Your Elfen Fantasy

In my last blog about my websites I talked about my personal site, Queen Angelica. I go under the nick Angelica, as it's the name I intended for my fifth child that was never to be. I also spoke alot about my fairytale group Fairyland Poetry, which just like this page here is alot about elves and fantasy. This page was made for my children and all children, living and remembered. These gifts are from that site, which I call Your Elfen Fantasy. At the beginning this site was dedicated to my oldest daughter, who was a wonderful and creative fairy member of my group Fairyland Poetry, and went under the nick Elfen Yavanna. So it was made for Elfen Yavanna, but then I included a webring named Beloved Children to the site and added all the other three children, so it was renamed. I don't really remember all the ins and outs of this, but I think that was pretty much how it happened. Luckily I will not be put on trial for this one, so I don't have to swear it was so. I have had way too many sites and changed them way too many times to remember it anymore. Besides, I forgot everything about my previous life back in November 2011. Truly I forgot it all for awhile, but then some of my memories came back. First who I was and my closest family, and then more and more memories. But things that mattered alot before, like my websites, are not very clear. 

I don't know how it works, but to me it was like someone pushed the reset button on me and afterwards I was uploaded again with my memories, but not distorted and manipulated, like before, but clean and honest, as things really happened. It's like a mist or a fog had been lifted and the closest thing I can compare it to, is a computer that has been infected by a virus and you clean it all out before you re-upload a copy of the memory that is without the virus. I've always been obsessed with matters not important, as if focusing on minor little things, like details on my website, obscured matters of greater concern for my psyche, but which was too painful to go into. I don't really know why, but somehow things that used to be painful isn't anymore. Things that used to be tremendously hurtful and horrible to even look at I seem to be able to analyze and contemplate without that much effort after this occured. It was like I saw every action by others in my life for the first time. I remember very strongly how it literary felt like I saw people for the first time and realized things I'd never actually understood before. 

Some old relatives and their families I saw in a totally new, brighter light then before, while others I was abhorred how horrible and fake they behaved. Had I not seen this before or was I only in deep denial, one might ask. I don't know, but it felt refreshing to be able to react strongly against things that were clearly not healthy. You need to see others to react properly towards them. Before you do you might just accept and introject any shit they throw at you. One thing I did realize very soon was that if I kept socializing with the destructive people I would soon be infected by that virus again, and then very soon go back to accepting their shit again. It's easy to forget to get along and when you are with disordered people they will always pretend that anything nasty and foul they've done to you didn't happen. For instance, they might act really sweet and loving just hours after framing you in public once again for a crime they themselves have done, after you've confronted them with doing that before. When they seem so totally over this little argument of yours you feel accepted by them, like they've forgiven you for getting upset, and not long after they have caught you in their web again. I mean, if it's them being caught lying and you being upset with them, why should you be thankful they have forgiven you? That is the virus starting it's magic.

This mind virus also works in other weird ways, that are definitly not healthy. One way is that you start to feel grateful for being able to help out alot for nothing, while the other one demands admiration and payment for anything they do. That is typical on work places, but also in private relationships when people are under a spell, which is what I call being infected by this mind virus. Another way is that you start to believe that the others have entitlements, rights, that you could not even begin to dream of having. You wont question things like them getting really expensive gifts or loads of help or anything you could never ever have. This is the same virus now infecting the planet almost on a global scale, though many on the deprived side of this coin do see it and are not infected. Most, if not everyone, on the recieving end are however severely infected. I am talking about the rich getting filthy richer, and more and more people struggling every day to pay their bills and have a decent life, while nobody should have to live that way. It's all a construct to make the haves feel superior and the haves not feel crappy. I don't even think they do this to others cause they want all they take, but cause they enjoy the pain and suffering they cause by taking it and making sure those being stolen from know they are helpless against their thievery.

That is what I truly believe is the cause of all unfairness and all the horrors and cruelty, specially towards children, in this world. A wish from the evil minds to feel superior and then needing others to suffer, as they then can compare themselves to those and feel great about not being in those poor sodders shoes. If everyone was happy and had a decent life they could not do that, as they'd be just like everybody else, and I truly believe evil minds find enjoyment in harming others, seeing them suffer, but being good at making it out as that is not the case. That is the people who hurt children either physically or mentally, while pretending it's somehow for the greater good. One needs to really look at an issue with clear sighted eyes to see when we're being bamboozled into mistreating others or letting others mistreat us. The virus renders us unable to see what is going on and that someone is pissing on our face and enjoys it. With the virus gone we can start to protect ourselves from those who mean us not well, and then we can finally take back our world from the crazy psychopaths that are hurting so many beautiful people right now. They bomb and kill innocent children and others daily, cause they have infected too many with their virus.

To me it's been a huge eye opener when I started to talk about the abuse going on when I grew up. In my mind I thought everyone experienced stuff like that in their families in my days, and that it was nothing. But then I found out that most people, if not everyone I know in real life, had not. I remember that I had asked my parents many years ago about their childhoods, without bringing up what they did to two of their own children when we were small. So they answered both of them without even thinking about us, their now adult children, but only thinking about themselves. My father answered very proudly that of course his dear parents didn't beat him as a child. They didn't beat any of their children, as they didn't believe in that kind of punishment. So why did my father then? I think he'd forgotten by then what he used to do to us, as it was his wife who made him do it. I think he was weak minded and just obeyed orders from her, without considering what harm he was causing when acting out on her orders. When I had asked mother she seemed also proud, but more like she was not punished as she was a good child, and that was why. So, she had not been beaten either. That is the main issue here, that she had not. 

I was told by her that her older sister was abused and also the third child, the oldest son. So in mothers family the oldest daughter and the oldest son were physically punished. And that happened to also be the first and the third child. Which children did mother order father to beat? She ordered him to beat the first child and the third, the oldest son and the oldest daughter. That is so weird. The second child in her family was herself, and she thought herself as being so good so she was not beaten. Who was never beaten or ever punished for anything in my family of birth do you think? The second child. Is all of this coincidences or is this the repetetion of malignant behavior from the family of origin by a disordered person? I believe so. It's just too spooky to only be a fluke. She was not beaten for a reason - she was good. She deserved better treatment, so then the second of her own children also must be good and deserving more. Kind of mentally ill logic, I guess. The same kind of insanity the filthy rich suffers from. That is those creating war and havoc on earth, just to earn more money and feel good about themselves, while knowing they have ruined the lives of thousands upon thousands.

They can do this as they truly believe that these people they harm are not really human, as that is how sick these people are in their minds. They feel entitled, special and so very good. The ones that are murdered in their wars and crimes are low lives anyways, and they are dirty and filthy. I don't really know what sick things they actually believe, as I've only picked up a few things from this kind of personality disorder, where they talk about how some people deserve less, as they are stupid and made to serve and have nothing of worth to attribute to the world. The things they say can be so foul and horrendous, as they just can't know this about unknown people. It's just an assumption they've made about others, watching a few others from far away. And one person saying things like this is the second child my mother selected to be good and worthy. The reason people like this needs to put down others is to make it alright that they are steeling from others and using others. By saying that some people don't deserve better treatment, and don't even want anything better, they can live with themselves, feeling good and honorable, while being nothing but selfish thieves to the core of their black, cold hearts.

There are many theories that the psychopathy turns up more in certain families. Also, there are proof that all psychopathy is not the same, that there are different kinds either making the cold hearted monster violent and raging quite openly, or very calculating and observing, which is very overt and hidden to others. The end result will however be the same - pain and suffering for the innocent. The violent psychopaths seem to have some kind of warrior gene, of the violent kind, that makes them able to harm others physically without feeling any remorse. If totally out of control they'll be very devestating and create terrible situations, of course. Such people are often found in jail for doing violent crimes, but in old days they might have had a function, as long as they didn't get out of line. My thought is that someone actually wanted this kind of mindset for some reason, and made it happen. I mean, actually put that violent mind into some humans and created violent, warring blood lines. Also a psychopath can be acting in both these ways during different situations, so a psychopath who can control him- or herself, but also be a coldhearted killer, might be the most useful combination. Castaneda claims the predator put his own mind into us, and perhaps this is it.

The predator might be another race, since there once walked giants on earth and there are plenty of proof of that. Also there are all these cone heads, that are definititly not cradle shaped human skulls, but much much larger and have abnormal bond structures and odd holes in them, that human skulls do not. So maybe these cone heads were of the giant race, or some other race. I call the cone heads the elves, like the ones you see in the Saga of the ring series. Those elves had pointy ears, longer faces then us and also a bigger brain. They were much more intelligent then homos sapiens and had abilities we have yet not, or we've lost them long ago for some reason. One reason might be cause these beings came here and remade us into their image. So we now look like them. How did we look before, who knows, but now we look like these elves, with faces like them. I don't know if the elves, or cone heads, had anything to do with these predators that are talked about, that ruled this earth in earlier years, but my guess is that they are the same. They were very cruel and were said to feast on human flesh. Another idea I have is that they were the flesh angels, which is another expression for them, and not to be confused with the spirit angels.

Remember all the tales of the vampirers? Consider that these strange beings ate humans, looked like us, kind of, that fits in with the vampire tales. Some of the more ancient, original vampires are often shown much different from humans, so perhaps they too changed looks. Perhaps it's not so much we who've changed our apperance, as them changing theirs to look like us? And that would explain why you don't see any pointed ears and cone heads anymore. They've changed all their looks so close to ours we can see them anymore. According to the bible they did take women, meaning raping them, and making babies with them to create a mixed race called Nephelim. The children of these "fallen angels", aka flesh angels, then became the kings and rulers of this earth. Anyone able to trace their roots back thousands of years can only do that if their ancestors were of the Royal bloodline, hence loads of Nephelim blood. So is it surpricing if there are way too many psychopaths in families like that? No, that fits the profile, and it should also be the very calculating kind, not the raging lunatic kind. Well, a few of them are bound to be that way, but the majority of them will be highly intelligent and devious. 

To me it's natural that the more evolved and intelligent a being is, the more peaceful and in harmony with others they are. But unfortunately there is a very long distance from where humankind is today, till that is even close to happening. Most intelligent people are only intelligent in some areas, and not in all. You need to be highly intelligent in your emotions, you heart, to be evolved beyond the pettiness and selfishness many intelligent psychopaths have only reached. They might think themselves evolved and beyond others, that are living more simple lives in union with their families and friends, but it's just not true. It's actually often the opposite. The less in union you are with others, the less you try to understand and show consideration to those you have in your life, that more you use them and abuse them for your own selfish needs, the less evolved you are. Many compare these people to intelligent 2-year olds, that is what they are acting like in many cases emotionally. As long as they get what they want, now, all is fine, but hell brakes loose with huge tantrums when opposed. So of course, when many of these types are born into rich families, they will be able to get alot what they want. They will easily end up in positions of power too.

I'm not saying that all the elves, or the Nephelim, or whatever name we might call them where evil. Some might not had been. There are tales from Sumer about how one of the gods, which must had been like the father race of the Nephelim, tried to save the humans from extinction, when others wanted rid of all. Some seemed to be great thinkers and having high morals, just like us humans are different from each other, so surely were they. Once I wrote a fairytale about the elves, and in that tale the most evil ones were the oldest kind, the least advanced, and they were vampires and warring murderers. They'd lived for millions of years and plagued our world from time and time again, coming and going during different eras. I made another kind of elves that was the maker of nature and wildlife, who tampered with our genes, mixed their DNA with our ancestors and created modern day humans. They created all sorts of creatures, half humans, shapeshifters like wolfmen and much more. These were the elves of the hunt, but they were also magnificent organizers and created huge armies, and they often fought the ruthless vampires and evil magiciance of the old in devestating wars, as the first ones hated all the second ones had created. It was the second comming elves that loved the humans enough to want to keep them, the first ones only wanted to feed on them and slowly extinguish all.

Just like the first ones came and left time and time again, did the second ones, only they came and left with shorter intervalls. That's why they considered this planet more theirs then the first elves, as they were here more and had created more. The first ones only took and fed, never contributed to anything but themselves. The second ones were far more evolved, of a higher emotional intelligence, and showed every so much more neutrality between good deeds and evil deeds, then the first ones, who thrived on others pain and misery. The first ones were the psychopaths, the deprevated demons and the most ruthless of predators. The second kind had traits of psychopathy, but they could also show valor and mercy. They came with set of rules of how to conduct themselves, and were the creator of law and order. Whenever they ruled the earth there would be both great wars and conflict, but also some kind of order and ability for the population to seek redemption when unjustly treated. All in all their way of behaving is what we see in the planet today, like if they are ruling this very time. At the same time we see great evil, as if the first kind is here also, lurking in the dark, trying to create even more war and conflict, as the second kind will not war just for the fun of warring, but for a profit or an rational reason, not just insanity, like the first kind. 

My thought was that they all came to be from the same source, eons ago, but then evolved in different directions. After they split up in two directions the first ones got worse, while the second group changed to the better. They evolved. They got more scientific, more intelligent, and more caring. I also made up a third group of elves, that had split off much later from the second group. They were the creators of all the gardens, with wonderful fruits and seeds. They ruled the earth from when the agricultare era begun and taught mankind to grow the fields and plant their gardens, so hunting and looking for food would be less needed. While the second kind put the wildlife in pens, and created horses to use as riding animals, the third kind designed perfect farm animals, and all these wonderful vegetables we enjoy. They were more vegetarians then flesh eaters and they loved their humans very much, and let them work on their farms and treated them very well. They also came and went from this planet, but with very short intervalls, that made them stay here much more then even the second kind. They were the ones creating all the kingdoms and countries you have heard of, starting with Sumer long ago. Being of a more peaceful nature the wars of history all were the products of either the second or the more devestating ones, the first elven race.

In my Saga I also added one last forth race of elves, which had come in the very last hundreds of years and never left after they arrived. They were the pure light elves and had evolved from the third race, as they stopped eating flesh and other living creatures and only lived on the fruits given to them by the beautiful gardens they created. These creatures were both elves, but also so far away from the original first elves you could ever imagine. They all came from the same sourse, but while the darkest of their kind choose to devolve ever and ever into manifesting more and more pain and suffering for others, while thriving through lies and manipulation, this last group had went the totally opposite direction and search for the perfect unification with others. They only seeked love and harmony, and created more and more beauty and art for everyones free enjoyment. They only seeked everyones happiness and fullfillment and being such pure creatures they built beautiful places with the help of the power from the source, which can override any gravity and turn all into energy. They needed no slaves and could manifest anything their mind could imagine from the ether. They were like gods walking on earth, but also they were still very quiet and lived within the walls of their great white palace, shining their light on the world to help all humans evolve beyond their dependance on the first races and their viles.

I wrote that story as we do have a choice, and if these cone heads, which I call the elves, truly were so evil once they need not stay that way. They might have evolved to something else, as that would be their choice to do so. Some might had stayed just as evil, or even gotten worse, as that would had been the choice of them to do so. We all as humans have the same choice, we can choose to backstab our own kin, rob them of their inherance or mistreat them and lie about them. We might choose to frame those who've showed us nothing but love and care and we might murder all love given to us. We have the choice to treat others poorly and only think about our own well being. But by doing that we are choosing the same slippery slope the first elves choose, which led them into a very dark place. Like I said they became the vampires and evil magicians, but they also turned others and themselves into zombies, walking deads with not soul left. It was the choices they made lifetime after lifetime that brought them into that nightmare. In every lifetime you get a choice, whether you notice it or not, you do get a choice. Nobody will judge you when you make the choice, but you will always have to reep what you've sowed in your own life. In every life you will also choose what hardship you will suffer, not cause you have done something to deserve hardship, but cause your higher self wish to evolve. 

Stupid people not understanding karma will believe people having hard lives have done something in previous lives to deserve this, but that is not how it works. Hard lives can be choosen by the purest of souls to mature into even higher understanding and compassion. Only those who have truly suffered will know how it feels to suffer, will have opened their minds and heart to the most helpless and weak. That is why the innocent are suffering so much in our world, as the innocent souls choose to experience pain from the recieving end, to help them choose to never give pain. Not cause they used to hurt others in other lives and enjoyed it. That is not the case, I believe. No, I believe it's the other way around. Those enjoying hurting others most times choose easy lives, where they can sit in a sofa and push a botton and kill thousands without a thought in their head. Their karma will be the loss of their souls, the becoming of robotic creatures, which was why I gave the first race of elves robots as servants. They create only death, zombies and robots, nothing of life and beauty. They enjoy alcohol and other drugs that numbs the mind and fornication without any love or care for their partners. It's the empty, shallow lives filled with tricks and treats to make it bareable and fun. But it's just like a circus, empty after the show is over.

To truly recieve in this world you have to reach inside your heart. You have to go inside and seek the meaning of everything, and the answer resides in your heart, your ability to love. When you fill your soul of what is inside you will no longer yearn and wish and want anything that is of this shallow, superficial world of glamour and noise. You will hear the song of the eons, see the light of the source and you will be filled with unity with all that is and was and always been. That is when you realize all the rest is silly and petty. The lying and manipulation done by the dark souls are so foreign anything can be, to a soul filled with the grace of the unity of our origin, our true selves. I could not even begin to make you understand, but the love and unity you feel when truly home is just pure bliss rushing through your every cell like nothing you could feel or experience on this earth. Perhaps you could get a glimps when truly high on love, having the greatest sex with that special one or jumping off a cliff in only a rope. It happens sometimes the brain give off some chemicals that come close, but never near enough to that true bliss of the source. And the knowledge and wisdom you have when home is not even possible to try and describe.

The fighting and killing and lying and steeling is plain silly when you know all this. You see how deluded all the psychopathic con artists are, how useless and shameful and meaningless. In the end they are only hurting one person and one person only with all their evil intent and deeds - themselves. They could not really hurt another, on a greater scale. Yes, they can both physically and emotionally hurt you here in this reality right now, but on the greater scale they can not. Remember that when you are a sufferer from severe trauma abuse by these low life selfshitters. They can not touch you as you are a being originating from source, eternal and one with everything. You are beautiful to the core, as you have choosen to experience these low lives abuse. You have offered yourself up as a test for them to choose to hurt or to change their ways and evolve. If they hurt you, they are the ones now paying the price on the greater scale of things. I know it does not feel that way. You might think that they are getting out of all this without a blemish on them, but nothing could be further from the truth. Don't look on what you can see with your eyes, but what you can feel in your heart. They are not getting scot free out of nothing.

Now I've talked alot about the psychopaths, the Saga I wrote about the elves, which is a story about choosing to be a psychopath or a real soul in union with all that is, was and will be, and always are. The site I am promoting here does not however deal with these issues. It's on a much lighter tone and has some graphics on it and a few things for my children too, which I doubt anyone else would be interested in. It was made long time ago, when they were all much younger, and now they are all growing up, becoming adults very fast. We made up names for them, which I don't think anyone of them uses anymore, like Elfen Yavanna for my oldest girl, and Knight Sindar for my oldest boy, and Prince Lorien for my youngest boy and Princess Elanor for my youngest girl. The names are all from Tolkiens fairytales and also names on cats we've had. Elanor was my youngest girls first cat and she was all white with yellow eyes. One day the little girl woke up one morning and came to me and asked me where her white kittie was. I told her she had no white kittie, but she was sure she did. When we shortly afterwards went to the shop I saw the first advert ever on their board about some white kitties wanting new homes, so I rang them up and my little girl had her white kitty in real life, now.

On the first page of the site I have an image of dolls supposing to be the four children in the tale of Narnia. Ever since I was a child I've loved that tale and I read all the books when in school. They also reminds me of my four children as they are like those children. My oldest daughter reminds me of the older girl in that Saga, and the older boy there is the blond one, just like mine. The younger boy is the dark one, both in my real life and in the story, and the youngest girl is just a cute and sweet in my family as in that childs tale. So I have put that image there cause of those reasons. The whole site is very light, but it's also dedicated to all children that we've lost. Many parents have had babies that they could not keep for long, and thankfully I've never had to experience such grief. Those must be truly brave souls choosing to suffer so much. All I've had is several miscarriages, which is nothing like loosing a child after he or she is born. I've had childhood friends that's been killed in car accidents, and I think this page is for them too, as one little boy that died was one of the sweetest and nicest boys I ever knew. I like to think he moved on to another fairytale and enjoyed another life there filled with wonders. Even if his family missed him dreadfully it makes it all more bareable thinking like that, instead of him being gone for ever. I know you are never gone for ever. Not even those loosing their souls, as their souls are only lost to the body, the soul itself never dies. 

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry

Your Queen Angelica

After finishing up a little clean up of my websites and adding some new gifts here and there I came up with the great idea to make a blog about each site. Which will take for ever. I haven't even made all the videos I had planned yet. That is me, always on a new idea before finishing of old ones. This is my site about myself really, so don't expect to find much as I don't like to be seen. I have some private stuff here, if you look for it, but most of it is very old - ancient even. I've neglected all my sites and all my graphics work immensely for a very very long time. I had so much plans, but life came between. I had hoped that all the affairs that bothered me, with lawyers and stuff, would be long time over by now, but it just keeps dragging out. I've written a few blogs about those matters here and I have also made a couple of fun videos in swedish I'm so amuzed by. I was very naughty and read my counterparts letters to the court, immitating them. Well, I actually made fun of how they sound in my head. It's very well deserved as I've done nothing wrong by them, so why did they start to pick a fight with me? 

Guess nasty people are like that - they frame you, lie about you and then you are ment to feel shame for standing up for yourself and the truth and you are most certainly not allowed to make fun of them. Those videos are private, but anyone having the link might see them. One of these days I make a blog about them and show them to the world. It's cause I so much love how I sound when doing the immitations. They always makes me laugh. I wish I could had made them fun in english too, but my skills in immitating nasty people are somewhat limited to my native language. In this blog however I will only share my gifts from my Queen page - Your Queen Angelica. It's also my wish I had wings site, as I so wish I did and could fly. I do dream I can fly now and then, but not as often as I used to. It's not such a thrill as it used to be and my fellow dream people do not seem as impressed by my skills in it as they used to be. Think I've shown off a little too often. I rarely meet any others who knows how to fly when I dream those dreams. It's like I want to prove I can be free and that nobody can hold me back, when I have such dreams.

When I first did this website it looked somewhat different, but not that much. I intended it to be the first of many fantasy sites and wanted to invite those into such things to all my sites. I put together a group I called Fairyland Poetry and hoped some would join. For awhile I did have some members. I like to call the members fairies, but not that they are gay or anything, as I don't ask about that, but since it's a fun little fantasy figure that belongs - of course - in Fairyland. My oldest daughter was an active little fairy for awhile and she made lovely graphics and poems for the group, but then she quite and I somewhat blame myself for it, as I got so angry on a nasty woman who accused me of cheating after my daughter won a contest in the group. The poll was on Yahoo and I have no idea how to fake it, but she said I had as she was mad as hell she didn't win. She'd made one graphics and then changed colours on it a few times and pretended they were several different graphics. It was all the same. It's dead simple to change all the colours like that. I've done it tons of times myself, but never have I claimed they where different graphics.

My daughter had made loads of wonderful own stuff, she'd made up all by herself. I was very proud of her so of course I voted for her, and so did my oldtime fairy member, who also was a very nice woman from southern Sweden. It was such a horrible thing to see how a grown up american woman could behave in such a veil and sick way to a child and I totally got super angry on her. My daughter is very sensitive and she does not like to be a problem and that is why I regret that I let her know how horrible that woman behaved. Now I am pretty sure she was just another nasty narcissist. They tend to aim for the kind and caring, in some kind of hit and run game, where they try to insult and shame a person as much as possible with as little input they can. It's like it's a game for them. One thing I've noticed with these really nasty ones is that they are not very talented, but likes to cheat to look really good. Some of the best and most talented women I know out there have been lied about by these kind of envious women. I didn't quite having my group though and I don't remember what I did with the nasty fairy, but she was gone and I got a new member. My old time member left, sadly, due to personal reasons unknown to me now, though I think she told me back then, but that is very long ago now.

I was very sad to see her go as she was the very bestest and most talented fairy I'd had. I did get another fairy from the north, but this time from Norway, and I so loved her. But then a friend of hers wanted to join and she seemed very good at graphics and all was well until I sent out warnings about the swine flue vaccine and all hell broke loose. The new fairy got totally mad over the insult of me warning for this. According to her the emergency room was swarming with leathally ill victims and everyone needed to get their shots. I had heard nothing about full emergency rooms and the only sick people I'd met where those who'd taken the vaccine. Her friend, the first norwegian fairy, left in rage over how rude I was who would not ask for forgiveness and make redemptions for sending out such horrible lies. And then her friend, the one who created the drama, stuck around and ruined totally my group. She just stayed there, but didn't contribute and it felt horrible to send in things I found interesting, as she was policing my group and sending negativity. In the end I decided to warn her that she would be deleted if she did not participate and when she didn't reply I remember I did kick her out. What a relief!

That was back in 2009 of course, and then we all know what happened after a few years. Big headlines all over the place - the swine flue vaccine was dangerous. It caused severe cronich illness that made many victims suddenly fall asleep. Their lives where a mess. I am still waiting for my two norwegian fairies to send me an excuse, an apology for shaming me for caring for them and their families. Not a word so far. I think it must be 2 or 3 years since that news brake and yet none of them seem a bit bothered about how they treated me. I guess that's the pathology of this world, that people are unfairly rude to those trying to help them and then cannot own up to the errors of their way when shit hits the fan and they are proven right, those who tried to warn them. It's like the saying goes - don't shoot the messanger. And the messanger is an angel, as that is what an angel is - a messanger of the creator. The creator makes many angels. Every corner is an angel, every turn, every piece of this construct we call reality is actually an angel. And they all have something to tell us, a message. So of course I want to tell my fairies something too, and not just be an empty shell of shallowness, like we are led to believe is the "good" way to be. Having content, thinking for yourself and finding out things are "bad", but that is just the lies of the psychopathic mind that has taken over the control right now. 

Today I haven't had an active member for years in my beautiful Fairyland group. I don't even try to invite any and I don't hope I will ever have any again. Everyone seems to be stuck on FACEBOOK or whatever. I don't know what people do anymore, but my guess it's not graphics and creative work as much as it used to be. Many only use their mobile phones on the net and post little comments and mails. Looking on stuff and more or less being kind of passive about it as they are more and more acting like we do in front of the tele, make comments about the stuff shown, but not putting in any effort to actually go out and create anything themselves. That is why I like YouTube, as it's possible to be a bit creative there, but many just shove their mobile phone in their faces and start talking nonsens. If they are good bullshitters they might get a little crowd that follows them, even if what they say are things I've figured out many years ago. They look like they know something and people will listen to them, but many times their message is the same old we've heard hundreds of times, and loads of propaganda are repeated like truth. Stuff that's been proven wrong for ages. But if you have the right tech it's easy today to become your own little news channel on YouTube.

I have of course lots of channels aswell, but I rarely make any videos. I'm in the process of doing one video for every webpage I have though. So far I'm a little less then half way through. It's the same with my videos as it is with my blogs and my websites and groups, I rarely have anyone coming by. But now and then it happens and I get a friendly comment. That is very special to me, as I know everyone is busy with their own lives and I'm not exactly out there looking at stuff that much myself. Never been. To have a successful group you need to promote the hell out of it. You have to be very charming and make people love you and help you to promote your group for free on their spare time. I have no idea how to make people do such things for me. And I don't even think I want to know. Why should I want others to suck up to me and do everything I tell them to do, like they were my dogs? People should be people and not licking my foot when I kick them in their face. So I would never succeed at that. I guess there are some nice group leaders too, who's kind and loving and hence having a few dear friends in their groups. I've met a few who seemed to be that way, but I ran away as I didn't want to find out I was wrong!

Eventually I think all belonging to some kind of group, with lots of rules and the whims of some neurotic leader will not succeed. It's not even possible to succeed. I'd rather have it like the group is a home and you come and visit there now and then, but the home owner, the leader, treats you like an honorable guest while you are there. You can come and go as you please, but if you are rude and insults the host and their family you might be kicked out never to return. That is how I'd like groups to be like, instead of the dictaroship with bullying leaders and snitching fellow members. There are so much narcissism going on in those groups it's awful. There are double standards, different set of rules, if you are one member or another. If you are a low life foreigner - that is someone who's not born or raised in the US, mind you - you most likely will have no favors. You can kiss ass day long, but you will not come inside for real. It's often a group of old time friends who's the base of the group and they are keeping the door closed for all newcomers. Then one day they start to bicker, like hags do, and the house of cards comes tumbling down. That was atleast how I saw it time and time again back in the days when these groups were quite common.

That was before the depression and everything in the states fell apart, it seems like. It was when they thought they were special and blessed, when they thought they had special favors granted by God. Then they went against the creator and started a killing sprea all over the eastern countries, one after another. It was started by the satanists of the world and arrogant, weak minded people let themselves get lulled into the belief that murder is good, killing and maiming of babies and children are actually needed for the greater good. There are no such thing as the greater good. There is no safety to be gained from raping, murders and ruining the life work by thousands and thousands of good, honest people in the world. That is the deceptions of the deciever, which is the one satanists worship. It was my total let down by groups claiming to be compassionate, angels, caring and good, in these basic morals that made me give up hope on all these phony groups from over the pond. And I couldn't find any groups here either that cared. Everything needs to be so very shallow, so pointless, so dumb, if it's supposed to survive or exist in this world. So I created my own groups for fairies and angels and every fantasy creature out there. A fairyland that actually cares about honor and morals.

Not that I have been promoting anything special in my group, cause what I've done is more sharing of information. Very different information, but still valid and interesting many times. I have shared many books and alot about history. All through modern history, starting back in Sumer, we've had the same shit going on. We've had the wars, the famines, the banksters robbing the people, again and again. That is the reason humans keep forbidding interest, it's cause it devestates whole nations and kills the economy and then of course the people. It stops the manurfacturing and the farming and people have no food to eat and no money. And when everyone starts to die the kings have again and again had to kill all the money lenders and taken back all the wealth from the very few rich that are sitting in their huge palaces with all their gold, while everyone else is dying. How many times did this happen only in the era of Sumer - 2 times? Or was it 3 times? It's like a death cycle and we just go round and round. It's so very true that those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. So one of the most important subjects I like to post about is history. But all the time it's been psychopaths. Cause those wanting to earn interest from others are always of a psychopathic mind. It's a leathal system and it kills everything. That's why.

One problem I've had with my group is of course the very fact that women seem to like to play dumb and refuse to learn anything. And I've only had female members. Guess it feels just not right for a man to be called a fairy. Unless he is of course. When in a group with men I can feel there is alot of showing off who's the smartest and who can think the brightest. Not always, but very often. Those who are too dumb to think, but like to pretend they are smart, will try and belittle those who are great thinkers. It's the same with men as with women in that way. But in groups with women it's much rarer that they try and impress with their insights and thoughts. Actually most women like to act like they are kind of stupid and then there normally is one with a huge ego who likes to order all the hens around. That one is normally one nasty control freak. All the rest of the women seem scared to offend her and suck up to her. It might just be my small experience, but I've seen it a few times. Those ego driven women will not accept the rules of another persons group, just like they will come into your home and act like they own it. I've seen that too, in real life. Very rude.

Another thing that is big in my group is the ancestry. We all have them and it's very fun to find out who they were. I wish all those records, for everyone, was available, but it's almost always ending very early when we go back in our own history. Some years ago my younger sister and her husband created a family tree and I was so very excited. I wanted to help out and was kind of over bearing so I was told she had enough help from others. Guess she ment from people who matter in her life, right? Well, that was what I heard. I was very sad as I had actually thought I'd found something that both of us liked as when I worked for the church it was one of my favorite duties to help out with ancestry research. But when I did try and help her I found out alot about possible ancestors. That is if my sister has been truthful about what she's found out or if she lied about that too, as she lies to everyone about me right now. I've blogged alot about that lie. You know the lie that I was not shown a paper and then she believes that the reason it's missing is cause I've stolen it. Which does not make sense to a thinking human, as if I had stolen it I must have seen it or was I closing my eyes when I stole it? I don't know, but that sounds like pathological reasoning to me, so if she can lie about a stupid thing like that I guess she can lie about anything.

As she claimed an ancestor was a king on Ireland back long time ago, I looked up the anals of the kings there and where the family line of those kings came from. It turned out that way back many hundreds of years ago they came there from another place. According to the anals it was the king of Spains family who came to Ireland and conquered it. The king was dead at that time, but he was also a prince of Scythia, a huge kingdom far away in the east, which thousands years later became the Kazarh kingdom, from where most jews now decend from. No wonder people are compairing ancient Ireland to the origin of that belief system - it's all connected in a very interconnnected web. The queen however they consider to be a daughter to a great faraoh. Many scholars think it might have been the one we call Akenaton, who's wife was Nefertite. Her ancestors in their turn came from Sumer. It was all so thrilling and I found out so much, but my sister was not the slightest interested. She said there were nothing to go on in that research, like what she'd come up with was any more reliable. I doubt it was, so just as it might had been errors in the kings anals of Ireland it might had been an error to start with that we had ancestors who were kings of Tara in Ireland!

According to the research she had accepted, since it had nothing to do with me perhaps, our ancestors were ruling for many hundred years a part of Ireland that was of particular interest to me. They were kings there for 700 years and in their realm lay the place called Tipperary. I could just not believe it as when I was a child I was like totally obsessed with that little song. Like it was connected to me somehow. My oldest daughter always felt very drawn to Ireland and she was so thrilled to hear that our ancestors might had walked that land many hundreds years ago. Then when I saw that they too had ruled further north even longer back, and ruled from Tara, it was awesome as I have that poem on my main site. I felt it was just me when I saw that poem. There is just something there that feels like some kind of vague genetic memory so perhaps she did get it right. But I still think that if she got that right then my research too must be right, as I had with a strong gut feeling of connection, feeling like a family bond, downloaded photos of the mumies of Nefertitis grandparents from Sumer. I thought of them as grandpa and grandma long before I found out the possible genetic bond. Father did also write a book about Sumer, and was very interested in finding out more about that place in the ancient time. 

A topic he was specially interested in was why Sumer disappeared. I tried to discuss it with him but he felt like all I said was stupid and would not hear a word I said. There are a few theories you know. One is that a comet hit that area, as there is a huge crater from that time period, and following that a great plague hit there, which I've heard is very common after a hit. Something seem to tag along with those heavenly bodies and when they make landfall they infect the land with some new diseace. The plague that killed almost everone in the latter days of Sumer is said to be the same plague that later on hit Europe and killed half of the population, if not more. The black plague. There were another plague in between that hit the Roman Empire really hard, but I don't know if that was of the same strand as these other two. But what happened was that people of Sumer considered it to be the royal families fault that the plague came. That they were not graced by the gods anymore, so they had to leave and taking everyone belonging to them with them. Those left behind was hence not of the same family or group of people as the ruling elite and Sumer was no more. That is one story I've connected myself from things I've heard, but I could not even come to the comet part. You need to learn to listen if you want to hear.

Other topics in my group are of course fairytales and poetry and like I mentioned before graphics. I have many poems on my different sites and on this one particularly. At the start I focused more on these things then I do today, as I kind of find poetry boring nowdays. A poem must be something that comes from the depth or your soul to express itself and many poems are just pretty and will not speak to any deep part at all of me. Just like my fathers disbelief in my intellectual capabilitites I've come to see that none in my family believes I have any ability to write anything either. When I say none, remember, I'm talking about most of them, though I do know there are a few special ones who are not as easily fooled as most of them was. Once, a long time ago, when I was mearly 20 years old I spoke to my father and he actually managed to listen for once. He was stunned and said with shock in his voice "well, you are actually intelligent". I have never forgotten that as my question always been "who said I wasn't?" as someone must have made him believe I was not. That person I think very well is the one in our family who thought himself being a genius. He used to mock his older brother and me and pretending to our parents we were so very dumb.

What he did, and which I now so clearly has re-remembered, is that he put words in our mouths we had not said. He would argue us on points we had not made and by that making us look foolish, as the parent would assume we had said those ridicilous things he said we had. That is how I think my father was led to believe that I was stupid and therefore would not listen to me. When he got older this selfproclaimed genius kept close contact with father so no wonder he eventually forgot his discovery long time ago - that I was in fact intelligent. He also got stupid ideas that I was not of any interest and would question me why someone else would want to meet me or see me. Like it was totally unimaginable to think that some human being would find me the slightest interesting. The way he said it back in 2003 made me understand where I had gotten that notion from in my 20's - that I was of no interest and that I needed to take the interesting brother with me to go and visit a distant male relative of ours. Wow, how disappointed he was when I came with my boring brother. He only wanted to see me, alone. Now I see how stupid I was in one matter - my own self worth. I was a young and beautiful girl, of course an older gentleman would like to see me, rather then my selfcentered brother.

I was still a pretty fair looking lassie back in 2003 too, so why would an elderly sweet man not want to see me? I was in a shock for quite some time after my father had asked me that question in truthful disbelief over the fact that I had been asked to visit this gentleman for so many decades and then finally dared to. I am so happy I did atlast, as soon after he left this earth. Before he was all gone I met him in my half sleep, where he told me the story of this beautiful young man named Daniel and how his life was. As I watched this presentation and admired how handsome and sweet the boy looked I woke up in amazement realizing it was my friend Daniel who had come to see me and let me see how young and beautiful he really was. The old mans body was just at the end, but he was also young. Daniel had said that I was his twin soul and that he'd only felt like that with one other person and that person was someone who'd made my childhood bareable. She had made Daniels childhood bareable too. We were interconnected. This lady was my grandfathers sister and she was the bestest of friends to my grandmother. 

I wish I'd not been raised with such fear of hurt and pain, that makes me shun love in any form it comes. I wish I had been a better friend to Daniel and to all others who actually cared for me and loved me. Whenever someone did I would not believe them, cause I am not worthy to be loved. Who had tricked my father into thinking that about me? Cause I remember him loving me once, feeling I was his special little girl. So who was so foul and envious they had to make him look down upon me and recent me? I think it was the same person who tricked him into beating me up ever so often when I was a small child. That was when my belief I could ever possibly be worthy of love slowly was beaten out of me. Slap by slap. He hit me as hard as he dared to until mother would tell him it was enough. While they were doing that I used to stand far away and watch. I didn't like to stay in that childs body and feel those slaps, so I would stand a little distance. It was not really me then and I could comfort myself so much better, as that was not really me.

Another thing that Daniel told me was that if he could he would adopt me, but then I was already over 40. Thinking back on my upbringing and everything I think I would had loved to live with him and his sweet wife and their five children. I would had been their baby sister and they'd all love me so very much and I would had known that I was worthy of love and not been raised to fear it as it hurts so bad. I don't have any problems with loving, I only have serious problems with believing anyone else could possibly love me. And as you saw, my dad had the same issues with me - that I was unloveable. You can see all those memories on my page if you search for them, just like I said above. There are some secret little corners with treasures on that site. The gifts I have shown here are all from that site and made by me. Some are made from tutorials, actually most are. The first one I made the frame for myself and then there is a couple that are mixed with graphics I made with a tutorial and my own creations. The defiance one is like that and it should really be a tagg and not framed like I've made it. The frame is from another graphic I've done too, so not original to the defiant girl.

There is also one other theme on that page which is extremly dark and that is to do with death. As angels also are associated with and they are said to come and get us when we die. If you ask me they are working for the matrix, the program we live in, and when we die they take us to a place where our souls are re-cycled and when good for go we get another body. It's just that it's not home, but it's a nice enough place for those who like to live again. As I said, you will be born again from that place. The reason for that darkness is cause the flying is what the soul does when it leaves, that is when we finally get to fly. There is this death wish I'd carried ever since my early teens as things got too hard, too cold and too little love. I wanted to go back home to source, from hence I came. I didn't want a new body, no new life, I wanted out of this hell hole. The name Angelica was also the name I had choosen for my last child, if a girl, but I had a spontaneous abortion and lost the baby. It was due to severe anemia it turned out six years later when I almost got to die and go home. But I survived and I got well, but does those who did not care when I was a child care I was still alive? Of course not. But I do.  

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry