This is another blog by Linda: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/dont-blame-yourself-for-your-narcissistic-parents-6/
My comment: I thought this was a very good, though short, blog post by Linda. It's like this - narcissists use others as either garbage bins into whom they toss all their own filth. Or they use others as extensions of themselves, so they lavish them with special gifts and projected abilities. Sometimes they change who they belittle and who they uplift, but mostly they will keep their old times garbage bins and extensions. Most common is that a woman chooses a daughter, who looks or behaves like themselves in some way, as their extension, and a man chooses a son in a similar manner. This might be the reason some narcissists actually get alot of children, while they don't like to take care of them? My mother didn't get it right until her forth child, whom she proclaimed was a "special child" and "nothing like" I was, who was "filthy". Here is the blog post - I have more comments under the post:
Don’t Blame Yourself for Your Narcissistic Parents
Some victims of narcissistic parents -- mother or father or both, blame themselves for not being perfect. They live the guilt of not meeting their parents' expectations. These demands on the part of narcissistic parents are delusional. Even if you had reached perfection by their standards it would never have satisfied them. As the child of a narcissistic mother or father you remember that making your greatest efforts to satisfy their expectations of your perfection was never enough. You were criticized, demeaned and humiliated. Even when you had straight A's in school they chided you for not participating in enough extracurricular activities or being a loner. You were not social and popular -- another failure from their deluded perspective. The invented ways of pulling you down when you needed acceptance and support. This was the result of your parent(s) psychopathology as a narcissist personality. It had and does not represent your true nature.
|Even if that person claims you have to as you're their child.|
You have a unique individual life that belongs to you -- many talents and gifts that you can use to enrich your life. You have opportunities for loving relationships with those who will care deeply about you and love you for yourself. Think about this; you can be free. You are not defined by your family of origin but by your unique true self. Learn to appreciate your true nature and to calm the young child's heart inside by doing a practice of some form of quieting the mind through guided meditation, simple yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose to activate the calming part of the nervous system. Get your creativity going with music that you love, art in any form, dance, singing, spontaneous writing, finding ways to be with Nature in so small way each day.
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD
My comments: Remember that most narcissists don't go around and insult everyone as that would be quite stupid to do. If you openly insult everyone you might end up alone pretty fast, so most narcissists are wise enough to choose someone to insult and belittle and make others join them in this crime. Hence they are the typical bully and it does not matter if this bully is a class mate or a mother, it's the same kind of trick. Actually, this is much worse when done by a parent then a class mate. A parent you have from birth and a long time. In most cases until you are middle aged yourself and a parent to teenagers. Class mates come and go. Still, it's widely accepted that there are bullies in schools and even bullies on work places, but it's not accepted that there are mothers who bully their children into suicide, depression and a ruined life of all sorts. Remember that you form a child's brain the first years of the child's life, so when you give no love you will make that child into a person who don't believe them to be loveable. If you abuse the child, verbally, mentally or even in other ways, you will teach them they deserve this treatment.
|Sometimes they are too obvious those narcissists.|
This illusion, this brainwashing, that this mind control creates will make the "choosen ones" to project all these fantasies to the outside world, so despite this only being the delusions of their narcissistic parent/s these children will grew up making all sorts of people admire them, like they were these royalties. So when you, as a target of this parents neglect and meaness, later in life come to a point that you want to be fairly treated - when you have taught yourself that you are a beautiful being, a fantastic human, and so much better and hardworking then your lazy, drinking, whoring choosen sibling/s - this is when you will try to stand up for yourself and your children, the time when you might have to bring in outside legal assistance as these now full blown narcissistic siblings have decided that they had special rights to your parents money, estate or whatever. So you bring in legal help and that's when you find out that your choosen siblings don't have to follow the law. Only you are! Actually, you find out that you have no rights, as the lawyer is totally smithen with your lying sister/brother.
|There is too little love to go around in such a family.|
So, remember that about the wheel chair. It was one of the last things my father said to me in his life, that he was atleast not sitting in a wheel chair, like a really sick old man. That was only hours before he died, and he mocked a man in a wheel chair and took pride that he atleast could still stand on his feet. What ailed the other man I have no knowledge of, but I'm pretty sure he outlived my father with more then days. But the main point here is the wheel chair, as shortly after he died the narcissist brother bragged that he had met our father in a dream and that father was sitting in a - yes, that's right - a wheel chair! And our brother bragged that father had hugged him. If that man our brother met in his dream was sitting in a wheel chair I can ensure you - he DID NOT meet our father. Whomever he met it was not our father he met, but his own wish his father would had been. Weak, handicapped and loving his son most of all children. When truth is none of that, if I should be honest. Yes, father was enchanted by our brother from the very earliest times. But who fooled dad to love this boy so much? If you ask me someone did.
|The sooner you drop these life sucker the better for you.|
Atlast I've totally realized that it's not only mother being this way, and that it's not crazy, as crazy people don't know what they are doing, but narcissists know very well what they do. They just don't want to take the responsibility for what they do, so they deliberatly frame others. And they do it so well cause they at the same time put alot of energy into charming other people into adoring them, so whenever people have to decide who to punish, they rather choose the innocent non-narcissist whom they don't care about, then the very guilty narcissist, whom they are totally adoring. This is what our father was guilty of - totally adoring narcissists. He didn't only adore our narcissistic sibling, and very early on our mother, but later in life he adored several other narcissists so much he hurt his own children and grandchildren - alot. Not just a little, but alot. One time in 1998 we hadn't seen him for a year and I was so sad and cried when up in the mountains in the north with my husband's family. I begged that we would go and see father, despite us not having any money. I wanted father to see my three adorable children, then 1, 3 and 7 years old.
|Honesty is the worst thing ever to a narcissist.|
That is one event that was very eye opening to me, as I like to picture my father as a good guy, but he was not a good person as no good person would speak that way to his grandchildren. He was abusing them, and he was abusing me. And I still believe that he did that cause he was brainwashed into believing that I was unworthy, so my children were unworthy, and the only person ever telling me how unworthy I am is my mother. She has also said two other things. She's said that also father and the oldest brother are unworthy, and she's said that me and the oldest brother are like our father. So there you have it. Father was brainwashed that the children like himself were lesser then those like his wife, though she never told him that she thought us were like him. No, to him she let him believe her favorite son was like him, as father often spoke about that. He'd not like it atall if he'd been likened to his oldest son and even on his death bed he ignored photos of this son. At every photo of his second son he'd stop and remark who that was. When I pointed at his first born he just moved on, like it did not matter. This same patterns repeated with us girls.
|Narcissists control the crowd so it's better to be alone.|
So, back to the wheel chair dream there is an important point in that dream as this brother claims not only that he was the most loved child, but that he also was the one loving his father the most. If that is true one can wonder why he dreamt that father was in a wheel chair. In my opinion it shows that he wanted father to be weak and in need, more then strong and healthy. Whenever I've dreamt of father, in my whole life, he's been working on his farm, building on houses and he's never been weak and in wheel chairs. At the end I dreamt that he was weak in his mind, and would not come to my support when I was tossed out of the farm by strangers. I yelled at dad to tell them that I was his daughter, and he wouldn't. I then stood infront of my father and told him everything that he'd done in my life that had hurt my feelings deeply. It was a long list and it felt very good to have told him. Shortly after that dream I told mother about one thing I'd mentioned to father. The thing was that I was very hurt he never got in touch when I was in hospital and had blood transfusion as I was in such a poor condition. That hurt alot, although I thought he might be too demented to understand.
|Narcissists don't want people to like you.|
|When you are honest you will become lonely.|
To a narcissist a funeral is a perfect event for them to show off themselves and shine. If it's a close person that has died it's the best, as they don't want to waste time on others. They want to be in the center, so remember that narcissists often skip the funerals where others are the most in mourning. The closer the person dying is to them, the better. A child is the ultimate price for a narcissist, so it's pretty scary when a young person has died, and you do wonder if they had a narcissistic parent who made their life a living hell, behind the scene. I know young people who killed themselves, so it's a question that have haunted me since I found out about the reality of narcissism. I knew how I felt growing up, but I thought I was all alone in this world feeling this way, but then I hear so many live this way behind close doors. So many are tormented, not loved, by their own parents, their own mothers, siblings, relatives. No love is not a rare thing, but a common thing. So many are not loved in this world and only a narcissist, choosen since birth to be special, would claim there is enough love in this world. What a sick joke when you've seen yourself there are only love enough for a few.
|Narcissists are the poorest of all people.|
So this narcissistic brother from then on has imagined that it's his youngest sister that is the good one, without a shred of evidence of this. No amount of testimonies, witnesses, paper proof will change his mind on this. This I'm painfully aware of as he's now been plowing throw his family of birth and ruined both relationships with the two siblings he grew up with. Remember that our sister was raised by me, not by our brothers. She was just a little girl when the brothers moved out of the home, while I stayed many years, until she was a teenager. And still I was shocked to hear from dad what a bitch she evolved into, but he knew and that was why he was not enchanted by her the same way he used to be, when she had her original name and was just a little girl. She did try and change her name to his beloved mothers name, and that helped alot for many years. Father loved that one of his daughters was now called by his mothers name and alot of her qualities where now ascribed to my sister. Well, she'd been glorified long before that, but then her terrible teens happened, so she needed a good PR-boost. All the while I kept away alot as I really didn't like too much to be around my family. There was always something that upset me, and all those years I thought it was my fault I felt this way.
|The sooner the better as they suck the life out of you.|
The funny thing is that if I'd stood up for myself and said something, they'd instead hold that against me, as there is a typical pattern of no-win-situations when you deal with narcissists. Another thing is that all the while this brother scolded his baby sister for neglecting her mother, he himself used to promise our father a visit, and then only be there for a few days and the rest of the stay not be there. How can it be a three week visit, when you are out traveling for most of the time? This was modus operandi with this brother, but to the lawyer he'd claimed he was there all the time - alot. He's said that he used to live on father's farm, that he used to take care of the farm together with his dad, and so on. All lies. He's said that he, himself, built a little house to live in on the farm. Still, the aunt living on the farm, next door, claims father built that house. Even the rent agreement states that father built the house and our brother only fixed the interior. Our brother officially was having father's farm as his address, AFTER he moved to the States. He wasn't actually living on the farm, as he was in the US. And the helping with the farm was nothing else then little things they did when on vacation once every second years. Remember that his older brother lived here in our country all the time, with his children, and they visited every year the farm and helped out.
|They enchant and use black magic I'm sure.|
And she had to have it her ways, as she'd been lying so long about her getting that freaking house for nothing, back in the early 90's, and if she'd shown everyone the truth - like she'd shown me - everyone would know she'd lied all this time. Not that mother and the rest of the narcissists would care, but some HONEST people might have cared. So the lawyer was trying to help her out by making me obey this agreement, without her having to show it to me, as the lawyer now claimed it was still binding - despite it not being a will, and not being found. He even went so far as telling me that the agreement I had seen was NOT legal, but an ORAL version of it was. How utterly ridiculous! And he stated that our sister wish to have a house was enough reason for her to have it, and we could not oppose his decision, while our oldest brother was not even allowed to mention the work he'd done on the farm, without solid proof. So our narcissistic siblings could make up fancy fairytales how loved they were by our father, the only children of his, and how much more they deserved this and that, while us two actually resembling him morally and physically somewhat, who'd actually worked hard in our lives and helped out father alot, we had no rights at all.
|Eat the lying lawyer's face is my dream come true.|
Remember that father let both of these narcissists use houses, like their own almost, for years. The brother's little house was more a storage then a house and it was nobody else but him who used it for those 11 years it was there, until father died. The lawyer claimed these agreements they said they had with dad when he was alive, which they both lied about the content of by the way, still were binding after fathers death. So by that saying that our brother and sister both owed the value of this "gift" when father was alive and also the now 2½ years he's been dead. All together that ends up with alot of money they've recieved, none of us others never seen any of. Money is not always coins or digits on a computer, sometimes it's values. So if I cut their "rent" to half what others have to pay here, I came up with our sister getting more then 600 K, due to this cottage she claims she's had soley right to. And that only up till 2012. The number is only a bit over 200 K for the brother, though he seems to have gotten more actually money from dad. Compare this to the oldest brother "gifts", they both so much envy him for, he still falls short with like 200 K less then his brother, as to be truthful they'd recieved equally gifts by dad, only the narcissists hid all his as good as he could and the lawyer helped him.
|That is why the narcissists fuck so much with your mind.|
So that was how she "helped" me back then, and now she lies to the lawyer and says that I got far more in gifts then her precious daughter. That everyone else got a car from our father, but her. The truth is that it was the oldest son that never got a car, and that father had already helped his narcissists to get the cars of their own choices, before I got mine. So on the advice of my narcissistic brother he decided to give me the car my brother thought I should have. Not the car we needed, or wanted, but the car they decided. I was told by father that either I took that car or I'd not get anything. Not much of a choice when we really needed a new car as I was pregnant with our fourth child and we only had a little Manhattan, that was still running. The car this brother had been given was then sold back to father at a very high amount, then father gave the car to the oldest son, and now the narcissists wanted him to pay the same ridiculous amount father paid for the car. That's how they do things. The car I got had a manufacturing fault, which showed very early, so I didn't use it that much as it was impossible to steer with my arms. I got really bad pains in my body in 2003, after I'd helped my sister move, which only got better recently, but it's always there still. So after father died I finally could fix the problem with the car. That's the car I'm supposed to be so envied of, a car they all know I was forced to take and which was not working properly.
|Never forget that you are innocent if they did it all.|
Either way, forgetting about how she was there taking papers, like the agreement on the house she wants, she's gotten far more then me if we add all together. With the rent she's gotten like 1 million atleast and I've atmost gotten 300 K. The spoiled brother has gotten more then 700 K, if we give him a really low rent on the building he has his stuff in and let him pay some of the power he's used for the 11 years up till father died. We don't even take in the rent they owe to us and the estate after he died. The oldest brother has gotten something between 500-600 K. Also remember, that the narcissists only have ONE CHILD each. This is important as according to the law you have a right to give gifts to both your children and grandchildren. Still, nothing of that has been left out of any equations. So nobody cared if there were four children given gifts, like I have, or three, like the oldest brother has, or only one. And that is not fair, as you have a right to give 10 K to EACH child and to EACH grandchild every year. That is a right to give 50 K to me and my children every year, that should not be counted, and 40 K every year to the oldest brother's family, and only 20 K each to the other two. If one should respect the law, which of course nobody does for real.
|This is why they pretend to not understand you.|
Well, I could go on journeys now, but back before dad died I never could afford it. None of my children was ever on any vacations. We were constantly broke and like I mentioned mother had part in that. She divorced dad when I started getting a family, buying a home and such. In short, she made sure he was not able to help me out for years. Also, she bullied him to help her favorites as much as she could. I've heard her pleades to him plenty of times. Still, she surprised me when she told me to ask father for money back in 2011, and back then she told me she knew I was the one that had gotten far less then my brothers and sister. So now she writes to the lawyer I'm the one getting the most. What a bitch. That was after she promised me that she'd never meddled with the inherence, inspite her meddling back in 2013. These people make up so much shit that it's hard to follow, unless you have your head on red alert and pay total attention to what crap they do and say. So, mother has been part of this scam from the beginning, and there are so much proof of that now. All the way back to the early 90's, when she made sure noone could help me out, and tried her damndest to make me not get any children. That's what she was aiming at, I understand now. That's why she never told anyone every time I was with child.
|Don't let others ruin your dream so follow your feelings.|
I'd had my doubts already in fall 2011, when she never called me on the hospital, like mother said she'd promised she would. I don't know why. Either mother lied to both of us, or my sister lied to mother. She didn't call and that's what stuck. Father didn't call either. He never did. Not after I've gone home and not all winter or spring. He didn't call on my 50th birthday even, and he didn't send me a card. I think he was too far gone by then, but I seriously think he'd still understood what was up in 2011. He'd kept the invitation card to my grandson's babtism, and it was still there in full sight just a month before he died. But after he had died, someone had taken the card and hid it deep in a drawer of different random papers. My bet is that it was either mother or my sister as they were there. Nobody else would do it, or have a chance to. In hindsight I believe my sister detested all my children and she only pretended to care by congratulating me. That is very sad to believe, but she's made me believe that with how she's behaved these two last years. The second thing that made me doubt her very seriously was the lie she pulled on her husband in summer 2012, about not knowing I'd been ill. When she told that lie none of us knew if I'd recovered. It turned out I had!
|Leave the users behind and never look back.|
What you need to do - if it's possible - is to take help from a sibling. One of you apply for a lawyer, and the other one immediatly suggests a lawyer to the court, whom you've already spoken to and who's willing to take on the case as soon as possible. Like I've said, I will speak more about this later on, as this is the laws of this land, so I will write this in the right language. But this is how canniving one has to be, when dealing with these narcisssists. I don't really know why my sister showed me the agreement, but she'd been talking about someone fighting her due to this house, after father died, ever since the beginning of the 90's. It's something she seems to have been obsessed with and since I'd told her I wouldn't I think she had to make sure I knew she'd been lying to me about the house being a gift. Mother has been obsessing over this house too, ever since then, but it seems like she's missed out on the fact that father wrote that agreement in 1996, as she just kept nagging on about this. I think my sister stopped saying she had no written agreement about that time, but she did say it during a few years. Most likely between the years 1992 to 1996!
|This is why narcissistic mother always try to screw you.|
This is yet another very possible reason for all of this, as mother has always promised that I was not to inherent anything from her, and she said the same thing to her other scapegoat on the funeral of father. So perhaps this is her way of legitimize all of this and being able to get away with getting only her spoiled brats anything? Mother has even phoned my oldest daughter ones proclaiming she'd inherent soon. Weird as I would inherent my mother. My daughter would only inherent when both her parents die, so did mother tell her grandchild that she'd soon be an orphan? Or did she mean she's working on a method to get two of her children out from her "will"? If she sells her house and gives all money away and she leaves no trails of this I guess she could get away with it. I think that is the reason mother is so keen on selling her house, and the reason my sister played this trick on me as she knows me better then anyone else in our family. My sister and my mother both knew that I would never agree to any oral made-up agreements after I'd seen my sister's written one. We also have serious suspicions they too calculated that we'd ask the court for a lawyer, so sister was directly there and suggested hers. So please be aware of how sneaky and devious these narcissists are. In most cases they end up with 2-3 times more then their other brothers and sisters. Sometimes all of it.
Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry