer, and was very interested in finding out more about that place in the ancient time. 

A topic he was specially interested in was why Sumer disappeared. I tried to discuss it with him but he felt like all I said was stupid and would not hear a word I said. There are a few theories you know. One is that a comet hit that area, as there is a huge crater from that time period, and following that a great plague hit there, which I've heard is very common after a hit. Something seem to tag along with those heavenly bodies and when they make landfall they infect the land with some new diseace. The plague that killed almost everone in the latter days of Sumer is said to be the same plague that later on hit Europe and killed half of the population, if not more. The black plague. There were another plague in between that hit the Roman Empire really hard, but I don't know if that was of the same strand as these other two. But what happened was that people of Sumer considered it to be the royal families fault that the plague came. That they were not graced by the gods anymore, so they had to leave and taking everyone belonging to them with them. Those left behind was hence not of the same family or group of people as the ruling elite and Sumer was no more. That is one story I've connected myself from things I've heard, but I could not even come to the comet part. You need to learn to listen if you want to hear.

Other topics in my group are of course fairytales and poetry and like I mentioned before graphics. I have many poems on my different sites and on this one particularly. At the start I focused more on these things then I do today, as I kind of find poetry boring nowdays. A poem must be something that comes from the depth or your soul to express itself and many poems are just pretty and will not speak to any deep part at all of me. Just like my fathers disbelief in my intellectual capabilitites I've come to see that none in my family believes I have any ability to write anything either. When I say none, remember, I'm talking about most of them, though I do know there are a few special ones who are not as easily fooled as most of them was. Once, a long time ago, when I was mearly 20 years old I spoke to my father and he actually managed to listen for once. He was stunned and said with shock in his voice "well, you are actually intelligent". I have never forgotten that as my question always been "who said I wasn't?" as someone must have made him believe I was not. That person I think very well is the one in our family who thought himself being a genius. He used to mock his older brother and me and pretending to our parents we were so very dumb.

What he did, and which I now so clearly has re-remembered, is that he put words in our mouths we had not said. He would argue us on points we had not made and by that making us look foolish, as the parent would assume we had said those ridicilous things he said we had. That is how I think my father was led to believe that I was stupid and therefore would not listen to me. When he got older this selfproclaimed genius kept close contact with father so no wonder he eventually forgot his discovery long time ago - that I was in fact intelligent. He also got stupid ideas that I was not of any interest and would question me why someone else would want to meet me or see me. Like it was totally unimaginable to think that some human being would find me the slightest interesting. The way he said it back in 2003 made me understand where I had gotten that notion from in my 20's - that I was of no interest and that I needed to take the interesting brother with me to go and visit a distant male relative of ours. Wow, how disappointed he was when I came with my boring brother. He only wanted to see me, alone. Now I see how stupid I was in one matter - my own self worth. I was a young and beautiful girl, of course an older gentleman would like to see me, rather then my selfcentered brother.

I was still a pretty fair looking lassie back in 2003 too, so why would an elderly sweet man not want to see me? I was in a shock for quite some time after my father had asked me that question in truthful disbelief over the fact that I had been asked to visit this gentleman for so many decades and then finally dared to. I am so happy I did atlast, as soon after he left this earth. Before he was all gone I met him in my half sleep, where he told me the story of this beautiful young man named Daniel and how his life was. As I watched this presentation and admired how handsome and sweet the boy looked I woke up in amazement realizing it was my friend Daniel who had come to see me and let me see how young and beautiful he really was. The old mans body was just at the end, but he was also young. Daniel had said that I was his twin soul and that he'd only felt like that with one other person and that person was someone who'd made my childhood bareable. She had made Daniels childhood bareable too. We were interconnected. This lady was my grandfathers sister and she was the bestest of friends to my grandmother. 

I wish I'd not been raised with such fear of hurt and pain, that makes me shun love in any form it comes. I wish I had been a better friend to Daniel and to all others who actually cared for me and loved me. Whenever someone did I would not believe them, cause I am not worthy to be loved. Who had tricked my father into thinking that about me? Cause I remember him loving me once, feeling I was his special little girl. So who was so foul and envious they had to make him look down upon me and recent me? I think it was the same person who tricked him into beating me up ever so often when I was a small child. That was when my belief I could ever possibly be worthy of love slowly was beaten out of me. Slap by slap. He hit me as hard as he dared to until mother would tell him it was enough. While they were doing that I used to stand far away and watch. I didn't like to stay in that childs body and feel those slaps, so I would stand a little distance. It was not really me then and I could comfort myself so much better, as that was not really me.

Another thing that Daniel told me was that if he could he would adopt me, but then I was already over 40. Thinking back on my upbringing and everything I think I would had loved to live with him and his sweet wife and their five children. I would had been their baby sister and they'd all love me so very much and I would had known that I was worthy of love and not been raised to fear it as it hurts so bad. I don't have any problems with loving, I only have serious problems with believing anyone else could possibly love me. And as you saw, my dad had the same issues with me - that I was unloveable. You can see all those memories on my page if you search for them, just like I said above. There are some secret little corners with treasures on that site. The gifts I have shown here are all from that site and made by me. Some are made from tutorials, actually most are. The first one I made the frame for myself and then there is a couple that are mixed with graphics I made with a tutorial and my own creations. The defiance one is like that and it should really be a tagg and not framed like I've made it. The frame is from another graphic I've done too, so not original to the defiant girl.

There is also one other theme on that page which is extremly dark and that is to do with death. As angels also are associated with and they are said to come and get us when we die. If you ask me they are working for the matrix, the program we live in, and when we die they take us to a place where our souls are re-cycled and when good for go we get another body. It's just that it's not home, but it's a nice enough place for those who like to live again. As I said, you will be born again from that place. The reason for that darkness is cause the flying is what the soul does when it leaves, that is when we finally get to fly. There is this death wish I'd carried ever since my early teens as things got too hard, too cold and too little love. I wanted to go back home to source, from hence I came. I didn't want a new body, no new life, I wanted out of this hell hole. The name Angelica was also the name I had choosen for my last child, if a girl, but I had a spontaneous abortion and lost the baby. It was due to severe anemia it turned out six years later when I almost got to die and go home. But I survived and I got well, but does those who did not care when I was a child care I was still alive? Of course not. But I do.  

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry

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