Come Alive

Started listening to Lisa and the beginning is so connecting with me! I've experienced the same, we were all so tired, so ill, just as they say. I need to get shit into balance, order, get my house prepared, but there is too much buzz, too much interruptions, disturbances, nonsens. Too much of what OTHERS want, and too little of what I need to be to feel fine. It's like I want things to go QUIET - to SHUT UP - so I can get a grip of all that is. I believe it's all this shit hitting us all day long. The frequensies, that information overload. I have things I really care about, and I've had to put all that on hold as others are taking MY TIME away from me. Then the guilttripping. Always the guilting, always making ME feel bad for being REAL. No, I am allowed to be me and to be respected, and everyone arguing with THAT is not looking after what is best for ME. My life is about ME, and about what I am here to do, what I feel I need to do, what makes ME feel content, and as if I am achieving MY GOALS. I feel content when I have beauty around me, and when my children and family is feeling good and I can know they are going forward with their lives, as THEY WANT things to be. I feel content when I can create all of that, both physical beauty, graphics and joy in others. Just knowing others are happy and looking forward. 

I want all I love to live on the country side, with land they can use to grow things on, and those who yet can't do that, for them to still be in environments which means they can achieve this in the future. Like going to university, taking a course, so they can make a living and fullfilling this goal. I don't want people I love to end up in crowded towns, without nature and the closeness to the Earth. If they do they might loose their connection to the planet, and she does NOT want people like that, as to her that is like malignant bacteria, people who are not in harmony with her. You need to sit on her, to feel her, to smell her and to be really into her to become in harmony with her. So no wonder people are getting crazy! They've lost this connection with what matters. You need to live so your world will NOT crumble if there is no computers, no mobiles, no teve, no phones, no radio, no cars, nothing of what we are used to. When you can live without all that and STILL have a purpose that fullfills you, then you are in harmony with Earth. Atleast it's highly probably you are. At that time you will not embellish others statements and act insulted for others needs, but you will pay attention and respect their words and their true intent. That is to be balanced and in harmony. 

So now I will continue listening and I'm grateful I finally have gotten better, after I did start to take steps to confront some of my fears. One of them being to defend my own creations, and my own intent with having these creations. In the end I will have to make a final solution as it still is not working as I wanted to, as I am still not listened to and recognized. When that is in your own creations, your own safe havens, they don't work anymore and are not mine and are not safe, so I might have to loose them, though I really don't want to, but I have to realize that I'm not at all deciding this at this moment, and whatever I do some people will get upset with me for not letting them control me. And it's not healthy to let others control you or define you and shame you for caring for your own creations and manifestations. But unfortunately this is how this world works today and too many don't give a crap for others work and creations. They are embellishing their own, or their admired friends, but when you see that they truly don't really see what you are about, but only imagining they do, it's futile to fight anymore. Some times you need to cut your losses, and move on, as shit gets too bad and you have not the power to set stuff right. The resistance is too big, the willingness to see is too small, so the energy you still have will be lost in a meaningless struggle to convince another about your true needs. 

When all instead is about the other, it's useless, and this is the world we are living in today, that alot of us need to stop letting ourselves be controlled by those who think they know better. It's a long journey to come to that place that you see that all who tries to use you and control you and think they own you are all gone from your life. Left should be people who let you be you, who will never tread on your creations, and who will not take you for granted when you are caring and helpful, but who see that this is what is. Users will forget your help once it's over. They will also use you for their own goals and once they've changed interest they will not acknowledge your help anymore. Users also always feel sorry for themselves, while they wont acknowledge that everyone has their own burden to carry. That's why they will walk over you, as in their mind your burden do not exist, as they can't see it, or feel it. It's just hypothetical, not really real. They will imagine your life and it will be a silly little stupid picture of a whole huge movie. Yes, that's how it will be. Like taking a snap shot from a long movie and paint ALL your assumptions on this single picture. So no wonder so much crap and believes are projected at others, when this is done. And that is what I feel I cannot tolerate anymore, as I've spent my life defending others rights to be themselves, and I need to also stand up for myself now.

I have a right to be myself without being bullied and shamed for what I need to be. The bullying and shaming is very effective, as that will make all others to feel the bullied person is a shit, without any substance to their claims and needs. And then no one will show the bullied person any concern, as all about that person is silly, emotional, ridiculous, or whatever "frame" they'd been put into. People are not able to put into small boxes and to "frame" this way. We are vast beings, and we need to feel heard, listened to, not described by ANOTHER, but listened to thrue our own selves. Some of the worst things done to you, is when someone else tells your story, without your concent, to a group of people you are associated with. It's hearsay, not really accurate, and like I said, it might be things you NEVER wanted them to hear. That is one thing that will start bullying, as silly stupid interpretations, faulty explainations about your deeds and experiences might be very harmful on people's view on you. And also the fact you are over talked, not allowed to say the story yourself, is very very harmful. Either you are forced to try and correct the story, but you should not have to even do that as you never intended that to be put forward in the way it was, or you will try to let it evaporate and not be further spoken about. 

In my opinion this talking for others is also a form of "smear", a form of gossip it is for sure, and no one should gossip about others. That's something all too common today, and it's destructive. Often it's men who believe that women are silly, stupid, emotional, and they put the women down in a very convincing way. I've been listening awhile to this sweet Lily and she's saying so much I do click with. It's easy to steal an honest person's work and ideas and then discard them with slight overtaking and gossip. It's happening all the time, but all of this is emotionally draining, and it doesn't serve anyone. So it's better to walk away from such situations and create a new heaven, a new haven that is. A place to gather with truer friends who don't tell your tales to others. So I wish to deeply recommend you to listen all thrue this video as I've done by now, as there are so much important matters brought up and deep conversations. I was truly surprised how much I liked this talk as I've listened to Lisa before, talking mostly with men, and it's been fine, but nothing as truly interesting and agreeable as this talk with these two ladies. Personally I found sweet Lily most appealing, perhaps as she had some vibes that was pleasing to me, but also the tough chick Dana is worth hearing. I however really like Lisa and what she talks about.

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry

Narcissism Is Normal

A very rude person wrote this insulting comment to a video made by another person, who were depressed after a very painful breakup from his wife: 
Here's another walking definition of a paranoid disorder. Complicated with depression (firm pessimistic prognosis on psychatriic treatment) and a schizoid affectation. Claims that he was diagnosed with PTSD (F43.1), the cause of trauma being his wife who couldn't do laundry and talked behind his back. Has an idea of having "narcissistic abuse syndrome". Expresses strong negative affect towards his wife. Is reluctant to take antidepressants and anxiolytics.

Some person - probably a male - defended seamingly the videomaker with this comment:

Rebeccas Grave - 20 juli 2015 +drgdrf Narcisssists protect narcissists. Love how you drop the DSM code to show your an authority over him. You are taking ONE thing he said and DELIBERATELY twisting it into something else. Transparent move. (yawn.)

Since I totally - 100% - agreed with this Rebeccas Grave person, I wrote a supportive comment:

Sagoland Poesi - 20 juli 2015 +Rebeccas Grave Totally concure with your estimation. Narcs are lazy buggers and drgdr (= Dude Rejecting Good Dudes Repeatedly, by the way - my psychic mind reading told me so, LOL) has not even grasped that the wife LEFT HIM. And any moron knows that people get depressed after a breakup, a divorce or a loss of a partner in life due to death or other causes. It's NORMAL for real humans to get depressed under those circumstances. The un-normal person here is drgrd who thinks it's weird - un-normal as in childish, infantile, and yes, narcissistic. You should not have to take any drugs due to this kind of depression, but sometimes people feel it helps them, so I'm no judge of that. Unlike drgdr I don't know what I don't know...

To my BIG surprise this person did NOT agree with me, and had to state that to me:

Rebeccas Grave - 20 juli 2015 No. Narcs love their egos and are not lazy in the slightest to go out of their way to keep up appearances. What's he supposed to think about the moon, sun and stars? Dig deep there is a heart down there somewhere.

To this day I don't understand what this person is talking about in that comment. I tried to be open minded, though I felt hostility in the reply, which began with totally dismissing me with "No". This is how my narc FOO speaks when putting you down. Reply with a "no" when you agree with them, then oppose what you did not say. I never said that narcs was too lazy to uphold their apperance, I was talking about their lazyness in GRASPING others situations. To LISTEN to others!

So I try another time to connect - soul to soul - with this person, hoping it's just a minor misunderstanding:

Sagoland Poesi - 20 juli 2015 +Rebeccas Grave ??? I'm sorry, but since I'm not narc enough I am not able to make up I understand what I don't (about the moon, sun, stars and that's there is a heart somewhere). Did not get that at all... ;)

As much as you are right about them being eager to keep their apperance, you are so very wrong about what I talked about.

Aka they are VERY lazy and will NEVER read what you write properly before they use it to their advantage, just like this drgdr did above.

Kind of feel a little sad you did not get my joke, but that's fine. I do have a kind of odd humour, which is not really funny even. :)

Ok, I'm playing it nice here as I don't want to piss off someone for no good reason, like NARCISSISTS so eagerly do, but here is what I get for trying:

Rebeccas Grave - 21 juli 2015 yawn

Did you see that? What the f*ck is that? Honestly it shocked me as I was reaching out, TOTALLY agreeing with this person, so what's the insults for? This is where I start to wonder if I'm speaking to a teenager, as they tend to jump to conclusion, behave "narcish" and then refuse to accept your communication, as it's more fun to hate you, kind of thinking.

I don't want to be judgemental so I give communication on a grown up level another try:

Sagoland Poesi - 21 juli 2015 +Rebeccas Grave ??? I AGREED with you and you replied with words that I did not understand the meaning of. Now you "yawn" in reply? Is it cause I didn't understand? Or is it in reply to my clarification that I ment that narcs are too lazy READING others comments and understanding them, so they PRETEND they understand and project their own selves onto them?

(Narcs get easily bored, wont admit they got something wrong, and then treat the other with "superiority", as if the other one had done something wrong, though they had not.)

IF I'd been narc enough I might had pretended - in a superior way - that I did understand what your reply ment, and then go on and project my own imaginary meaning to what you wrote, as if my interpretation was the true one.

So, IF my intent of being authentic and honest bored you, well that is what it is.

There are a thing I've called Survivor Malignancy. It's very real and it's called something else, but I prefer my own tag on it. It's when people get infected with this nasty virus, this pathology of malice, and see evil in others that is not there.

I want to clarify that my intent had been to agree with you that it was not a truthful representation of the issue dealt with in this video, by that person (drgdrf). I think I was pretty clear, nothing vague, about my respons, but perhaps I was.

Either way, I cannot change others perceptions. I do as good as I can, with my limited understanding and ability to work this language. If that bores you, well, it does.

I do sound a bit pissed, but I have all the right to be. I was kind and supportive to this person and I get rejections and boredom in respons, as I was arguing his/her points, which was not true. I agreed with all he/she said, but tried to make he/she see my points, but was then met with "yawn" and childish rudeness. So yes, I felt confused and somewhat hurt by this mean attitude. I wanted friendship and got a nasty bully instead.

Here is the respons to my other try to reach this person, soul to soul:

Rebeccas Grave - 21 juli 2015 moan

WTF??? "What is freaking WRONG with this person", I'm thinking after this second rejection to communicate like NORMAL people. (Well, I have now realized that this IS NORMAL, and that it's me who's not normal, since I'm not narcissistic enough, but reached out as I always do with an open heart. Bad choice when most people you meet live in HELL - mentally.) So I start to seriously suspect something is not right here, that I might actually be right that this is not a grown up woman, which I'd first believed, but something entirely different. So I ask:

Sagoland Poesi - 21 juli 2015 +Rebeccas Grave What are you? Are you a narcissist??

Either it's a child, a teen or an immature grown up they are all really very narcissistic by nature, so I fit all those possibilities into the last question. Then I go and check out this person and then realize this cannot be a woman at all, and most likely a very young male with those normal narc-traits, which comes with that, as it's rare as heck with an emotionally mature young male. 

So I write this as I now realize I've been making a huge mistake believing it was someone like me on the other side of the communication:

Sagoland Poesi - 21 juli 2015 Never mind "Rebeccas Grave". Saw your account and you are no Rebecca. No wonder you don't make any sense to me. I thought you knew what I was talking about, but you are not into this at all, are you?

Also, both you and this narc dude drgdrf have tons of russian contacts, so one might wonder if you aren't connected somehow. However, I still agree with you that drgdrf acted authoritive to put down the videomaker. The weird reaction that give off "narc-vibes" to me is that despite that support from me you are acting off like a rude teenager with your silly yawns and moans.

I guess that is something this narc-society teaches young people to do, as the social conditioning thru the school system is ment to brainwash people to become narcs, which is the true cause of this epidemic of narcissism.

A danish author/scientist concluded that as many as 70% of danes show signs of narcissism today.

Ok, this was a proper and fair enough reply, I think, as I had indeed been nothing but supportive from beginning to end, and to that been met with opposition, weird replies I did not understand, and boredom. All signs of narcissism, if you wish to know. Yes, it all is. And like I just wrote in that comment above, that is not a rare condition today. Young people are raised to become narcissists and they don't even realize it themselves, when they act out this way as this person does to me.

This person has the clear intention of hurting me through discarding my attempts to communicate with him. Instead of answering truthfully and authentic he mocks me with his non-answers. Of course I don't really get upset, but I do understand the INTENT is to make me feel bad, not worthy of being spoken to. All shit narcissists throw at you to make you feel small and stupid and non-important.

Which is the reason I write this, as this behavior is not healthy one bit. It's not funny and it's most of all very mean, but it is promoted to young people to do this to others, and feel superior when doing it. In there lies the narcissism, whether they like it or not. This is why young people speak this way to their parents, and why this rift between the generations exists today.

First it was the parents belittling us, who now are parents to teenagers, and now my generation is treated like shit by our narcissistic children. Thank god my own children were raised by ME and not society, so none of my own teenagers would ever do this to me. But I know others who do, and not all the parents deserve to be treated this way. Here is the next reply I get - not any different:

Rebeccas Grave - 21 juli 2015 groan

I have just had it now with this childish person so here is my reply:

Sagoland Poesi - 23 juli 2015 +Rebeccas Grave Ok, now we all know that you have the intelligence of an inbred hillbilly pre-teen from my childhood. They could also say "yawn, moan, groan" and that was about it.

Actually, after this childishness it's not even possible you can be an adult. LOL

No change in the next reply, though this time the person says a girl's name, which is really weird:

Rebeccas Grave - 23 juli 2015 joan

It's obvious there is no point in trying to communicate on an intelligent level with this childish person. Well, if he is not a child it's one of the most childish adult people I've ever met on the net. Most I don't agree with are very argumentive, hostile and rude, and want to debate you. But this was the first person I've met I did agree with but who still would treat me rude and like I was a worthless piece of crap, just for their own amuzement. Like he wanted to punish me for replying to him, as if I was not good enough to do such a thing - aka overstepping my boundaries.

All very narcissistic ways of behaving as if you comment on the internet anyone can reply and you whould not behave like some where not worthy to do so. Well, unless of course you are a narcissist, as this is exactly what a narcissist would to - treat you as not worthy of their time and energy. I mentioned that narcissists are lazy and they are also bored with others thinking and opinions and will only care for their own.

I make a joke as I know many pretty girls with that name - Joan:

Sagoland Poesi - 17:53 +Rebeccas Grave Oh, that's a lovely girl. Very nice.

Here are my afterthoughts of this thread, which contains also a warning, as narcissism is not either or, but like a virus sneaks up and takes over when we don't realize it:

It's part of the psychopathic agenda to de-humanize real humans. To ridicule and belittle, not respond with an answer, when asked a question, being derailed, misrepresented. Anyone not trying to understand another, respond as honest as they can, are working this agenda. It's like a mind virus, an infection to the very soul, and you will know them how they respond to you. Most of the times their respons will be a big fat "NO" in reply to your positive support of them. Which is mind blowing in itself, as you expect positive feedback will be appreciated. But not with these "entities", as their intent is not to aid you, but for you to get distraught, and loose power. So they will reply denying something that was not what you said even, as that is a double whammer. 

It never feels good when someone says you are wrong, but most can take that. What people can't take is when something we did NOT say is denied, which is why that is what is done with these virus infected minds. As this respons will come to something you agreed upon it's even a tripple whammer! That is how this virus of the soul works, as it's intention is to cause confusion, harm to a real HUMAN soul. It's called alien by many, or demonic. It does not matter as it's strange, harmful and useless. It's often hiding behind a jester image, but it's only a bully and therefore it will in many instances actually bully only ONE individual while drawing in others to join. 

I cannot say for certainty, but my gut tells me I'm dealing with such a virus here, as it keeps responding, without responding, as if it likes to "play". That is how it normally does things, try to make you have a reaction where you deplete your VALUE, feel belittled, ridiculled by these no responses. This is how GOVERN-MENTS rule us - let us wait and not be heard, misunderstood, reframed. This is fascinating as it's a tactic used to take others powers from them. The ignoring game. It does not want to explain itself, like real humans do, it does not want to argue it's position, or defend itself, all traits you'd see in a human trying to reach some understanding between itself and others somehow. As anyone with the slightest humanity would try to communicate in some meaningful way - either meaningful to them or to the understanding between two people.

After I had posted this intent to write this blog I got a reply from the person in the video, so I have now decided to not post the video and also to make a few more comments about this. He told me that he'd banned the first rude commentator, and that he did not want to get involved. I guess he ment with this weird thread where I tried to make Rebeccas Grave understand that I was agreeing with him. I guess that was what he said. As I've written above narcissism is rampant, and I also want to warn about another item in narcissism. It's selfishness. I'm a typical empath and those are the most easy people to use for emotional backup and they will stick out their heads to take fire and defend anyone being abused. 

As that is how it is alot of narcissists will try to pull your strings to defend them, and I can tell you that you are NEVER defended back if you do that for a narcissist. That's how you know they are one, as they will not try and help you. And alot of people are narcissists today, and many who have been abused by one and are still in deep pain and suffering from their treatment will have empathy suspension and will not feel up to helping others out as they are too busy feeling sorry for themselves. That is part of what I wrote above that I call "Survivor Malignancy".

My question is what does he not want to get involved with? He did ban this drgdrf guy, and both me and this rude person "Rebeccas Grave" agreed that drgdrf was a rude narcissist defender. So what is it that he does "not want to get involved with", I ask myself. I now suspect also the videomaker might think that I am disagreeing with this Rebeccas Grave, when I was AGREEING with him. Geeze. I sometimes feel like killing myself to get out of this HELL. I am being NICE to a person, agreeing with him, and he replies with rejection, as if I had been arguing against him. I was saying one thing, and he opposed me with taking up ANOTHER issue, which I ALSO AGREED upon. What's wrong with people? What the F*CK have I done to these people? 

I seriously regret I even subscribed now. I had a premenition so after I subscribed I did un-subscribe, but then I felt silly and redid the subscription. I think my soul tried to warn me. Not that the videomaker was a bad person, but that he might be attracting bad people to his channel. Childish, silly people, as he used to play video-games and alot of teenagers and children look at such channels. So I was right in my gut feeling that this was not the right place for me. I don't go here to fight with angry teenagers, as I leave them in their rooms to do what they like on the net, while I go and talk to GROWN UP folks who knows about these freaking issues, called narcissism. So I was sticking up for this guy and he now tells me he does not want to get involved when he can see that I'm being bullied by a person on his channel. He just can't be bothered, since he's full of selfpity? Or why? 

Well, good for him and all the zillions I've seen in my life do the same to me. I stick out my neck, take a bullet and then they leave me there to die in my own blood, and can't even try to patch me up with ONE FREAKING nice comment back. I think that's why I felt I should not subscribe, as I don't go well with people too selfabsorbed to even have the slightest care for others feelings, but make it all about themselves. I've said alot of supportive things to him, hopefully something of use, I don't know as I'm such a useless piece of shit I'm sure it was pretty useless. 

I know. I get this way when more then ONE person puts me down. All it takes is ONE bully, then one person who tells me that I'm NOT WORTH ANYTHING. Wham! There goes the trigger again from all my life of being alone. No one who cared. No one who spoke out for me. I used to help my oldest brother EVERY TIME he got bullied. He never ever spoke up for me. Not until now. After so many years he actually, for the first time in my life believes me before my bullies. Despite us being friends for decades all it took was one bad word from the narcissists and he believed them before me. 

The same with my father who died never standing up for me. I still dream of him alot and not long ago I dreamt he was alive again. The other day I dreamt my baby sister, again only 20 years old, came over to the farm father used to live on. She came there as I now OWNED it. She had organized father's second funeral, without telling me that he'd died again, nore about the funeral. She said she'd sent me an email, though she knows that I have her blocked after she's been sending me hate mails full of lies and smear. And she'd sent those mails to laywers and our brothers and all sorts of people, so I've blocked everyone passing on that dreadful shit. 

So I said to her that she should know all of this, that I did not get her emails as she'd not stopped this shit and not said her appologies to me, nore told everyone that what she'd said about me was not true. She then, in this dream mind you so it's not real what I tell you now, said that she'd also put out an invitation to this funeral on Facebook, which again she knows I don't have and that everyone in my family have blocked that piece of lying (non-speakable words here, sorry). But she didn't seem bothered by all of this and only expected me to make the cottage ready so she could stay over the night. 

That part was peculiar as I found out the other day that she'd taken all her stuff out of that cottage two months ago. Of course my husband knew that and most likely my brother did too, but everyone "forgot" to tell me, so I've not been able to go to the farm all summer as I was afraid she'd be there, pissing in the territorium. But apparently she could not wait to get out of there, just like I've said all along. She did never want that cottage and as soon as we offered ALOT of money for her piece of the property she took the bite. However, our narcissistic nasty brother refused to. 

I don't know who's worst of them two - she for being a ruthless liar and manipulating heartless cow, or him for believing all her lies and making up his own lies to make her's more believable, aka aiding her in her lies, while he has no proof what she says is true. He does know it's not, as his other two siblings told him so. I think he's the sickest puppy as he can't accept reality one bit. He could had gotten ALL he wanted if he'd choosen to play along with us two siblings who was NOT LYING, but he choosed to help his lying sister cause "mommy dearest" told him so. 

Most likely his wife told him also to do as his baby sister said, and to screw me over. She's another one I've empathized with and tried to be helpful with, which made her very grateful until she was told to ditch me as I was not worth to befriend. And she complied. Does she think that I have forgotten that? How she told me our friendship was OVER? If she does not understand how such words hurt a friend she must be a very sick puppy aswell. I don't want to hurt her or revenge her, but I don't trust her anymore and I don't believe she has my best interest at hand. I don't think she gives a crap, honestly. I now think nobody of all of these people gives a crap. 

With "all" I did not mean my oldest brother or my husband, whom I both mentioned above. They do understand a little more now how this narcissist-stuff works. To understand and to actually do something about it is however not the same thing, so I don't expect miracles. Everyone loves the narcissists and the bully. The stupid, ugly, boring shit they don't care for. I wish I was a person everyone would love and care for, but I'm not and I used to think it was cause of outside reasons, but I understand now it's cause I'm ugly and boring and that most people fall asleep just watching me from a distance. I'm half joking, but honestly that is true. 

In this world the psychopathic liars are ADORED. And the empathetic people must be really cuties to not bore people to death. If you watch the movies you see them always as dead cute, whether pretty or plain they are so very silly and cute, those empaths. Real empaths are not that way however. In other movies they are made into holier then holy priests in long dresses and so beautiful you can't take your eyes from them. Their voices are soft and they enchant you with their loveliness. However, I doubt such people are empaths, but rather more often luring narcissists who wish to enchant their "prey". 

In real life every empath I've met have been a very ordinary person, not specially beautiful or cute, but just a good person waring their hearts on their sleaves. That is - what you see is what you get. They don't pretend to hide some mysterious treasures, which you need to search for to find. They don't look superior and condensending upon others and they don't try to make themselves into gurus and holier then holy people, but are just ordinary people wanting wellness and fortune to everyone. 

An empath would not even as a child behave in the way I have portraited above. That is, to pretend to not understand, to disagree with another issue then what was at hand, to ignore that this misunderstanding was cleared up and to make rude replies. Not even a child empath could do such a heartless act, as empaths are children of "GOD". I mean the REAL GOD here and not the fake demiurge those idol worshippers calling themselves "possessed by the holy spirit" are worshipping. The spirit who lies and tell them that "Jesus Christ is the real and only god and I am Jesus Christ, worship me and only me" or what crap that spirit tells the people he possesses. As I pointed out in another blog one such person categorily REFUSED to give me any details to anything of what he claimed he'd experienced, just that he was possessed by god/Jesus. 

Who would however behave in this hurtful way is an APATH. That is a person who don't give a crap if they hurt others as all they care about is their own entertainment. But, such a person would defend another, fellow being he sympathizes with, are perhaps friends with. Just like this "Rebeccas Grave" dude did. That would explain why he came to the defense of the videomaker, and why he could care less that I agreed with him, and that he could care even lesser then less about my insight into narcissism, and instead put opinions unto me I'd never expressed. I had NEVER said that narcissists was not eagerly protecting their apperances, or their egos, like this Graves person claimed I'd said. Never. Not true. But an error an apath would do, as such a person is apathetic. That is the first step into narcissism - apathy.

When you are replying to videos where actual survivors from narcissism resides you rarely get this kind of reply. You might however get a reply from the "positive brigade" who believe themselves to be saved by the light of positivity so they are now fierce warriors who now force fed their belief system unto all "non-believers". That is all "negative" people and that is everyone who actually TALKS about their lives and issues they have in their lives. 

The funny thing is that real therapists today - not the kind my ancient mother was, but present day therapists, actually working with people who've suffered abuse or trauma - they say that you should talk about your issues with friends, or write about them in blogs, in the very way I do here. I'm not out to smear this "Rebeccas Graves" person, as he is just normal. Normal half-narcissist, as that IS NORMAL today.

I write to understand when I meet evil why the person is so evil, what is driving them to behave in a way they know will harm another person. That is what my issue with this hellhole is, if you wish to know. I have found out that most people are apaths, and they are creating their own little hell to live in. It might be a clean hell, but still a hell, and it makes them very depressed. Many live almost sterile lives, with all their "stuff" put perfectly in place in their sterile clean homes. And they wonder "why am I depressed?". "I have cleaned and made everything perfect, what do I have to be depressed about?" 

People imagine that such a person can possibly not be depressed, as it's far more likely that someone living in filth are. However, I cannot say that I was more depressed when I was so overwhelmed with both outer and inner health issues that I could not cope with keeping the house clean, that I was more depressed then now. I'd actually say that is not true at all. I feel just as rotten as I usually have done, living among half-souls, with one foot in hell, almost making it to the other side as they refuse to become empaths.

You do know that the only road to paradise, to a whole soul, is to become an empath? I have noticed there is a huge hate campaign going against empaths right now. It might been going on for decades, even centuries, of not millenias, but I only figured it out very recently that it's a war against empaths specifically going on. At this time it's going on at the same time as it's promoting psychopathy as something positive. 

The propaganda says that it's due to the empaths there are wars in this world. Yes, that is how crazy thinking goes. All sane real human beings know that it's the psychopaths using lies and deception that make the war happen. They drag in hords of apaths, who are people who wish to help out their buddies, but don't give a crap about "the others". Empaths feel just as much for the innocent people on the other side of the border, as they do to innocent people here. So where is the logic in the meme that empaths start wars?

In my opinion those promoting this lie, this hate propaganda, are people who coldly use the kind of narcissists we know of whom are raging, and acting out and screaming like little babies when they don't get what they want, and pretend that this is the "over-emotional empaths". Isn't that hilarious! Those are not "empaths". Those are selfish, spoiled babies in grown up bodies. The so called "feelings" those liars talk about are only "me, me, me" feelings. When you push the right buttons on a spoiled narcissist they will DEMAND you to go to war for them. And they will make others war for them, so they can "keep their lifestyle". 

They will send off their willing offspring to die for them, so their narcissistic parents can "keep their remote control, and tv-dinners". No, the empaths are the enemies of these wars, the famine, the death and destruction of this earth. We are the healers and we are the friends of earth and all living things. Therefore we must die, as the alien entity causeing the psychopathy and apathy in people demand their minions to kill us, as we could destroy the psychopaths if we wanted to.

In a blink of an eye, connected with ONE INTENT, we could vanish them from this realm for good. But we don't know that, so we don't. They are afraid we will find out...

Yes, this is the very answer to the question WHY are they trying to shun us, kill us, harm us, insult us, ridicule us, demean us, frame us, put us aside, bully us, and most of all do anything they can to SABOTAGE our lives. They do it cause there is nothing they fear more then all the empaths on this earth to realize their true powers. That is why they keep us down, make us want to kill ourselves (we do know that when we die we'll come home to SOURCE, where all is love so it's a hard choice to stay here in hell). They try to push us to leave as if we realize whom we truly are they are so screwed. The day all empaths stand up and say no more to all the psychopaths of this world is the day they will loose everything. 

The Age of the Bully is then over. It will no longer be "normal" to be a bully anymore. It will be normal to care, to be kind and to be a nice person. That is why they try to make evil fun, and nice boring. That is another lie, as evil is STRESSFUL and it's forgetful as trauma causes disassociation and loss of memory.

Good times are relaxing and your memory is restored, you will in a good life remember EVERYTHING. In a stressful life you will suffer gaps of no memory, loss of time itself. So where is the fun in that? Not knowing your own life - is that "fun"? I feel this is an easy choice, but it's YOUR CHOICE. Be an apath, or an empath. Only an apath can make that choice. It's too late for someone who's already gone over "to the Dark Side", so to speak. 

Enough preaching, since I know nobody ever never have listened to me. I did my best and to be honest I didn't think life in HELL would be this hard, but it is. I only hope that others will "get it", without my words of wisdom, as I am not good at making others hear what I say, whom not already know what I am saying.

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry

Double Rules

Atleast some of us are...

Evil people have two sets of rules - one for themselves, and one for you. So lets dig deeper into why they feel like they are not like us, but something better. In my opinion they are of a lower evolvement, lacking traits that a true spiritual human ought to have. And guess what, so does the ancient wise ones understand it. There are also another kind of human here on earth, according to them, and finally I could recognize myself in a group of beings, that come straight from source. I've always felt like a watcher, someone here to collect data, so to be able to report back when I go home again. If you've read my blog you know that I do remember coming here from source, so I don't just believe this, I remember this. I was from an early age informed, by myself, to be very careful what I said to these so called humans, here on this plane, as I understood that people were taken away and locked up for speaking out of terms. 

I remember being five years old, knowing this, though no-one that I can remember ever having informed me about this danger. So I told myself to be very quite, melt in and just observe and learn this plane. I truly feel like it's been my mission to not be making too much waves, but more let others do the waving. However it's impossible to live here without impacting others now and then, and when it comes to spiritual matters, what is right and what is wrong, I must put down my foot and stand my ground. So some times you just make waves by not doing anything but refusing to let liars get away with their cons. And they do hate when do-gooders hinder them in their evil deeds, so they will notice you if you do such a thing. But all that I think is very good, as they give me material to collect and bring back about what is wrong with this place and some beings that reside here. These beings not being properly functioning, since they are spiritually deficiant and therefore psychopathic by nature. 

It might very well not be their bodies and brains that are not working properly, but the driver in the seat that just don't have all the marbles in place to make this beautiful vessel, called our bodies, to work on full mode. Lets listen to this read below and learn more about this pathology, of people who believe they have one set of rules to live by, and the rest of us without their pathology another, as they believe us to be their minions, their slaves and servants. I know this is just their delusion, as this is the realm they've been ruling now for awhile, and they truly believe that they are the best of the best evolution wise. But the truth is that their regime is coming to an end, as they are poorly deficiant and outdated. It gets darkest before the dawn, so for all of human kind to wake up and see that there are non-humans walking among us, dressed in human bodies, they need to be too obvious to ignore. That time has come very near now. Listen and learn:

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry

Your Ladie Legend

This is my last of my seven sites under my Blue Sky. It used to be the second site, after my personal site, but as it is connected to my friends site, in my Green World, I think it fits here better as they are now both the seventh site. Since I'm a woman I prefer female friends, and some women are real ladies and others are tramps. Who's who is hard to know when looking at the surface of a woman, as many tramps dress up in pretty clothes, make their hair look nice and put out an air of authority and competence. Many false narcissists and sociopaths are clever that way and will con almost everyone into believing their illusions. However, such women are no ladies, but they are terrible beings with no moral and class. Such women are no friends either, which is why I wrote about this issue on my green blog about my friend site. Here I will more delve into the matter of what a lady really is, as it should be someone with fine manners and high morals. The site you will find here Your Ladie Legend. There are alot of graphics on that site with victorian ladies that are up for the grab. Most of the things are very old, and therefore kind of small and cute today.

It's obvious that we are living in a time where reality is turned upside down. What we are made to want to achieve in our lives are mere illusions and will only leave us with an empty feeling, while what has true value is ridiculed. Those we are told are the most evil on our planet are only the patsies or in worse case, only framed scapegoats. All the while the truly evil ones are sitting in high places killing millions upon millions. So when we look for gentlemen and ladies today we might be wise not to look at those famous people we see in media, but towards the kind and helping men and women around us. But as we live in a world of illusion, where all is backwards most still believe that these liars and murderers are good people. We all know a few phony people who have made money by pretending to be highly educated and professionals, while in reality they are only smooth talking used car salesmen in their souls. You might have worked somewhere and a charming woman or man talks their way into a high position, just by charisma. All media make us believe that having a charm and good looks is all that takes to be a successful person. But the truth is that this person was worthless, at all else then smooth talking.

Another thing that many have encountered is co-workers that steal others ideas and pretends that they came up with it. Such thieves will pretend to be best friend with everyone, while smearing everyone at the same time ever so slightly. This is what I've heard is the method they use to create distrust among everyone in a group, while always being in the middle, popular among all. At this position stealing others ideas are easy and since everyone trust the thief and distrust each other, most will go along with the thief. This is kind of the same way that the females in my family go about things, and now my own mother has behaved, as the center of all gossip. While letting me help her alot when I grew up she thanked me by lying behind my back, making me out as a real fuck up, while in reality I was very responsible. The main source of what my mother actually made up about me come from my granny, when she gave me an earful shortly before I was to leave to go and study at the university. First it was clear that granny had no idea I was already planning to leave home, as one of the main points she yelled at me about was that I was still living at home. 

My parents lived in a big house and at that time we were only four living there, so granny's rage about me still living at home when barely 22 years old did not make sense, as I had a steady job at a factory, working full time. In granny's world I was a slacker, who never helped out at home and was a burden on my mother, who had to take care of all household work for me. In granny's mind it was mother taking care of me, and that was the reason I was refusing to leave home. All was totally backwards, as I had taken care of myself since I was in my early teens, and I had also taken care of my sister. Mother didn't do any household work either, like she had her mother believe, as it was either father who did it or I. But this evening, when I came home from the factory, mother was standing in the kitchen making food. It was quite a shocker for me. I remember that my closest brother was home from the university and had been out fixing his car most of the day. He looked just as shocked as I did, seeing mother making food. We gave each other a glance, and like good children of a lazy narcissist mother we decided to play along with her little theatre, so we made the table. 

To cover up the failings of a narcissistic parent is quite typical of the children of the narcissist. It's embarrassing to have such a mother, as all children want to have a normal mother or father. When they act irresponsible and childish the children step in and try to cover up the mess their parent caused. So it's no wonder both of us immediately played along with mother's theatre and pretended that this was her normal behavior. Something mother of course knew we would do as I was always so kind and empathetic with everyone else, but myself. And her golden son would do anything to get in the good book of his parents. So it's no wonder he later on pretends this charade never happened, but at this day he was just as shocked as I was, over how cruel and heartless mother behaved. She was just standing there with an evil grin on her face, as granny lashed out on us, and mainly on me. Before my brother realized that this bashing was orchestrated for my behalf, he did defend us. That felt really good, as I was not alone standing up for the truth. But this brother is very weak so he quickly silenced and let me be ripped apart.

That is one of the basic qualities of a true gentleman or a lady, that they have strong morals and they don't like when they watches abuse and unfair treatment. So they will speak out and stand their ground and they will not bow down to authority, as a gentleman or lady is in their own authority. They will see that someone else is hurting, or being harmed, and fight like true honorable people for the upright thing. That is the very foundation of the concept, however this has been misused during these years of wickedness. I know that my brother would not had defended anyone if only I'd been attacked that day. And it's obvious that my mother is no lady, as she must had been pissed I was moving away and would not serve her anymore, so she payed me back like only a tramp would do. All narcissistic women are tramps, and you realize that when you see how they behave. A lady just don't do the stuff they do as that is so slutty and trampy and vulgar, they wouldn't. The difference between these narcsissistic women are how sure they are of themselves. I truly believe that you are born to be a narcissist, and you have a choice if you wish to follow this path or evolve beyond it. There are two major reasons a person rather stay a narcissist then evolve.

One of the reasons a narcissist will not evolve and start to become responsible and mature in his or her behavior is cause they are weak and feel that there are opportunities to take the cowards way out of things. This will lead to them letting others suffer for their mistakes and after awhile their lives are fake and their souls erroded. The other reason is that they are supported by other people who show them that this weak and pathetic lifestyle works out for them. They will early on learn the importance of a fake outer face, an image, that portrait strength and confidence. Those narcissistic women that do not have self confidence in relational matters will not behave like sluts so obviously, as they don't really know how to handle this side with the perfect outer facade. Those with a strong confidence, due to a lifetime of love and support from others, will however have no problem with doing whatever they feel like, and come out of the most messy messes like unkissed virgin brides. It's quite amazing to watch, when a true blood slut can do the most foul things and then become a saintly nun in everyones eyes. It's like some kind of black magic trick.

Lets talk about the gifts I've showed so far here, and which you will also find on my site, under the link "Gifts", of course. The top one is a composition of different graphics I've put together, and then added a frame to that I made another time. The second gift is another of my own creations, where I made the frame specially for this graphic. The same goes for the bathing lovely ladies - the third gift. The forth gift was made from a tutorial, so it's the only one of the above I've not composed myself. As you can see all of these four have ladies on them, so the theme for them are obvious. There are other matters to being a lady then being beautiful and having lovely dresses and hats, but sometimes it's true that the inner beauty in people are seen also on the outside. There are a coldness in the eyes of the psychopaths and uncaring, envious bitches, that you don't see in the eyes of a real lady of a woman. Many women are ladies, but don't know about it themselves, perhaps due to low self esteem. Such women might be daughters to evil narcissistic women, who have a way to wreck their true blue daughters self confidence with tricks like the one I mentioned using my granny. 

When you are used to do good, and work hard, and then be undermined and made to look like a bad person is one of the tricks evil mothers pull on their children, when they want to destroy their joy of life. This is a trick connected to the stealing of others work as that was what mother did, with her con with my granny. Granny only acted on the lies and false information she'd been fed from mother. My guess is that mother had lied about me for years to granny and surely to many others. It's like I said, the same thing as on a workplace, where one cruel and lying bitch makes up stories about others, while always playing the hero or victim in all her fairytales. In my life I've met a few of these non-ladies, all from my own mother, to school mates, my sister and one and another co-worker. They are easy to spot as soon as you know the signs. The reason we fall for them is cause people tend to want to adore the heroes and we tend to believe that people tell the truth. So when a person with self confidence, which a spoiled narcissist have plenty of, declares that they are the hero, people tend to believe them and adore them and want to help them out.

Some of them are so charming and convincing, people just want to run into their arms and help them out. But others don't have the same charm, like my mother for instance and a few others I've encountered, so instead of just being heroes, such narcissists will also make sure you see them as somewhat pathetic victims, and there is something about lost puppies that makes people want to help. So you see that the trick is to make us think they deserve our help. The more times you've been burned by a narcissist, like I was with that granny-trick, the less you will be able to trust them. That is when they will start their guilt tripping and make you feel you have to hold it together for the family, or whatever reason. At work it can be for the project or the company. There is always some leverage they can use to make you dance after their pipe. My mother wasn't really too concerned about me after I moved out, but after I had married and started raising a family she made me think she needed company and there was alot of talk about her dying soon. This was already when my children where quite small, and she made me think it mattered to her that I came to see her with my children.

Now I know that this guilt tripping is to make you come and see your narcissistic mother, so she can have company, as narcissists are very big on company. When ever you go and see a narcissist you can be sure they will insult you and belittle you or your children in some way or another. It's just so weird to a person that their mother first begs them to come and see them, that it's important to her and that she then does what she does on purpose once you are all there. But honestly I think they don't really want you there cause they love you or missed you, but cause they were bored and wanted someone to entertain them. Once you are there they realize you are boring and that your children are totally boring, so they talk only about themselves and behaves really awkward around the children. However shocking and stupid my mother could behave I somehow expected it. I never really stopped feeling disappointed and surprised anyhow, as her emotions towards us are so foreign to me. Now I do understand why she is this way and it's just like my husband said many years ago. It's cause she lacks empathy for others, which makes her exist within a bubble without real care for others.

After many years pretending that she was soon to die and guilt tripping me into feeling obligated to come and see her as often as possible, despite very limited funds, she suddenly announced that she rather have me come alone, without my children, so I could help her out with her house. The thing is that I'd been upset for a couple of years as my father had announced that I didn't need to take my children with me when I came to see him, and I'd said it plenty of times to her how hurt I'd been when he said that. It was all so weird as mother had spoken about how important the grandchildren where and how bad father had behaved when he ignored his own grandchildren. That was just shortly before my father told me not to bring my children, so I told mother about it as she had spoken so much about this very issue, and how important they were to her. Now I realize that this was just a show, as she wanted father declared unfit so her grabby favorite children could get their hands on father's money. But he saw thrue them. So mother never thought my children were important and she never agreed with me that it was hurtful of father to tell me not to bring them. Instead she went ahead and told me the same herself.

This had happened in summer 2009 when I had spent 3-4 days with mother and my children had only stayed the night. One freaking night and mother tells me not to bring them anymore. We hardly visited anymore as they didn't like to come and see her as there was nothing fun to do. And later on they've all told me how mother treated them when I wasn't watching. She was so cruel and mean to even the smallest little girl it's so clear she really never wanted them to come and see her. My guess is that she wanted me to do her garden and work for her like the slave and servant that bitch believes that I am. I don't mind helping out people, but I mind being used and then lied about like none of my help never happened. To never properly thank a person for their help is one way to take away that the help ever happened. This is what narcissists often do, and then they credit whatever was created onto themselves and they steal the glory. If you listen carefully at the praise a narcissist give to another they are never praising the main thing, the grander thing, but something minor and then doing it in a way so it sounds like this little thing is all the person has done. That is the trick of making others see the other person as incompetent.

Then the narcissist will call someone and take others money and pay that person to do some job, and after that paint themselves as heroes as they've made all this happen. That is the important thing when uncovering a fake lady, that she will be so very cheap that she must always be paid for anything. She will never really do any hard work, but make damn sure that others pay for whatever crap she comes up with to make herself look good. In the end others will pay for all her stupid ideas, while she most of the times comes out only having to pay less then half of what the others had to. When another person hires people to help them out in a big job, and also work hard themselves, they are met with total rejection. They will not get anything for neither their own work, nore all they've paid others. That is the sick and twisted logic of a narcissist and I've seen this one so very well in my own sister, and unfortunately also in a brother. Mother does this little trick on me more covert, so I believe she's fair, but behind my back she is so not fair. However all this is now totally out of the box, and after all they've done to me these last two years this thought pattern of theirs are all too clear.

The reason narcissists are this unfair is cause they are in their maturity stuck in an age before you realize that fairness is the way to do things. Apparently the scientists have found that at a certain age children stopped giving themselves more and started to divide things equally among themselves. After a few more years the children even liked to give more to the others. This would not show up in a narcissistic person, unless they are aware of the study and want to look good. That is the catch with this kind of studies that people are not animals and people want to be liked. So they act to look good, but in real life they might not be so kind, when they know they can get away with it. In a family were the mother is no lady, but a real bitch, some children are taught to bully other children. So they are taught to take more, to expect more. In my family the boy who resembled somewhat mothers closest brother was choosen by her to get birthday parties and all the nice stuff he asked for. As a child I noticed all these things, but I never realized it was wrong, only that it was. Children are taught that the world is a certain way and they roll with it.

It's when children get in that age that they become very unselfish, and expect others to treat them good too, when they realize that some treatment are not right. So when I was five I would think it normal that only one of us children never got punished, while two of us was. I didn't feel it odd that one got birthday parties, and us others didn't. I didn't think about this more deeply until in the teens and it truly depressed me. It was so clear I was not loved as I never got anything as easy as he did. He just had to ask one day and mother bought him a dog, when I had begged for a dog for years, never being heard. I think this is a great time to mention gifts, so lets talk about these four just above here. The purple flowers is from a tutorial, but it was so dull I added an extra frame to it, which also is from a tutorial. The lillies in the green frame are totally from a tutorial, and so is the white flowers in the green frame. Flowers are so associated with ladies, so that's why there are so many here. The last gift just above here is a tutorial I added a right side to, so I could put the text on there. That is a typical victorial lady, just like those you see alot of on my site.

Another thing that happened back in 2009 also affected grandchildren of my mother. It actually all started the year before when she decided she was to move down to my sister. Mother acted really helpless and had my sister to do alot of things for her, is what my sister has told me. And then mother got an appartment and sister had to help her out to make the deal. Just when all that was done mother "changed her mind" and decided she couldn't afford this apparment if she was to go and see her golden son in the US too. Actually, it was this brother of ours who suggested that mother would skip the appartment she finally had gotten after a long wait, and instead come and see him. No concern for the fact mother needed a place to live in after she came back from her short vacation and no concern for all the work put into this deal coming through. Mother never blamed her golden son when she talked about this, but blamed those fixing her up with an appartment. They had "rushed her" and it was their fault for demanding a fast reply. That is what they do, these narcissists, blame everyone but the guilty one. Our sister was so grumpy over all the hours she put in, as she's not the kind that likes to help out.

So then the next year all this circus began again when mother yet again had gotten an appartment down in the small community our sister lived in. This time she draw out on the decision and talked to alot of people about what she was to do, as it was really expensive. Everyone in mine and the oldest son's families said she could come and live near us instead for a much lower rent. The answer she gave all of us was that she knew nobody in our areas. The first time I heard she'd said this was to my brother's oldest son, who'd suggested his granny to live in the small town he lived in at that time. It's very close to where my brother and his wife and smallest son live, and I believe the daughter lives there now. The grandson was very insulted and asked me why his granny said she didn't know him, after all the times he'd visited her and helped her out. I tried to joke it away and said that my mother would say the same to me, despite her knowing me for twice as long, and me being her own child. That was when I tested my mother on it, just for a laugh, and she did indeed tell me she neither knew me or anyone in my family. In retrospective it's not even funny!

It's not funny as the people she said she did know down where my sister lived was my sister and her family. Mother also mentioned her sister and her family. That was pretty much it. I counted to 3 close blood relatives, as the nephew and his children and grandchildren is not close. She didn't mention any friends, but only these people. So then I counted how many close blood relatives she had up at my nephews place, where he'd suggested his granny to move. I came up with the number 4. Last time I checked 4 is more then 3, and also remember that our sister's son was from her first marriage, so she only saw him now and then. Just a few months after mother had moved down to our sister's village, she and her husband moved out and into the big city. A few years later mother revealed to me that she never had been told in advance that this was to happen. If that is true or not I don't know, as my mother lies so much. She might had been told and she didn't care to admit to it, as she'd decided that her baby daughter loved her and cared for her. Mother would do so silly things it's just embarrassing when she was with my sister, and she had to clean up the mess. One time she'd backed her car into a neighbours car, and afterwards sister said mother was totally silly, and had her deal with the whole thing like a little child.

That's so incredible to hear, as to both me and my oldest brother mother behaves like we are the silly little children who need help to change our dipers. So to hear how helpless and stupid she really is, when with her golden children, is totally barock. And I guess that's why she rather wants to live with my sister so she doesn't have to put on that mask of competence all the time, and can instead be that silly person she likes to be. I don't really know. But after mother had told me this about how angry she was on my sister for lying to her and making her move down there and then she just moved away, mother began to talk about moving up to here where we live. She talked alot with my oldest daughter, who'd just moved into a flat nearby. This was in early 2013 and my daughter had a handicapped little child all by herself, as she broke off with the child's dad in summer 2012, and she also studies at the university at one of the most tough programs there are. Still her granny would phone her again and again and ask for help to get her an appartment, and my daughter would try to help her out. After a few months of constant demands her granny suddenly proclaimed to my daughter that she'd changed her mind, since she "didn't know anyone there". 

My daughter knew about this statement as she'd heard her cousin tell about it back in 2009, and she'd heard me mention that this was her granny's first reaction to my suggestion she would come and stay here. So she was forwarned, but it's still hard to believe someone would actually say such a thing after you've been in many conversations with that person and totally helped them out. It's just so rude! It's not lady-like one bit. It's totally bitch-like. This is why I do understand why my sister choose to rather have our mother close to her then me. It's so much easier to look good when with our mother then with me. Another thing is that mother has assets which I don't yet. If I ever get assets or like tens of millions, I'm sure my sister will come back to me and try to kiss my ass. But then it will be too late, as I know now what I know and I know she's just like her biological mother. She will do as she please without any consideration whom it might hurt. She will frame others for her own deeds, just like mother would and our golden brother does, only she will do it in her own way. It's always a sad thing to have to accept that the women you've had closest to you in life were fakes. And these two are not the only fake ones I've had to learn to accept. It's hard to learn that those you trusted lied to you and deceived you.

Honor, reliability, empathy, true kindness are all the hallmarks of a true lady. Without those traits you can never ever be a lady, no matter what you say. Even a lady can have passionate love affairs and do stupid things concerning the heart, but a lady would never enjoy to hurt another woman by stealing her husband away from her. That would only a tramp. So lets now speak again about my gifts here. The pretty picture with the young woman from the 20's I put together with a few nice tubes and created a nice frame to, so it's one of my own creations. The new year graphic is however a tutorial, even if I designed the frame myself. The lady in blue above is a tutorial, but I added the space to the right so to have somewhere to put the text. Below is a tutorial which I remade into a tag. I do hope you get time to visit my site as there are tons and tons of pretty graphics on there. So much victorian ladies and all sorts of different little trinkets and surprises. A final thought about being a lady is the true wish to be of help to others. Helpful and gracious people are the true gentlemen and ladies. That is why tramps and scumbags always try to use these kind hearted people. It's not your fault for being kind - it's their fault for being unkind.

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry

Your Faery Heaven

This is my sixth blue site and it's like you can read about faeries, but it's also about what we call heaven, and about happiness. That's why this site is filled with merry little fairies and small, cute childangels. I don't think any other kind of pictures could symbolize joy more then pictures of children. It's a very innocent site and there is not much more to tell about it as it's a visual site. There are plenty of graphics of all sorts there I've made during many years working with my websites. This site has evolved from an older site, which I still have a copy of on my Queen site. I redid it totally and moved the old site away, so I will not link to the old one here. If you wish to go to this site, just go here - Your Faery Heaven. All my blue sites are linked up to a green site, and this one I've linked to my youngest daughter's, which I feel is a good choice as she's a sweet, happy young thing. If only she did not have to go to school. I too wish she didn't have to, as it's a terrible thing those schools. However I like our schools far better then many I've heard about and her school is very nice. There is nothing really bad about the school, apart from the wireless internet, which is everywhere in town. I'm glad we don't live in the town, but on the country side.

When I made this site I also thought about all the lost little children, as there are so many who had a child or almost had a child and then lost them. The worst possible thing I could imagine ever would happen is to have a child, and then the beautiful creation is ripped from your arms and you cannot hold them again, not see them grow up, know what they would become, share their lives with them and watch them fall in love, marry even and maybe one day too become a parent. That is the reason your children is so precious and you should guard yourself from pushing away anyone, as you wish to have them with you for as long as you live. It's crazy to think that so many parents actually do that and loose their children on purpose, when others could had given anything to have them still alive. Children are predisposed to care and love their parents so you have to work hard to make them leave you for ever. Sometimes however I think some children can find their parents too much in their teen years, and try to avoid them, and if so I think we should let them, even if it feels very sad and you might even feel deeply hurt and rejected by your child. Remember that it's not about you and sometimes having a very talkative parent who likes to discuss very boring subjects is just not what the young person wants.

I know this is so but it still is very sad that it's how it is. We are different and while some are talkative and very good at standing their ground and tell what they think, others are not. That's when you sit there like a prat and talk to yourself, if you know what I mean. If you have a very silent child you do know what I mean. Perhaps you've read something, heard something and you want to talk about it with someone and see what they think about it, but it's a very bad idea to choose to talk to a very silent teen, who only feel like you are totally ignoring them and totally up in your own world. I know as I've done that about a trillion times, but that's how I am and I don't know how to change. I want to talk, I want to communicate my thoughts and feelings, so to me it's very hard to be with people who are very secretive and refuse to share anything. It almosts angers me, and I don't like to feel that way. I like when feelings are very open and we are connected to each other, but I think that we just don't click so easily with everyone. Some people just don't like us that much. Or perhaps it's just that they don't know what to say or what to do when you are treating them like someone you can talk to about subjects you are interested in. That since they are not interested in those subjects, most likely, and don't want to be rude, while actually not at all interested. 

When people hear about children who have rejected their parents and wont socialize with them I think many believe it's due to silly little matters like the one I just mentioned. The parents are boring and talk about the same shit all the time, so the child can't be bothered as they are selfish and don't appreciate the sacrifices the parents had to make. Something of that order is what I believe such people imagine is the reason why someone would be so cruel to their poor parents. That's the general idea that I saw on TV when I was young and the only reason ever made for people turning their backs on their parents. Eventually I found out about what horrible things that could happen inside families, much worse then I've lived through as a child. I heard that there could be severe physical abuse, where a father would brake his own sons arm. It happened to a friend of mine, and after that his mother left their father. She was pregnant at the time and the daughter that she had didn't see her father until on his death bed. She was a very good friend of mine, the one I loved the most of all my friends, and it was hard to fantome how it must had felt to grow up like that. Their mother had swiftly remarried another guy and had a new baby girl almost immediately. What I know there was no abuse in the new family their mother fixed for them, and I do hope they still care for each other as it was a lovely family. 

The reasons a woman would marry a man that could do such a thing to a child is something that one might ponder upon. She was a very lovely lady and easy to talk to and I liked her alot, so she told me the story about how she'd been swept away by his intense charm and that he'd been the perfect gentleman up till they got married. As soon as that happened everything changed, like flipping a coin. When looking back at her incredible story of this charming and handsome man, that was so cruel and violent, it's clear he was some kind of narcissist or psychopath. She told me many other things, but it all fits. How she fell in love with him, how totally insanely in love she was, and the hurt and shock when he totally changed his personality once they were married. Such people tend to honeymoon you and then use tactics to brake you in and make you more easy to handle. She was a very strong woman with an incredible charisma, so if someone wanted soul energy she was the perfect target. It took two children and a third pregnancy before she left so alot of things must had happened during all that time. In my calculation it took her atleast three years before she had enough of him after he started to do his dr Jekyll and mr Hyde routine, going back and forth with her. Why I mention this is cause this was the first time I heard of anyone harming a child so very brutally as that father did.

Later on I heard that other people also sexually abused children and thinking back I then realized that I might had known such victims and then I understood all the pain I felt from them. At the time it only confused me, as I'm a sensitive and I feel what others around me are feeling. It's like this. I feel their feelings, but I don't really know why they feel it, only that it's there. When I avoid that person I don't feel the pain, so I know it's the other persons pain and not mine. Of course the result might be that people avoid a hurting person, which they actually do. People suffering alot is not easy to be around, when they wont talk about their issues. It's confusing and it's very depressing, so hence many avoid them. I don't blame people that do, but I get very upset and angry with people who try to use and mistreat these people I can feel are in pain. That again is something I've noticed happened. There was this pretty little girl who had a mother who had five children with five different men. She was the oldest daughter of them, and I felt there was some sadness in her. Another thing her girlfriends noticed was that a boy in our class began to harass her. He was also trying to intimidate me, threatenting to punsh my face in, but her he was sexually harassing. It truly upset us all and maybe he felt something under the surface, I don't know. 

What I know that girl killed herself later on in life, but I don't really know. I've known a few doing that and it's not too uncommon, but in my opinion there was a reason for it. There was something wrong with the family they grew up in and it was way worse then I had to put up with. I was not in lethal danger from physical abuse, nore did I have to fear any abuse from nasty guys dating my mother. All in all I had the perfect upbringing on the surface and many envied me so much they even had to make up lies about me to punsh a hole in what they percieved to be my perfect life. However, my life was not perfect and not even particulary wonderful. I was a very lonely child and that was why I played mostly with myself and from that comes my inability to play with others. I've played to long alone and had noone else to talk to. The girl who had no father was my friend awhile, but she had no ability to play the games I wanted to do. She had no imagination and when we played with the dolls she didn't know what the dolls would say, so she forced me to make up everything, including for her dolls. That annoyed me alot as I wanted a playmate who'd do that so the game would be more fun. It was not fun doing it her way as that was like playing on my own. I felt really mean to, not letting her dolls speak her words. 

Perhaps I'm too pushy and made her feel insecure, but that did not add up as I was the whimp of us two. She had loads of friends and she had a winning smile. Everyone seemed to like her and her jokes were hilarious. I had nothing to her and lots of boys adored her, though she was very picky. We did however find suitable partners about at the same time and the guy she ended up with and had children with was with her at my wedding. I think that was very lovely, even if I now hardly remember a thing from that day. To be honest I just think we were very different and despite me thinking we were really good friends she could pick any friend she wanted and I was kind of one of the most dull she knew. I outsmarted her big time at school and most of the things I talked about I'm sure she couldn't care less about. That's how it is with childhood friends, that no matter how much we love them we might not be what they need or want in life. But she and her family did teach me alot and with the thanks of them I found out what was wrong with me in my later teens when I got alot of migrains. My own mother said I did not have migrains and would not help me or listen to me, but my friends mother was a nurse and she knew what she was talking about. Thanks to her I did find something that could ease my pain and help me to cope.

In that way she was my guardian angel and so was that whole family, which is why I've dreamt my whole life that I'm down in their house or outside their house and I want to see them. But they are not there anymore and I can't find them. This dream is always very sad and I realize that I miss them alot, but to them I was just another silly person in their sea of friends. They had alot of friends and I hardly had any, as I'm kind of a nerd and like I said I talk about boring things and I wallow far too long over small details that makes ordinary people quite annoyed. So no wonder I annoy my teenagers! I know I do and I try to avoid them as it's not their job to listen to me going on and on about some YouTube video I saw or some comment I read. I wish however they'd tell me such things, but I do know that you don't in that age. I never spoke to my mother in that age and it took till I was a mother myself and close to 30 before she bothered with me really. I thought that ment that she'd regretted ignoring me most of my upbringing, but I'm not sure that was it. I think it was cause she does not like children, so therefore she ignored most of her children all their upbringing. She however did spoil her second son rotten and she had declared my sister a better human being then me even before she was born. I guess she must be as she's so very like mother. Or atleast in mothers eyes.

As you might had figured out this means that my mother was kind of a typical narcissistic mother who didn't bother with children, and was occupied with avoiding her responsibilies as a mother and a wife. She didn't clean our cloths and alot of the money she got from the state to buy us cloths with she saved up and bought furs for herself with. She didn't make us food and all groceries and meals were always due to our father. She didn't wash the dishes as she insisted that unless father bought us a washing machine she'd never do that, and he refused to buy one. She didn't clean the house more then occasionally whiped the dust from the nice furniture in the better living room, where us children had no access to until we were in our teens. There were alot of things this woman would not do, as it was beneth her. She acted like she was the queen of the castle and father was her servant and right hand who was to do all she demanded. On the surface she didn't look anything but harmless, unless you'd caught one of her evil stares. When she had that evil look in her eyes she scared the crap out of me. I had a nightmare that she was two people living inside of one body, and one was an evil demon. I will never forget that dream. Weird as my best friends family was, her without any real father, she often remarked on how weird mine was.

Lets talk about my gifts above. The two first ones are made using the same tutorial and the third is also totally made from a tutorial. The unicorn gift I took another picture then suggested, but the frame is made with the help of a tutorial. The pretty little angel baby is also from a tutorial, and so is the blond woman with the butterflies. I will stop talking gifts now as I think it's pretty obvious why I've choosen these gifts for this particular site. Fairies and butterflies kind of mix, like spirits of the living earth. I've had a dream about being a fairy once, but that was not too long ago when I was already a very grown up adult. In the dream I could fly, of course, and I flew up and down and around and around, until I by mistake flew into some helicopter wings that clipped my wings right off. So then I had to levitate up to the surface, as that had made me fall into the sea below, and I lifted myself up to the rocks and then I walked inside a hotel and started eating off their fruit bufé. I just knew that I was a fruit fairy and the only times in my life I needed to feed was when I needed to grow new wings. Soon after I'd eaten my fill of the fruit I felt that my new wings came out and I could begin to fly like before. It was an amazing feeling being a fairy and I felt the mischief inside of me. It was nothing malicious atall, but filled with laughter and joy.

It's not easy to describe how the feeling was, but I both wanted to be a little mischievious, and lark around with folks, but at the same time I had this very innocent total love for everyone, like a little child would have who never seen evil in his whole life. There was nothing dark or illwishing in this small person I was, when I was this fairy, but I was all love and joy. In many ways this was how I felt normally when I played around as a child, and then out of the blue other people came along and punished me for made up fairytales. I had only minded my own business, wanted for everyone to have fun and play, and somehow I now and then needed to be spanked on my bare butt according to my mother. That was the only physical punishment I remember from our parents when I was small, and it was far from braking any arms. Also it was done without any signs of anger or any explaination to why it was done. My guess is that it was mothers way of putting a wedge between me and dad as she had him do it. She never did. I also believe she made up a reason to him, so he did it. Otherwise I don't know if I could forgive him, if he hadn't heard a lie and believed it. I think that also explains why he seized to love me after a few years and even began to hate me. Atleast that was what I felt he did, and when he did I started to hate myself.

This is the danger with being a child that you tend to want to love your parents and when they reject you, you feel you are not worth anything any more. Many rejects teenagers as they are not as cute and cuddly anymore, but dad started rejecting me as soon as my baby sister was born. The last summer I felt like he totally still did love me was that summer after she was born. I remember how he taught me to change her dipers and alot of other things. We both loved that baby so much and she was so cute and cuddly it was hard not too. The problem was of course that someone made her believe that she was my responsibility and that's when things went south from there. I believe she in her mind blames me for all things that was not perfect in her upbringing, as she had me by her side up till she was a head taller then me and looked older then me. That's when I moved away from home, even if I kept in contact with her many years to come. It would had been better if she'd had a proper mother and if I could had been free to be a teenager instead of having to act like some half-parent to my sister. It was not like we were a family with ten children, where the mother was too overwhelmed to do all herself. No, our mother was just too lazy and selfish to spend her time being a proper mother to my sister and as soon as she became a teenager she moved in and put toxin into her against me.

That's what I'm sure happened as all of a sudden mother did all sorts of things with my sister. The only time mother travelled anywhere with me was when I turned 20 and I had to be her travelling companion on her trip to the States. First she wanted me to pay for the trip myself, but I think dad helped out and somehow I didn't have to pay for it. I think mother had to pay half and he paid the other half or something. It was all mothers idea to go and she was the one not wanting to go alone, and if you are alone and want to go travel people actually pay others to go with them as "travel companions", so why not? I was only 19 when we flew off and I turned 20 during the trip. There were no party planned, of course, as I've never had a birthday party in my life. Atleast not that I can remember, and I even have memories of me contemplating this issue as a young person, so I think that is correct that I never did. As I remember it only our spoiled brother had birthday parties. I think it should had been my birthday party to go to the States without paying, but it took alot of negotiation before my parents finally came to a conclution. They sure knew how to make you feel special and wanted - not. 

When my sister was only 12 years old mother started taking her on trips. She took her on loads of trips through the years, and I'm sure they never discussed who would pay for her. Not even when she got older, as they were divorcing when she turned 20 and then could fight over who spoiled her the most, like divorcees do. Since she was so much younger I never thought anything about all the trips and travelling she could do with her parents, and mostly her mother. It never entered my mind as I've never questioned anything really, but only noticing it and contemplating over the fate some people have and the fate of others. It's always been a weird fact to me that some people are just born to be admired and more right and precious then others, while some people were born to be ridiculed and talked down to. Many things I started to question in my teen years, but most of the things took my whole adult life to begin to dispute their authenticy of. Now I can't see why one person is right no matter if he's wrong, and another is wrong no matter that all the evidence clearly shows he's right. I just can't ignore this anymore that this is what is going on all over the place and it's so very wrong. Did people lie this much all my life, or has it gotten far worse?

It becomes more and more clear that there is a huge discrepency in humans ability to understand their lives and others communication. The base for a lot of this lack seem to be this very unequality, that the words and sentenses don't get interpreted correctly as there is some hostile filter in people's minds that stops them from truly analyzing the true intent with what is said. At the same time some seem to be highly equiped to uncover the animosity and aggression the more primitive of humans so easily put into their words. Many that do that have a natural leaning towards trying to smooth things over, back away to stop the aggressor from gaining more anger, and by doing that more or less backing away and letting the bully take over. This act is not really done due to cowardness, but a hope to bring peace and understanding. People like this seem to think that the aggressive person only needs to calm down and see sense, so lets not aggrivate him further. They will then also demand that whoever seem to aggrevate this angry person should back away. This is one of the greatest tricks the predator mind has pulled on humanity, as when you tell the rightful person to back away from his rightful claims, so not to annoy the unrightful and very aggressive predator, the predator wins the game. He will not calm down and the end result is always that justice looses.

This happens wherever you see aggression that is out of proportion and someone trying to stand up for their own rights, but gets sidetracked by someone that uses no logic reasoning that makes any sense, lots of unproven accusations, demeaning words about the other. Many are even enchanted by these aggressive people who will swiftly change from honey and smooth talking to others and into a demeaning and aggressive attitude against their target. This makes others, of weaker constitution, immediately prone to lick the shoes of the predators and help them bully and put down their opposers. So all in all there is almost different spieces on this planet, and even inside families. Some have kindness, empathy, low demands, gratitude, a feeling of responsibility to aid others in their wellbeing, while others are only out to get what they want, they need and fuck the rest. On the surface outsiders seem to get easily confused who's who and many seem to believe that the opposite is true about peoples true natures. I've seen this myself so I was not too shocked to find out that predators borrow the coat of the nice and kind little sheep in the flock and uses this one as their scapegoat. Someone to take the fall for all the bad things the wolf under cover actually does.

In a perfect world, where there is truly goodness, kindness and honest caring people you would need to be able to see through all such charades. There would not be any posibility to lie, to deceive, to harm in this very cruel and brutal way. It's this turning of tables, of harming the innocent and glorifying and assisting the true perpetrator, that has caused our world to drift so very far from the heavenly paradise this could have been like. The more evil we let in among us and accept and wont see through, the more death and destruction do we create. Deserts came only a few thousands years ago, so what paradise did we have before the dawn of this era? There is a great posibility we once lived in a paradise and that we through our own naivity let evil in and ever since then our world has been slowly dying. If it's gone too far already or if there is someway to turn things around might be a big question, but so far I've only witnessed the intent to bring on total inhaliation of our present culture and a huge part of the population. You can see this in what they are predictively programming us with through their mediums - their hypnotizists and magicians. What else purpose did you think media had, but to program us into believing and constructing the world those supporting the making of the media has.

There are realms filled with colours so radiant and so vibrant were the air itself seems filled with vitality and love is litterary in the air. It's such joyous places and you laugh and have fun, just like the place were the little fairy lived. And then there are dark and cold places where no colours live at all and all is grey and dull. Even the minds of men are dark and sadness rests in everyones heart. This planet has more and more become this latter kind of place, where so much sadness is encouraged to rule. But this planet was not intended to be such a place so despite the most dark and evil of actions it's like the little fairy of joy seeps through and bring laughter into the hearts of children. It's the spirit of this earth that seeps through and wish her children to re-joyce while they are here alive on her. Earth has given us so much we should be happy about, but nowdays some power is working overtime to shut all that down and the only scare that someone like me could have is that this attempt would succeed. The key to the soloution lies straight in the hands and hearts of mankind themselves, as if they wish to stay on this planet they must live like she wants us to do, or we will not be able to stay here much longer.

When people are cruel and heartless and have no empathy, no love, no care and can do horrible things to their kin without any regret, then these people don't belong here. That's the first message I got, that this kind of person must go as there is no place for such thinking. Only people who care and help out and love each other belongs here. You know who you are by how you react to others and how you wish to help others. When you meet nasty people who lie about others, about you, and are hostile and make stories up to paint others as villains and monsters out of their own foul minds, you know which kind of paranoid people this planet does not want to have here. These people like to murder what is alive, for no particular reason, and they don't look after things so they bloom and thrive, but they let things go if there is no money to gain from keeping it pretty. They only do things to gain themselves and not ever for the purpose of keeping things nice and good for everyone and so it will keep to the future and thrive and grow and build for future generations. These people are only in it for it now, for themselves, and they want the benifits to be reaped while they are alive, and screw the future.

These are the people helping to ravish this planet with wars, weather manipulations and drought and starvation and using horrible methods of mining that cracks the earth, putting radiations in our seas, atmosphere, poluting and destroying everything, on land, in sea and in the air. I could go on and on about what they do just to earn more money. They are horders of money and wealth and they don't care what harm what they are doing to this planet will cause all life living here, only if they can hord a little more. To aid them in this mission they've gathered alot of people who only wish to make a living, while sacrificing their childrens future. It's the shortterm thinking the thick and stupid have, which is a big problem here that this planet is filled with stupid people. Even alot of really nice people are stupid, but somehow nice makes people less stupid. A nasty person might score higher on a IQ test then a nice person, but somehow it's like the niceness add so much intelligence to the mix, that the IQ test not might pick up. There is of course other tests, but the greatest test is if you are a good person or not. Do you lie to gain scraps from your kin or are you an honest person to them and share equally and fair? 

The pure souls and hearts will see that unfairness is not a good thing, while people that have let darkness into them will believe that some should have much more then others, for no reason then them being alive. That's how easy it is to judge who's a good person and who's not. So simple as that. I've made a few more gifts here as you can see and two fairies I used a tutorial to make the green and turquoise frame, just like the little birds on a blooming cherry bransch, and the fountain in the park. All given frames I made using tutorials. The lady on the beach is a tutorial and so is the one above here, though I added the bottom part to write on. The little cute fairy tag below is also a tutorial. There is another thing that lures us here on this world right now, which makes it so hard to actually judge what others truly are. It's that too many has lost their ability to see into anothers heart anymore. That's why the enchanters now has all the power and the honest and caring people are punshed in the face by others, that truly believe they hit the bad guy. It's cause the truly bad guys hide behind these masks, these fake perfect images, and people adore them as if they were wiser, better, more deserving. I think that's why they let us know after some of them have died, that their true nature was vile and cruel, so to make the enchanted wake up and start to watch behind the surface.

Queen Angelica - Fairyaland Poetry