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lördag 30 maj 2015

Hope



Without hope you just don't feel like living anymore. Once upon a time I was a young little thing, and I felt there was no future for me. How come I've come to feel that way was thanks to evil. People working with evil to crush my spirit made me feel this way. But there are greater powers at work in here that do not want their goal to be achieved, so something changed everything. For me it was something so small I'm sure most would not even have noticed. But to me it changed everything. It was the words of a stranger, but yet a relative. A young boy of my same age told me I was just as good as any other girl. He didn't tell me I was awesome, special or the most beautiful he'd seen, but just that I was normal, and that changed all for me. Normal girls have boyfriends, fall in love, marry, have children - all things that up till that moment had been out of range for me. Evil make you feel rotten, unworthy, having no future, so that was how I've come to look upon myself. 

In my life evil came with my mother and continued with others, that seemed to pick up the signs of my wounded soul and wanted a piece of it to shew on, just like evil people do. Evil people are not connected to source, so they feed off others that are. I'm definitely connected as I even remember me being there, leaving for this weird, blue place. But I had no idea there was so little love here, so much cruelty, so little compassion and so much meaness. If you are lacking connection with source you need alot of attention, alot of confirmation how splendid you are, so I'm sure that those little words that ment so much to me would not had ment anything to such a being. I've seen with my own eyes how envious such a being becomes when another person, like myself, gets the slightest attention, while they themselves can never get enough. That's why they feel such envy, as they are always craving, hungry and needy. 


Narcissists are such beings and they are always jealous of others, pushing others out of focus and putting themselves in the middle. Such people would had craved to hear that they were the most precious ones, the prettiest, and would had shrug their shoulders in indifference over those words, that to me changed the whole world. To me they were magical and after that I saw how a rainbow of colours changed the once so dull and grey world into a palette of posibilities. There is no future without hope, and to know you are normal gives hope that you will be able to fall in love, have a life with another, get children and be someone that others would speak to. Imagine if people would like me, and even talk to me! That had all been impossible dreams up till that moment, but after this time I had hope. I hoped that there were people in this world that could actually even love me. Perhaps someone could, if not many, but someone.

To me, now as a granny, it's sad to remember how I felt when I was a teenager. How lost, lonely and hurt. And as a granny and mother I know who's fault that was, as just a few kind words from a stranger could change everything, it sure as heck was not my own fault. I was not greedy, needy, craving or hungry for attention from others. I was shy, inverted and most of all I'd lost all hope, since everyone disliked me. I was unworthy and unloved. And it was not by my own choice and it was not something I was born with, but something this world had given me. This world was my family and school at that time, and when school went wrong my family was nowhere to find. They did not comfort me, support me, cheer me on. When I truly needed a mother she was not there. Now I need her as much as a red rash in my arse, but I still miss having a mother that cares and loves my children, like I love my little grandson. 


I've spoken to so many people now that grieve their loss of a dear and kind mother, someone that ment the world to them, and all I can feel is sadness, cause I will never grieve that, but only the dream of having such a mother. I can never grieve what I never had, only the dream that was never true. Most of all I can learn from what I've lived and be the mother I never had. I can be kind and helpful, and supportive and loving. I can be so much she never was, since she was only in this life for her own benifite and nobody elses. She might had pretended to be kind, to be a good christian, and she might once had bragged she'd evolve into an angel, when she died, and come and guard us. But she was more often spiteful, making snidy remarks, ignoring, laughing when you got hurt, and yawning when you spoke of your own issues. To imagine that such a selfish person would evolve into a guardian angel is hilarious. 

She rarely came when she could and was in her body, so why would she when she is a spirit and can go wherever she wishes? She only said once she would become an angel and come and protect us, and after that she's stopped hanging in the church and instead started to hang with young boys. After that she had no interest in even coming and visit my oldest daughter, despite all her efforts to connect with her. Instead of building on that relationship she hurt my daughter and insulted her in the same way she's insulted so many others. By belittling them, marginalising them, and straight out telling them that they were nothing. That's her superpower, to make people feel invisible and unworthy, like they were null and nothing. So she told my daughter she'd changed her mind, since she knew no-one where my daugher lived at that time, so she would not move there after all. She's said that to many else, whom she likes to belittle, that she does not know them, that they are not enough reason for her to move there. 


She also told my daughter she could not come and visit her, since she had more important things to do. Which was to visit a total stranger, another young student, but not a grandchild of hers. Just a stranger she'd met on the net, who my daugher was told was more important then her. No wonder I grew up feeling like nothing! This is my monster mother stealing your life force from you, which you've recieved from the source itself. My mother who's been complaining so many times she feels like a demon is stalking her. My mother who's been said to behave like possessed by a demon, by her own older relatives. My mother who I dreamt was two people when I was a child, one demon and one human. So no wonder I felt like nothing. Having a monster of a mother, where the monster isn't hiding under the bed, but inside the person you should be able to trust, will make anyone grow up with a very tense feeling. And it drains you, takes away your selfworth.

The treatment that is not so obvious has been named "ambient abuse" and many like to put this gaslighting shit there too. Gaslighting, crazy making, denying reality, ignoring your experiences, all that are ambient abuse. The one hurting me most as I grew up was strangely enough not my mother, as like I said she had a human side, that sometimes came out and then I could imagine she cared for me a little bit. Someone who never listened to me and who still today has no idea who I am, is the brother I spent most time with growing up. He was perhaps not quite so selfcentered and coldhearted when he was younger, but the older he got, the crueler he became. I blame mother for that, as she enjoyed seeing him hurt his siblings. That seemed to bring her great joy. Abuse by proxy? That is also a form of abuse, rewarding a child for bullying his siblings. I think that at that time he deep down knew it was wrong, but his need for mother's love and approval made him still do it. After that he's needed to convince himself that we deserved it, so he also became a full fledge narcissist. In my opinion.



I would straight out say that this kind of sneaky abuse directed towards some innocent person that loves you, trusts you, are ment to take away your hope. Without any hope we whither away and die. Hopelessness cause depression and that is a state of being that makes you loose alot of energy to others. You can litterary be fed upon by these people infested with the parasites that are called "demons". Which is the very reason that it's done, to make you depressed and a good food source. Then you die, of course. Most people that are under this kind of abuse meet their maker sooner then they would had under normal circumstanses, in my opinion. The stress, the loss of hope and the utter pointlessness of even trying anymore will put it's mark on you physichally. Which reminds me of my mother's favorite theory, how mental problems manifested in physichal illness. 

Well, she should know that as she was bullying others so much. She must had seen it with her own eyes at work, when her patients killed themselves as all in their lives sucked. Who knows what she based this on, but it's a freaking miracle she's still alive, when our father isn't. In my opinion, again, she drained the life force right out from him whenever she had a minute over. She used the divorce to torment him with as much as possible, trying to take away the most precious thing he'd been working for decades to achieve. She then went on to torment him on every family gathering, and between, using him like a free motel as it pleased her. If he said she could not stay over, she just bullied her way into his sister's house next door. So she could come down to father and intrude on him as she pleased. 


Whenever she was talking about this matter, how mental problems would eventually show physichally, she was almost always talking about father. I so regret never listening properly to her, but she just ranted on about this and it was a total drag, when you are yourself in your early twenties. I think she ment that his actually physical problems, that I at the time had hardly any idea about, was due to mental issues he'd ignored. That is how I interpretaded her rantings, and it also seemed like she wanted to cover up the reality about his real problems, by blaming them on some mental issue. This minimizing and belittling of others health issues are actually very typical of a narcissist. She's done it to me a few times too, ignored warning signs so my very life could had been in danger, or just refusing to tell others what actually had happened to me, making it out like nothing. 

That was what she did with father all the time, ridiculing and belittling anything about his health. If he passed out at the dentist, perhaps due to some allergic reaction as he had a few allergies already, she'd make it out like he was some silly little girl getting scared and passing out. Remember, my dad once blow his thumb off when in the military and they had to sew it back on again. They wanted to take if away, but he conned them that he did have feelings in the thumb, so they let him keep it. Does that sound like a little scared school girl to you? Someone having the nerves to stay focused and lie under such distress. I'd call that one of the good lies, as he needed that thumb. However, also this story mother is ridiculing, making it out he was so dumb he would not through away the granade at time, so it blew up in his hand. The real truth about this I don't remember, only mother's tale.


The feeling such constant belittlement, ridicule and scorn gives the reciever will ware you out eventually, so in a weird way she was right that father might not had been totally well mentally after spending so many years with such a bitch. And after a few more years he got high blood pressure, and it strained his heart. So he died at age 83, and had a severe heart attack when he was 75. Mother however seems to live on without ever caring one bit to be healthy. Father he was exercising, played tennis and he used to work with physical chores, building houses for a hobby and always doing things. Mother lay in the sofa, sighing. Fat, lazy and eventually with useless feet, as she was too huge for them to carry. That was when the doctor told her to loose weight, and she sure did not like that. But now she'll become 84 and she's still around to pesture my life when it pleases her. I've tried for two years to shut her out of it, and told her to keep away, but she's like one of those parasites that stick on you and wont let go.

If she really had wanted me in her life, for my sake, she'd not done what she'd done. She would had replied to my mail the 21st of May 2013, and said that she truly did not believe I was a liar. But she refused to do that, and instead promised to testify that I was. If she'd truly cared for me she'd not sided with those threatening me with the police for speaking the truth and calling me mentally ill. She should not had spread out to people that I was, based on my sister's rotten lies, and she should not had lied about my husband, when he came to my rescue and told her she was treating me badly when she agreed with my bullies. A person has the right to live without such constant harassment, lies, marginalizing and put downs. I am a human being and I know what I know. And also, I had a witness who was there, seeing the same thing I did. So why did this wonderful mother believe the one who says we are wrong? Cause she is not a wonderful mother at all. She's a bitch.



These latest events are only a little piece of all the abuse and lies and gaslighting and shit these people have pulled all through my life. If you are forced to live under this constant tension, that what really happened can and will be changed any minute, it's draining. You will question yourself all the time, not trusting any of your own judgements, and never be able to believe anything you want and care for have any value what so ever. What this kind of constant abuse does to you is to take away your humanity from you and make you into an empty shell. The true human being sits deep inside and cries, dreaming of coming out one day. I could possibly not live that way and I really felt like there was nothing more to live for, when that time occured when the good force in our Universe let a young boy tell me that I was just as much worth as any other girl. 

It's said that such evil cows like my mother and also her pet children, do these things due to some own feelings of insecurity. So they steal others worth from them and put that worth upon themselves. Like they now were all the good things the robbed person once was. It's easy to spot that the confidence is a mask, and not really real. It's like a professional persona, they put on to impress people. It's not them. They do this to make others believe they are perfect. Actually, they only need others to believe they are to convince themselves they are. That's why they never can allow themselves to be wrong. Also, to a narcissist everything is voteable. Truth is what they make most people believe. Lies are anything that does not fit their agenda. If what they want is not right or just, they will justify it to be right and just. They need to be right and they need to be better then others.



So that is the very essence of the need for one of their food sources to go no contact with these bastards. A good person like myself, who's been shamed, blamed, belittled, ignored and much more my whole life by the very people that ought to have loved me, adored me, cared for me, has a right to be left alone and to take care of herself. I am just as much worth as anybody else, and nobody deserves this treatment. Nobody deserves to have a sister who lies about her, after doing so much for her when she grew up. Things that was not my responsibility to do, but I did it out of love. What that bitch has done is unforgiveable, as she did it on purpose and she knows she's lying about me. Mother totally knows that too, and my guess is that so does the brother who already as a child would harm, hurt and ridicule anyone of his siblings, just to get some form of appreciation from his mother. He knows that mother wants him to vote for the lying sister, so he's voting that she's telling the truth. Well, good for him. 

I don't need liars in my life, and I most certainly don't need this kind of evilness in my life. I am just as much worth as anyone else, and you have no right to put me down, lie about me, shame me when I've done nothing wrong. You have no right to frame me for what you, yourself, have done. My sister looked through all the papers in father's house after he died, and I did nothing. She took the house agreement and hid it away for more inspection, after making sure I had seen it and read it. She did it and I had nothing to do with it. Mother knows this, as she was there when it was found, says my sister and in that I do feel I possibly could trust. I don't hold it against the evil cow that she helped my sister set me up, and that she's known all the time I read the real agreement, and that's the reason she's playing dumb as a goose, not understanding any explainations we give her. Remember that lies are what a narcissist don't want to be real, so she want my sister to have that house, and she does not care for the truth, hence the cruel ignoring of me and reality.


And the same goes for the narcissistic brother. He wants reality to be what he wanted from the start, so he does not care that his youngest sister, and his mother, are both lying through their teeth about his closest sister, whom he grew up with. He does not care about it as he's felt all these years it was wrong of father to have given a house to this young girl, but since he wanted to be accepted and appreciated by his parents, he kept his gob shut. But he needs this fantasy to be real now, as he's been so envious for so long, making father build a outhouse for him to compensate him for not getting the house himself. So when he hears that his little sister never ever got the house, that means that he neither has gotten any. And he can't accept that so he goes on and on about how he has the same agreement as this sister. It's so freaking important to him that he has the same agreement. Only, hers were NOT legally binding, and since it's missing it's null and void anyway. Where is his agreement then, if his tales are true. Nowhere to be found as all he ever had was a rent agreement.

Lies, lies, lies, to make the fantasy real. That is the modus operandi by the malignant narcissists and they do love to torment and pesture their choosen food supply for as long as they are alive. I so wish they weren't though, so they'd leave me alone. It's come to this that I wish they'd just seized to exist so I could keep on living in peace and quite. I don't want them hoovering over me, pretending that nothing of all this shit has happened, like mother does, the crazy old cow. And I don't want any more lies, insults and outrageous claims by the narcissistic brother. I neither want any more feedback from the lying bitch of a sister, where she pretends that she's a professional and that we all need her so much. I need her like I need a tick in my arse. She has nothing of value to offer me at this stage, as all she is is a phony liar. She knows she is, but her only fear is that more people will find out that I'm right about her. So she keeps her smear about me going, tries to make everyone she meets believe her lies. 


She seems to have been at this for many decades, as already her first husband hated me for unknown reasons. To hurt her after she'd had an affair behind his back he started flirting with other women, and on their wedding he flirted with me. That must had been his desperate attempt to make her react, as he knew how much she hated me. I didn't at the time, but I've begun to realize that her diary was telling the truth about her true feelings for me. If I'd known that as a young teen I'd not spent one second with that selfish, evil little mini-cow. That is what I regret the most in my life - every minute I've spent with either of these evil bastards. They sucked my selfesteem from me piece by piece, and even if some random words by strangers and new friends might had lifted me up for awhile, I'd soon be put down again after spending time with these sneaky abusers. They are foul beings from the underworld, in my opinion, and I am now truly looking forward to a life without them. 

I realized that you don't have to wait for people to die, you just behave like they did and ignore them. They've ignored me so much so why should I even feel guilty for ignoring them? If that is what someone thinks, that is just plain cruel and also quite evil to think. People that don't know shit are the first to judge and as soon as I hear unfounded judgement from people I know now I'm dealing with a narcissist bully. As soon as such a person had struck you with his or her insults that person will attempt to make you into being the bully, and themselves into the victims. They do that by dragging up some really horrible tale and make you look really bad. That is one way of diverting away from the issue that narcissists like to use, and the other is to just ignore anything about the question and focus all attention on something else. Either way you will end up as being an abuser and the narcissist as the victim. That is how they play it and that is how they lure you back - through your empathy. Back to be fed upon, again and again. No thank you, assholes. I rather stay were the hope is - far, far away from you all!

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry