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måndag 23 mars 2015

Your Faery Heaven

This is my sixth blue site and it's like you can read about faeries, but it's also about what we call heaven, and about happiness. That's why this site is filled with merry little fairies and small, cute childangels. I don't think any other kind of pictures could symbolize joy more then pictures of children. It's a very innocent site and there is not much more to tell about it as it's a visual site. There are plenty of graphics of all sorts there I've made during many years working with my websites. This site has evolved from an older site, which I still have a copy of on my Queen site. I redid it totally and moved the old site away, so I will not link to the old one here. If you wish to go to this site, just go here - Your Faery Heaven. All my blue sites are linked up to a green site, and this one I've linked to my youngest daughter's, which I feel is a good choice as she's a sweet, happy young thing. If only she did not have to go to school. I too wish she didn't have to, as it's a terrible thing those schools. However I like our schools far better then many I've heard about and her school is very nice. There is nothing really bad about the school, apart from the wireless internet, which is everywhere in town. I'm glad we don't live in the town, but on the country side.

When I made this site I also thought about all the lost little children, as there are so many who had a child or almost had a child and then lost them. The worst possible thing I could imagine ever would happen is to have a child, and then the beautiful creation is ripped from your arms and you cannot hold them again, not see them grow up, know what they would become, share their lives with them and watch them fall in love, marry even and maybe one day too become a parent. That is the reason your children is so precious and you should guard yourself from pushing away anyone, as you wish to have them with you for as long as you live. It's crazy to think that so many parents actually do that and loose their children on purpose, when others could had given anything to have them still alive. Children are predisposed to care and love their parents so you have to work hard to make them leave you for ever. Sometimes however I think some children can find their parents too much in their teen years, and try to avoid them, and if so I think we should let them, even if it feels very sad and you might even feel deeply hurt and rejected by your child. Remember that it's not about you and sometimes having a very talkative parent who likes to discuss very boring subjects is just not what the young person wants.
I know this is so but it still is very sad that it's how it is. We are different and while some are talkative and very good at standing their ground and tell what they think, others are not. That's when you sit there like a prat and talk to yourself, if you know what I mean. If you have a very silent child you do know what I mean. Perhaps you've read something, heard something and you want to talk about it with someone and see what they think about it, but it's a very bad idea to choose to talk to a very silent teen, who only feel like you are totally ignoring them and totally up in your own world. I know as I've done that about a trillion times, but that's how I am and I don't know how to change. I want to talk, I want to communicate my thoughts and feelings, so to me it's very hard to be with people who are very secretive and refuse to share anything. It almosts angers me, and I don't like to feel that way. I like when feelings are very open and we are connected to each other, but I think that we just don't click so easily with everyone. Some people just don't like us that much. Or perhaps it's just that they don't know what to say or what to do when you are treating them like someone you can talk to about subjects you are interested in. That since they are not interested in those subjects, most likely, and don't want to be rude, while actually not at all interested. 

When people hear about children who have rejected their parents and wont socialize with them I think many believe it's due to silly little matters like the one I just mentioned. The parents are boring and talk about the same shit all the time, so the child can't be bothered as they are selfish and don't appreciate the sacrifices the parents had to make. Something of that order is what I believe such people imagine is the reason why someone would be so cruel to their poor parents. That's the general idea that I saw on TV when I was young and the only reason ever made for people turning their backs on their parents. Eventually I found out about what horrible things that could happen inside families, much worse then I've lived through as a child. I heard that there could be severe physical abuse, where a father would brake his own sons arm. It happened to a friend of mine, and after that his mother left their father. She was pregnant at the time and the daughter that she had didn't see her father until on his death bed. She was a very good friend of mine, the one I loved the most of all my friends, and it was hard to fantome how it must had felt to grow up like that. Their mother had swiftly remarried another guy and had a new baby girl almost immediately. What I know there was no abuse in the new family their mother fixed for them, and I do hope they still care for each other as it was a lovely family. 
The reasons a woman would marry a man that could do such a thing to a child is something that one might ponder upon. She was a very lovely lady and easy to talk to and I liked her alot, so she told me the story about how she'd been swept away by his intense charm and that he'd been the perfect gentleman up till they got married. As soon as that happened everything changed, like flipping a coin. When looking back at her incredible story of this charming and handsome man, that was so cruel and violent, it's clear he was some kind of narcissist or psychopath. She told me many other things, but it all fits. How she fell in love with him, how totally insanely in love she was, and the hurt and shock when he totally changed his personality once they were married. Such people tend to honeymoon you and then use tactics to brake you in and make you more easy to handle. She was a very strong woman with an incredible charisma, so if someone wanted soul energy she was the perfect target. It took two children and a third pregnancy before she left so alot of things must had happened during all that time. In my calculation it took her atleast three years before she had enough of him after he started to do his dr Jekyll and mr Hyde routine, going back and forth with her. Why I mention this is cause this was the first time I heard of anyone harming a child so very brutally as that father did.

Later on I heard that other people also sexually abused children and thinking back I then realized that I might had known such victims and then I understood all the pain I felt from them. At the time it only confused me, as I'm a sensitive and I feel what others around me are feeling. It's like this. I feel their feelings, but I don't really know why they feel it, only that it's there. When I avoid that person I don't feel the pain, so I know it's the other persons pain and not mine. Of course the result might be that people avoid a hurting person, which they actually do. People suffering alot is not easy to be around, when they wont talk about their issues. It's confusing and it's very depressing, so hence many avoid them. I don't blame people that do, but I get very upset and angry with people who try to use and mistreat these people I can feel are in pain. That again is something I've noticed happened. There was this pretty little girl who had a mother who had five children with five different men. She was the oldest daughter of them, and I felt there was some sadness in her. Another thing her girlfriends noticed was that a boy in our class began to harass her. He was also trying to intimidate me, threatenting to punsh my face in, but her he was sexually harassing. It truly upset us all and maybe he felt something under the surface, I don't know. 
What I know that girl killed herself later on in life, but I don't really know. I've known a few doing that and it's not too uncommon, but in my opinion there was a reason for it. There was something wrong with the family they grew up in and it was way worse then I had to put up with. I was not in lethal danger from physical abuse, nore did I have to fear any abuse from nasty guys dating my mother. All in all I had the perfect upbringing on the surface and many envied me so much they even had to make up lies about me to punsh a hole in what they percieved to be my perfect life. However, my life was not perfect and not even particulary wonderful. I was a very lonely child and that was why I played mostly with myself and from that comes my inability to play with others. I've played to long alone and had noone else to talk to. The girl who had no father was my friend awhile, but she had no ability to play the games I wanted to do. She had no imagination and when we played with the dolls she didn't know what the dolls would say, so she forced me to make up everything, including for her dolls. That annoyed me alot as I wanted a playmate who'd do that so the game would be more fun. It was not fun doing it her way as that was like playing on my own. I felt really mean to, not letting her dolls speak her words. 

Perhaps I'm too pushy and made her feel insecure, but that did not add up as I was the whimp of us two. She had loads of friends and she had a winning smile. Everyone seemed to like her and her jokes were hilarious. I had nothing to her and lots of boys adored her, though she was very picky. We did however find suitable partners about at the same time and the guy she ended up with and had children with was with her at my wedding. I think that was very lovely, even if I now hardly remember a thing from that day. To be honest I just think we were very different and despite me thinking we were really good friends she could pick any friend she wanted and I was kind of one of the most dull she knew. I outsmarted her big time at school and most of the things I talked about I'm sure she couldn't care less about. That's how it is with childhood friends, that no matter how much we love them we might not be what they need or want in life. But she and her family did teach me alot and with the thanks of them I found out what was wrong with me in my later teens when I got alot of migrains. My own mother said I did not have migrains and would not help me or listen to me, but my friends mother was a nurse and she knew what she was talking about. Thanks to her I did find something that could ease my pain and help me to cope.
In that way she was my guardian angel and so was that whole family, which is why I've dreamt my whole life that I'm down in their house or outside their house and I want to see them. But they are not there anymore and I can't find them. This dream is always very sad and I realize that I miss them alot, but to them I was just another silly person in their sea of friends. They had alot of friends and I hardly had any, as I'm kind of a nerd and like I said I talk about boring things and I wallow far too long over small details that makes ordinary people quite annoyed. So no wonder I annoy my teenagers! I know I do and I try to avoid them as it's not their job to listen to me going on and on about some YouTube video I saw or some comment I read. I wish however they'd tell me such things, but I do know that you don't in that age. I never spoke to my mother in that age and it took till I was a mother myself and close to 30 before she bothered with me really. I thought that ment that she'd regretted ignoring me most of my upbringing, but I'm not sure that was it. I think it was cause she does not like children, so therefore she ignored most of her children all their upbringing. She however did spoil her second son rotten and she had declared my sister a better human being then me even before she was born. I guess she must be as she's so very like mother. Or atleast in mothers eyes.

As you might had figured out this means that my mother was kind of a typical narcissistic mother who didn't bother with children, and was occupied with avoiding her responsibilies as a mother and a wife. She didn't clean our cloths and alot of the money she got from the state to buy us cloths with she saved up and bought furs for herself with. She didn't make us food and all groceries and meals were always due to our father. She didn't wash the dishes as she insisted that unless father bought us a washing machine she'd never do that, and he refused to buy one. She didn't clean the house more then occasionally whiped the dust from the nice furniture in the better living room, where us children had no access to until we were in our teens. There were alot of things this woman would not do, as it was beneth her. She acted like she was the queen of the castle and father was her servant and right hand who was to do all she demanded. On the surface she didn't look anything but harmless, unless you'd caught one of her evil stares. When she had that evil look in her eyes she scared the crap out of me. I had a nightmare that she was two people living inside of one body, and one was an evil demon. I will never forget that dream. Weird as my best friends family was, her without any real father, she often remarked on how weird mine was.
Lets talk about my gifts above. The two first ones are made using the same tutorial and the third is also totally made from a tutorial. The unicorn gift I took another picture then suggested, but the frame is made with the help of a tutorial. The pretty little angel baby is also from a tutorial, and so is the blond woman with the butterflies. I will stop talking gifts now as I think it's pretty obvious why I've choosen these gifts for this particular site. Fairies and butterflies kind of mix, like spirits of the living earth. I've had a dream about being a fairy once, but that was not too long ago when I was already a very grown up adult. In the dream I could fly, of course, and I flew up and down and around and around, until I by mistake flew into some helicopter wings that clipped my wings right off. So then I had to levitate up to the surface, as that had made me fall into the sea below, and I lifted myself up to the rocks and then I walked inside a hotel and started eating off their fruit bufé. I just knew that I was a fruit fairy and the only times in my life I needed to feed was when I needed to grow new wings. Soon after I'd eaten my fill of the fruit I felt that my new wings came out and I could begin to fly like before. It was an amazing feeling being a fairy and I felt the mischief inside of me. It was nothing malicious atall, but filled with laughter and joy.

It's not easy to describe how the feeling was, but I both wanted to be a little mischievious, and lark around with folks, but at the same time I had this very innocent total love for everyone, like a little child would have who never seen evil in his whole life. There was nothing dark or illwishing in this small person I was, when I was this fairy, but I was all love and joy. In many ways this was how I felt normally when I played around as a child, and then out of the blue other people came along and punished me for made up fairytales. I had only minded my own business, wanted for everyone to have fun and play, and somehow I now and then needed to be spanked on my bare butt according to my mother. That was the only physical punishment I remember from our parents when I was small, and it was far from braking any arms. Also it was done without any signs of anger or any explaination to why it was done. My guess is that it was mothers way of putting a wedge between me and dad as she had him do it. She never did. I also believe she made up a reason to him, so he did it. Otherwise I don't know if I could forgive him, if he hadn't heard a lie and believed it. I think that also explains why he seized to love me after a few years and even began to hate me. Atleast that was what I felt he did, and when he did I started to hate myself.
This is the danger with being a child that you tend to want to love your parents and when they reject you, you feel you are not worth anything any more. Many rejects teenagers as they are not as cute and cuddly anymore, but dad started rejecting me as soon as my baby sister was born. The last summer I felt like he totally still did love me was that summer after she was born. I remember how he taught me to change her dipers and alot of other things. We both loved that baby so much and she was so cute and cuddly it was hard not too. The problem was of course that someone made her believe that she was my responsibility and that's when things went south from there. I believe she in her mind blames me for all things that was not perfect in her upbringing, as she had me by her side up till she was a head taller then me and looked older then me. That's when I moved away from home, even if I kept in contact with her many years to come. It would had been better if she'd had a proper mother and if I could had been free to be a teenager instead of having to act like some half-parent to my sister. It was not like we were a family with ten children, where the mother was too overwhelmed to do all herself. No, our mother was just too lazy and selfish to spend her time being a proper mother to my sister and as soon as she became a teenager she moved in and put toxin into her against me.

That's what I'm sure happened as all of a sudden mother did all sorts of things with my sister. The only time mother travelled anywhere with me was when I turned 20 and I had to be her travelling companion on her trip to the States. First she wanted me to pay for the trip myself, but I think dad helped out and somehow I didn't have to pay for it. I think mother had to pay half and he paid the other half or something. It was all mothers idea to go and she was the one not wanting to go alone, and if you are alone and want to go travel people actually pay others to go with them as "travel companions", so why not? I was only 19 when we flew off and I turned 20 during the trip. There were no party planned, of course, as I've never had a birthday party in my life. Atleast not that I can remember, and I even have memories of me contemplating this issue as a young person, so I think that is correct that I never did. As I remember it only our spoiled brother had birthday parties. I think it should had been my birthday party to go to the States without paying, but it took alot of negotiation before my parents finally came to a conclution. They sure knew how to make you feel special and wanted - not. 
When my sister was only 12 years old mother started taking her on trips. She took her on loads of trips through the years, and I'm sure they never discussed who would pay for her. Not even when she got older, as they were divorcing when she turned 20 and then could fight over who spoiled her the most, like divorcees do. Since she was so much younger I never thought anything about all the trips and travelling she could do with her parents, and mostly her mother. It never entered my mind as I've never questioned anything really, but only noticing it and contemplating over the fate some people have and the fate of others. It's always been a weird fact to me that some people are just born to be admired and more right and precious then others, while some people were born to be ridiculed and talked down to. Many things I started to question in my teen years, but most of the things took my whole adult life to begin to dispute their authenticy of. Now I can't see why one person is right no matter if he's wrong, and another is wrong no matter that all the evidence clearly shows he's right. I just can't ignore this anymore that this is what is going on all over the place and it's so very wrong. Did people lie this much all my life, or has it gotten far worse?

It becomes more and more clear that there is a huge discrepency in humans ability to understand their lives and others communication. The base for a lot of this lack seem to be this very unequality, that the words and sentenses don't get interpreted correctly as there is some hostile filter in people's minds that stops them from truly analyzing the true intent with what is said. At the same time some seem to be highly equiped to uncover the animosity and aggression the more primitive of humans so easily put into their words. Many that do that have a natural leaning towards trying to smooth things over, back away to stop the aggressor from gaining more anger, and by doing that more or less backing away and letting the bully take over. This act is not really done due to cowardness, but a hope to bring peace and understanding. People like this seem to think that the aggressive person only needs to calm down and see sense, so lets not aggrivate him further. They will then also demand that whoever seem to aggrevate this angry person should back away. This is one of the greatest tricks the predator mind has pulled on humanity, as when you tell the rightful person to back away from his rightful claims, so not to annoy the unrightful and very aggressive predator, the predator wins the game. He will not calm down and the end result is always that justice looses.
This happens wherever you see aggression that is out of proportion and someone trying to stand up for their own rights, but gets sidetracked by someone that uses no logic reasoning that makes any sense, lots of unproven accusations, demeaning words about the other. Many are even enchanted by these aggressive people who will swiftly change from honey and smooth talking to others and into a demeaning and aggressive attitude against their target. This makes others, of weaker constitution, immediately prone to lick the shoes of the predators and help them bully and put down their opposers. So all in all there is almost different spieces on this planet, and even inside families. Some have kindness, empathy, low demands, gratitude, a feeling of responsibility to aid others in their wellbeing, while others are only out to get what they want, they need and fuck the rest. On the surface outsiders seem to get easily confused who's who and many seem to believe that the opposite is true about peoples true natures. I've seen this myself so I was not too shocked to find out that predators borrow the coat of the nice and kind little sheep in the flock and uses this one as their scapegoat. Someone to take the fall for all the bad things the wolf under cover actually does.

In a perfect world, where there is truly goodness, kindness and honest caring people you would need to be able to see through all such charades. There would not be any posibility to lie, to deceive, to harm in this very cruel and brutal way. It's this turning of tables, of harming the innocent and glorifying and assisting the true perpetrator, that has caused our world to drift so very far from the heavenly paradise this could have been like. The more evil we let in among us and accept and wont see through, the more death and destruction do we create. Deserts came only a few thousands years ago, so what paradise did we have before the dawn of this era? There is a great posibility we once lived in a paradise and that we through our own naivity let evil in and ever since then our world has been slowly dying. If it's gone too far already or if there is someway to turn things around might be a big question, but so far I've only witnessed the intent to bring on total inhaliation of our present culture and a huge part of the population. You can see this in what they are predictively programming us with through their mediums - their hypnotizists and magicians. What else purpose did you think media had, but to program us into believing and constructing the world those supporting the making of the media has.
There are realms filled with colours so radiant and so vibrant were the air itself seems filled with vitality and love is litterary in the air. It's such joyous places and you laugh and have fun, just like the place were the little fairy lived. And then there are dark and cold places where no colours live at all and all is grey and dull. Even the minds of men are dark and sadness rests in everyones heart. This planet has more and more become this latter kind of place, where so much sadness is encouraged to rule. But this planet was not intended to be such a place so despite the most dark and evil of actions it's like the little fairy of joy seeps through and bring laughter into the hearts of children. It's the spirit of this earth that seeps through and wish her children to re-joyce while they are here alive on her. Earth has given us so much we should be happy about, but nowdays some power is working overtime to shut all that down and the only scare that someone like me could have is that this attempt would succeed. The key to the soloution lies straight in the hands and hearts of mankind themselves, as if they wish to stay on this planet they must live like she wants us to do, or we will not be able to stay here much longer.

When people are cruel and heartless and have no empathy, no love, no care and can do horrible things to their kin without any regret, then these people don't belong here. That's the first message I got, that this kind of person must go as there is no place for such thinking. Only people who care and help out and love each other belongs here. You know who you are by how you react to others and how you wish to help others. When you meet nasty people who lie about others, about you, and are hostile and make stories up to paint others as villains and monsters out of their own foul minds, you know which kind of paranoid people this planet does not want to have here. These people like to murder what is alive, for no particular reason, and they don't look after things so they bloom and thrive, but they let things go if there is no money to gain from keeping it pretty. They only do things to gain themselves and not ever for the purpose of keeping things nice and good for everyone and so it will keep to the future and thrive and grow and build for future generations. These people are only in it for it now, for themselves, and they want the benifits to be reaped while they are alive, and screw the future.
These are the people helping to ravish this planet with wars, weather manipulations and drought and starvation and using horrible methods of mining that cracks the earth, putting radiations in our seas, atmosphere, poluting and destroying everything, on land, in sea and in the air. I could go on and on about what they do just to earn more money. They are horders of money and wealth and they don't care what harm what they are doing to this planet will cause all life living here, only if they can hord a little more. To aid them in this mission they've gathered alot of people who only wish to make a living, while sacrificing their childrens future. It's the shortterm thinking the thick and stupid have, which is a big problem here that this planet is filled with stupid people. Even alot of really nice people are stupid, but somehow nice makes people less stupid. A nasty person might score higher on a IQ test then a nice person, but somehow it's like the niceness add so much intelligence to the mix, that the IQ test not might pick up. There is of course other tests, but the greatest test is if you are a good person or not. Do you lie to gain scraps from your kin or are you an honest person to them and share equally and fair? 

The pure souls and hearts will see that unfairness is not a good thing, while people that have let darkness into them will believe that some should have much more then others, for no reason then them being alive. That's how easy it is to judge who's a good person and who's not. So simple as that. I've made a few more gifts here as you can see and two fairies I used a tutorial to make the green and turquoise frame, just like the little birds on a blooming cherry bransch, and the fountain in the park. All given frames I made using tutorials. The lady on the beach is a tutorial and so is the one above here, though I added the bottom part to write on. The little cute fairy tag below is also a tutorial. There is another thing that lures us here on this world right now, which makes it so hard to actually judge what others truly are. It's that too many has lost their ability to see into anothers heart anymore. That's why the enchanters now has all the power and the honest and caring people are punshed in the face by others, that truly believe they hit the bad guy. It's cause the truly bad guys hide behind these masks, these fake perfect images, and people adore them as if they were wiser, better, more deserving. I think that's why they let us know after some of them have died, that their true nature was vile and cruel, so to make the enchanted wake up and start to watch behind the surface.

Queen Angelica - Fairyaland Poetry

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