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torsdag 19 februari 2015

Christmases Past

This will be a blog about some christmas memories as there is a reason why we have gotten our feel for that season severed in our family. This has become the season dreaded instead of enjoyed. Looking back there is one person responsible for this emotion and one only. Their grandmother. Every christmas we've hoped she'd not ask to come as the children totally hated it and it was very stressful for all of us. I feel totally rotten with her around and even if she tries to behave, she cannot hide her utter contempt most of the times. There was a period she behaved better and I almost didn't mind having her, but most of the times she did something to upset someone. I thought that would not be Christmas 2011, but that turned out to be the worst of them all.

Shortly before the last christmas with my childrens granny I had been rushed to hospital due to very severe anemia that was affecting me so much I could no longer sleep, walk or do anything but sit and look exhausted. I felt like I was dying - litterary. Later on in fact I was told by several people that I should had been dead, or that I could had died any minute as bad as it was. I don't know if that is true or not, as your body will get used to the slow loss of blood and adjust. It was like my body had adjusted so much now that I could not use it anymore. By that time it had dropped to below 55 Hb (swedish messurement) and "normal" should had been between 120-160 Hb. Normally I however rarely have above 120, so to me it's been quite normal to get orders to eat iron-tablets when I was young and pregnant. When I stopped getting pregnant I stopped checking and that's when the drop began - after the last baby in 2000. I had no idea what was going on though, but noticed in winter 2001-2002 that my hair was getting very thin and ugly. I thought it was due to the breast feeding of the infant for so long and wished to make her stop. She was now 1½ year and didn't really need mommy that way, but she loved to snug up with me and have a cozy moment. I'm very old fashioned in that way, as natural women always let their children breast feed far up in age. My father-in-law confessed he'd snagged some even after his baby brother was born, and he was raised far up in the mountains, up in the north. They lived by a mountain lake with no roads to their farm. To go anywhere they had to go by boat, or walk over the mountains to the next valley. 
So I noticed I was loosing my hair and that was the first sign I got. The other was in winter 2002-2003 when I was working full time and I was totally washed up when I came home. It was a job where I had to walk alot so with anemia you just don't have the energy for doing that. At this time it's hard for me to know how much anemia I had, but it was enough to make my hair really starting to look horrible. The lenght was all gone and it was thin and raspy. It took months out of the spring to make me gain back my strength from working only 3 months during the winter season. In summer I was asked to help my sister with her move from her house to her flat, as she had a bad leg and could not do anything herself. A few of us came and helped her out and I worked like hell to get her stuff shifted, as I wanted to please my darling sister, who was suffering from her poor leg. Shortly after that ordeal I heard father had collapsed, as he totally over did it, as he too wanted to help his little baby girl, and he was in no fit state to do so. Now I know he already then suffered from high blood pressure and I also think he had some problems with his heart, but I'm not sure. Also I all of a sudden, just days after coming home from helping to move all these things, I lost my control over my muscels and I dropped what I was holding and could hardly not lift it up again. That scared me alot as I'd never felt anything like that before. Now I know it's the anemia causing inflamations in the muscels, if you over work them, like I did when shifting all the stuff in the move.

Ever since that day I still have pain in my muscels and they still hardly work like I'm used to. The difference from that summer day in 2003 with today is only one - I've lernt to ignore when my muscels will not obey me and still force myself to do things. I had anemia for so long there where lots of inflamation in my body when I finally was diagnosed and taken for treatment. The most irritating inflamation I had was treated very successfully and hopefully it will not come back, as it handicapped me for years. I once told my sister about this problem back in autumn 2009, and she claimed she had it much worse, so I ignored it. I should had searched help back then and I would not had to suffer as terrible as I did for two more years. But hearing how she had managed this since she was 12 years of age, and now was successfully working full time, made me feel like a whimp, so I thought there is nothing to do, but to hope it gets better by itself. It would not. I had a pretty nasty inflamation and it needed to be delt with. It's diagnosed as a chronic inflamation, but I hope it never comes back, even if my doctor believes it might. I still have many other pains and aches in my body from the anemia, which all are small inflamations, but nothing like I had and nothing that will make the test results go haywire, so I'm conciderered healed now and in good health. That makes me very happy and we are all happy that I have been able to live a more full life these last 3 years.
But back at Christmas 2011 I'd just been home from hospital for a couple of months and I was just the other day checked out and my Hb was finally on the right side. I was feeling much better and had been out shopping for christmas. I bought presents for everyone and also my mother got alot of presents. That I did without having any money, as I'd not been working or having any income for many years. All I had was a little cash I'd saved up from the childrens money. That is a benifit all children get and I'd saved some of it so I could buy everyone nice things. So there were plenty of gifts under the tree, and my husband had bought alot of food for our festivities. He'd recieved his annual christmas gift from his parents, where they send him money which he always use to buy us christmas food. His parents have also every year given us money for gifts for our children, and when they were younger we used to buy gifts for those money to our children, so they got plenty of gifts. Now we always only give them the money and I think we choosed to do that this Christmas of 2011. I had also bought nice gifts for my own grandson. It was his first Christmas and he was to celebrate with us on Christmas Day, and with his dad's family the evening before. It was a big thing for all of us, having a little new baby in our family, and we were all fuzzing alot. He was a live little miracle and we've been all so very worried about him the whole year, starting even the year before.

He was diagnosed with a malformed heart vein already in the womb and we had to go to a specialist hospital to check him out. This was in January 2011 and mother knows all about that, as we came to see her after the hospital. I thought all were fine with her and she was dead nice when we visited. Then the baby was born prematurely in early May and had to spend quite some time in hospital. I don't remember whom came to visit during this period, and there were not really visits allowed so easily when my daughter was there. I had to wait for ages to see only her, and I could not see my grandson, and it was very hard as I'd been with them in the delivery room, and now I was an outcast. My daughter was all alone with her boyfriend she had back then, and what I've figured out from her he was not the best support. She wanted me there, but I was not allowed to come in and she was all in a mess as her baby was not well. Two times he almost died and she was so stressed out and when I finally got to see her she was not herself. I had helped to calm her down and hold her hand all through delivery and now she had to endure this all on her own. I think she'd managed far better if they'd let me in with her and support her, but I was "persona non grata" on the ward, just for not being the baby's father. That was the only person allowed in there. I think she managed to get her best friend in there, who worked at the hospital, and I think that helped her alot. 
In early June or late May they finally could come home, but we were all very nervous as the baby had stopped breathing for no apperent reason twice already. They had scanned his brain and found an anomally, which might be the cause of it. So everyone was very alert and we didn't want to leave them alone. Neither our daughter, nore her boyfriend, had a drivers licens and we live quite far from any hospital. During the whole summer of 2011 we were in and out of hospitals every other week. There were tons of tests on the baby, and both he and his mommy got ill and ended up on hospital due to infections. His mommy got such a terrible inflamation they had to drain her of loads of puss. It was disgusting and a totally horrible experience for her. She was high in fever until the puss was drained and she'd gotten some working antibiotics. Still she ended up hospitalized and I tried to help out, but I'm no doctor, so what do I know about such inflamations that wont go away. Mine always eventually did, after a few weeks and a minimum of fever. I've never seen anyone getting it so bad, the milk fever, but apparently her grandmother on her dad's side had also had such ordeals. Still she struggled on and breast fed her baby till he was 9 months old and he did not want any more to do with it. The reason for all this inflamation was most likely cause the hospital had taught the baby to suck through a plastic tit and bacteria got an hold there. 

Once the baby lernt to go without this plastic nonsens and the antibiotics worked things were fine. But then the baby got a terrible cough and he had to stay over at hospital too. That was the summer of 2011. At the end of it I got a call from the aunt who lived next to dad's. She told me mother had dumped her dog on dad and not come back for days to pick her up. I don't know how many days, but the dog was running around the village making a nusance of herself. She was dirty and uncared for, the aunt told me. She was quite mad at me for not doing anything about it, which of course I could not until I knew about it. I immediately went and got the dog and took the dog home with me. A few days later, when I was out running with my sons and the dog, I ran into a brick wall. It felt like it. I just stopped and could not run anymore. My heart was pumping like I'd ran a mile in full spead, and we'd just been taking it easy running short lapses and then walking awhile. It didn't matter that I rested, the heart kept acting like I was running on full speed. Like I was running like hell. We were then also in the middle of planning my grandson's babtism, so when my heart was rushing like this I had no strength to do much. I sat on a chair and baked cakes, and I sat on a stool and did the garden. It was totally insane, as I had so much work to do and I could not walk around and do stuff. My children helped me out with many things, like cleaning the kitchen, doing the garden, and of course my daughters helped alot with the baking.
We made it and the babtism went well, despite of me feeling absolutely horrible that day. Everything I had to do was so exhausting. I barely managed to lift the glasses from the machine into the cupboards after the guests had had their feast. All needed to be clean and put back as we only rented this place. I begged my mother and sister to please come over and see me afterwards, but got the reply that my sisters mother-in-law was far more important then me, and she could not wait anylonger for them. Going on the babtism was already streaching it, and the old lady expected them to come on time, every second week, or she'd not sign over her house to them. Neither my mother nore my sister bothered to stay in the kitchen and help me out. I think my sister came in with a few things and then she and her husband (and mother) took off to the much more important person - the one with the nice summer house by the sea. As I had no such bribes to offer I was left to sort out the mess and go home to the garden I'd worked so hard for them to see, while sitting on my stool. They could not be bothered, and what my brother-in-law demanded was far more precious to them, then my plea for them to come for just a short moment. I got no time to speak to my sister on the babtism, and it saddened me. But looking back I've realized that was her choice. She really didn't want to be there at all and she only went cause our mother had stuff she needed rid of, and my living room was the place to put all the junk.

Just a few days before the babtism my mother had actually come and picked her dog up, so at the babtism the dog was not with us anymore. A few days after the babtism was I hospitalized and for awhile I imagined that this had made my sister and her husband feel guilty for refusing my request for them to come over for a short chat at our house. I don't have those delusions anymore. You need to have feelings before you can feel anything, you see. When it's all about superficial looks such things does not matter. You only make it look like you cared, and people will buy it. You never need to actually contact the person, only tell others you will or have. So that's what she did, told mother she'd call me at hospital and she called home to my daughter and pretended she'd call me. She never did. So obviously she didn't care. She didn't either bother to tell her husband I was at hospital, nore why. It's really no big deal now as all went well and I got better, but at the time noone knew what was wrong with me and my blood statues were lousy on so many places. Many more then only the Hb. It's not about show when someone is ill, but it's about making the ill person feel loved and cared for. When some wont bother to talk to you directly it's really off and odd. Mother did call alot, so did my father-in-law. But in hinesight I think she mostly wanted me well enough to take care of her dog again, as she dumped her as soon as I said I was feeling much better. That was a month after I came home from the hospital, and a month before Christmas.
A condition we sat up for mother to come to us in Christmas 2011 was that she'd bring her dog back home with her. We had a full house at that time, with all our four children living at home and also the little grandson. Alot of the times the babies daddy was living here aswell, and a dog was way too much. I was still not feeling up to taking long walks and needed time to get stronger. Mother had been using the ordinary pity card to make her invited to us, pretending she had noone to celebrate with this year. After she came she was not one bit interested in talking to me, but I didn't really notice that at first, as I was still imagining that she had been really worried about me, and certainly wanted to spend some quality time with me. In my naivity and spontaneously decided to show her some of my art-work I have on my computer - a thing I'd never normally would do and something I at that moment didn't understand why I'd never done. I remember thinking how odd that was of me, not sharing art when she's an artist herself so she must really want to see such things. So when she walked in on me when I had a flower up on my computer screen that I'd drawn a couple of years ago, I spontaneously decided to show her some more, and told her I was going to. I turned around all excited cause I really wanted to share with my mother, as this was things I cherrieshed alot. You only want to share such things with someone you really wish to be close to, so I guess I in my infantility imagined that I could be with my mother, like I was with my daughter.

When I turned back towards my mother to show her what I'd made, she was gone. I don't know when she left, but most likely as soon as I said I wanted to share something I've made with her. I found her out chatting with my husband, who was preparing his usual christmas meal. She was talking about her car and sniffing the pots, and there was not a sign that she'd just dumped me and my art like we were all shit. I resigned into the realization she's not interested in anything I do, really, and went on with the celebrations instead. We ate the food and mother totally devoured the whole ham. She'd made a promise to give us some cash, as we were dirt poor at this moment, and the food had been sponsored by my husbands parents. But of course she forgot and I tell you that the amount of food she stuffed her face with it would not had been enough to cover it, what she offered. At the dinner table we were told that she had indeed already celebrated christmas with my sister and her husband had prepared an even more splendid meal. Well, perhaps cause they are not dirt poor, due to having to support loads of more people? At this time my husband paid for the living of seven people full time and then some free loaders on top of that. After the meal was done we went to the living room and our youngest daughter was to play a little Elf, and deliver the gifts.
The little Elf did a fine job and she got most of the present out, but at the end she had some problem with a few left and I went over to her to help her out. All during the gift giving mother been sitting there with a smug, bored face, not looking one bit amuzed by the whole thing. She seemed to like the gifts that were to her, but not those to her dog. She got plenty of gifts. She had herself bought each of the younger three children a little giftbag of candy and also put a quite big buck in an envelope for each of them. Apparently she'd given all her grandchildren the same amount, except her oldest. Even those not here and even her step-grandchildren. This was Christmas Eve and only the three younger children were present, as the oldest were with our grandson to see the other grandparents. When I was sitting talking to the Elf about the gifts she had a problem with, granny decided she wanted to have some fun - finally. So she complained loudly that it was time to speak to my brother in the US now. My husband, wanting to be a good host, immediately accomodated her and let her use his phone to call him up. I was not following this as I was talking to the Elf about the gifts, and all of a sudden I hear mother yell at my Elf and at me to shut up, as now more important matters then our blabber is on the menue. My little Elf was chocked. She was the bloody ELF, the main thing at this moment. The one giving the bloody gifts, and her nasty old granny told her she was to shut up and stop giving out the gifts!

From that day this Elf has not forgotten the nasty old hags comment to her to shut up. Mother spoke to her as she was a rude, insubordinate child not behaving, when she was doing her Elf-duty! She spoke to her darling mother like she was a child. Mother actually did the typical thing narcissistic mothers do and treat you like a naughty child in your own home. She was the naughty guest being rude to the generous hostess, that's what she was. I felt so humiliated with how my mother spoke to me infront of my children, and after all the gifts I'd given her. Do you know what she gave me? Well, she had obviously some stuff she wanted rid of, so she had called me up and also called my oldest daugher up before christmas, and asked us about whether we liked such stuff or not. We both had said we did not. It was a special pattern, and I don't like it. I told mother I did not like it and that I'd given all with that pattern to my youngest daughter, the Elf, as she was the only one liking it. I also had told her very strongly that my oldest felt the same way as I did. And so had my daughter done! Still, mother gave me a small door matt with the hated pattern on it. She didn't care what I liked, or she did it to spite me. I don't honestly know, as she's more likely to give what I'd said no to, then what I said yes to. If she has a choice she will pick what I've said no to, atleast 8 out of 10 times. That's how persistant she is. So it's not even chance, it's systematic, I bet.
Advice to people who can't accept you for who you are!
The other gift she gave us, was for both of us. She had bought the cheepest chocholate you can find and I recogneized the box. The chocholate tasted awful and I could not eat any. I tasted one and by only that single one my gut was in uproar. Like I said I was diagnozed with a chronic gut disorder, thanks to the many years of anemia. I forgot to mention all around that anemia, as I did go to a doctor in 2004, who dismissed me and forgot to get me to take the tests I've ordered and sent me home. I was so confused (anemia and four children make you that) so it took me 6 months to realize she never had the tests done. Next year I'd gotten pregnant but miscarriged after a couple of months. Again did they not do any tests, when I came to hospital to check it out. That was late summer or early autumn of 2005, and it takes six years for really severe anemia to start to kill you, by destroying your body from the inside. So no wonder I became so rapidly ill in 2011, as that was when my body began to show all the bad signs of not working like it should. And one of those things first not functioning was the guts. And mother knew this very well and she buys me this cheep stuff. My husband has diabetes and it's not advisable for him either to stuff his face with such junk. We gave the chocholate to the children and their friends and with the help of a few they finished it off.

So then next day was Christmas Day and our oldest daughter came back home with her little son and we had a second gift giving cermony for them. All the gifts to them were left under the tree and she had a few for us. She's always very generous and she gave beautiful gifts to everyone, despite having no money as she had her baby while still officially in high school and she's not worked any yet to earn money. But she's a saver and good at making ends meet with little means. I don't remember all the gifts she gave, only that she had put her heart into it. Then it turned out that mother had forgotten she had a great grandchild and therefore not made any gift for the baby - at all. The best gift for both of them would had been money, as they needed that more then any other of the cousins or siblings at the time, being the only one with a child to support, and also the oldest one. She needed to get a place of her own to live in and she was planning to start on the university. She truly needed funds, and her granny gives her no money at all. She had given all others, but then when it comes to the one grandchild that most needs it, the one with a child to support, she gives nothing. Instead she gives her a set of sheets with the ugly pattern on that both me and my daughter already had turned down. It was in the wrong size too, just like we'd told her would not fit her bed. Mother just didn't listen, or care.
Mother gave some lame excuse for forgetting her only great grandson. Forgetting that he EXISTED. She looked like it was the simplest thing to just forget and nothing to get your nickers crossed over. She looked totally care free for forgetting it. To all of us, my daughter and everyone else, it was of course extreamly insulting, but also typical of her. As soon as you think that your relationship with her is ok, she does something like this to make you feel insignificant and stupid. She talks to you like a child, she walks away while you are engaged in conversation with her or wanting to show her something, and she pretends that your children, your creations, your work and your most beloved everything is nothing. The way she acted when she was to phone the precious one in the States was disgusting, when you compare it with her silent contempt for all she had around her. She pissed in our faces while eating up all our food. She never gave me the money she'd promissed to give either, as she knew we barely could make it and had not even much for ourselves. After she left all the ham was gone, which normally will last a couple of days more, atleast. She had eaten so much I concluded she had eaten just as much as three of us together had. In the end there was no doubt about it. She only came her to stuff her face, and she were more concerned with giving gifts to others then to us, who'd taken pity on her during Christmas.

It was the upset of my little Elf and the forgetting of my baby Prince and the look on his mother's face when she was so very insulted by her grandmother, that made me promiss to not let her ruin one more christmas for us. I apologized to my children for all the awful christmases I've forced them to endure with her and that I should had listened to them and to my own feelings and told her that we wanted to celebrate on our own. Thanks to her christmas was always a very dreaded holiday, until I found out if I would be stuck with her or not. That last christmas I had actually opened up and embraced the idea she was coming. I'd done everything to make her feel welcome, and she pissed on my face. She pissed on my children and grandchilds face, and it did not bother her one bit. She bragged about my sisters christmas party and she was excited to speak to her son in the US. Well, leave us alone then, hag, and celebrate every christmas with that rotten couple, who up and moved away in secret as soon as you landed in their village. This fact mother did not admit to until the next year, 2012, and my guess is that apart from the spectacular christmas party there had not been too much services granted from that adorable couple for months, when the admission came. If it's true or not, I don't know, but according to mother she was not informed about their move, and she moved down to them in good faith they'd live close by. She only admitted to how hurt she'd been by my sister once, for doing this.
These next years, 2012-2013, after my mother had admitted to this she started talking about moving here, which was something we'd said to her for years was a good idea, but she said she knew nobody here and could not. That was when she was still not sure what to do back in 2008-2009. She'd been told by her oldest son and his family that she could come live where they live, but she said the same thing to them - that she didn't know them. So she does not know her oldest son and his family, and she does not know her oldest daughter and hers? If you pushed her on those answers she tried to wiggle her way out of it by saying she knew nobody else but us. Then she'd turn around and say that in the south, where our baby sister lived, she knew this daughter and her family, and her grandson and then also a sister to mother and her family. So she knows plenty there! But that is the same thing, as that is also family. Double set of standards is her rule of law. But in 2012 she seemed to not be too happy as first she got really bored with taking care of her dog, as she rarely got any help with that anymore from her step-children. So in April she dumped the dog on us again, with the same excuse she was to come and get her soon. Before doing that she'd been complaining alot about how ill she was, just like she'd been complaining the other times before I took the dog. As soon as I have the dog, she's dandy. In 2011 I was nothing but dandy myself and said to her I felt like I was 80 years old. She was 80 years old, and replied she was dandy herself. Well, when a young woman feels like 80 there's a problem.

So yet again she was dandy and fine as soon as I took care of the dog in April 2012. She had pleaded with me to take the dog as dad needed to be taken care of, and I had talked to her that either someone needed to come and stay with him or he needed to live with someone. So my mother said she'd do that as soon as the dog was out of her care. I said I could take care of the dog while she took care of dad, but that I wanted her to take the dog when she could. Like when she was to stay in her cottage, which the dog loved to be at. And that was our agreement. But mother never came to get the dog and she did nothing about takinge care of dad, not that I've heard of. It even seems like someone is telling lies that I was to do that, which I could not do. I had my hands full, and the little energy I had was needed to take care of my family. We had still the baby living with us, and he's a special needs child so lots of appointments to go to. Still my daughter had not her drivers license, but she was doing private lessons now with her dad and me. Also her brother had started his drivers lessons, so we had alot to do with that too, and of course taking care of mothers dog and the rest of the pack of pets we have. It was during this year that "granny" started to more or less harass her oldest grandchild, my daughter, wanting her help to move here. She was fed up with being ignored down in the south and she had lots of communications with my daughter, who did her best to help out her granny.
Advice to those thinking they can control others!
Just like mother had harassed my sister back in 2008 and made her do alot of stuff for her to help her get an apparment, she was now up my daughters throat the same way. And just like mother back then backed out and left my sister clean up the mess she left, so did she just dump the whole project with my daughter. I had warned her to not take her granny too seriously and that she most likely only was after the attention - the attentions from my sister, that is. Back in 2009 she and her husband were so fed up with mother I've recieved e-mails where they asked me to take care of her more. As if mother would let us decied that. It's by the way far a better deal to have an old hag sit and huff and puff in your sofa all day long, then have one that is being mean to you on purpose. My sister has complained on mother doing the very opposite she does to me. That is, my sister felt annoyed as mother was too interested in what she was up to, and she wanted mother to stop looking over her shoulder to what was on her computer screen. Remember my story up above? Yes, mother went out of her ways to show me how totally uninterested she is in anything I have on my computer screen. So who's the worst to have in your home? Someone sucking up to you and interested, and at worst sits and rests in a sofa, perhaps watching TV, or someone hell bent on belittling you and ignoring you and never letting your family watch anything they want on TV, while she's there, as it's all crap if she says so and she talks and try to ruin it for everyone. I say I rather have the mother my sister has.

In my sisters eyes mother is kinder to me, as she rarely helps out when she's with my sister. Well, hello, she rarely helps out here either. She had a short period she was dead nice and she tried to help out, and she actually did the dishes. That was pretty amazing, but it was nothing regulary going on, but happened a short period before I got really ill. It was those years my sister had disconnected from me and we therefore lost contact. So it must had been after 2006 and before 2011, those things happened that mother volonatarily helped out with the kitchen duty. I thought that was very kind of her, even if it was totally out of her character. Hell, I've even seen my sister do that at mothers place after the 75th birthday party. But then she bragged she had organized the whole event, which was pretty funny knowing all she more or less did was cleaning the dishes. Mother got furious when she heard that sister had claimed that party as her doing, as it was a big thing for the old hag to manage that all by herself. You see, narcissists have terrible low selfesteem, deep down, so everything they do needs to be attributed to them properly or they flip out. That is also why many claim to have done things they have not, or exaggerate their contribution to events. It's due to their terrible low selfesteem. I think mother planned both her 75th birthday party and my youngest daughter's babtism very well. Planning parties is also a gift my sister has alot of, so she need not steal the thunder from others.
...Filed for a divorce 2 months before my baby's birth!
That is the reason I don't get why nobody could plan the birthday party they'd invited me to. It was supposed to be my 50th birthday party, and nobody seemed bothered to plan it one bit. I had said that it was fine with me to skip it, as we'd already celebrated it on the day with my family and with my in-laws. We had a lovely day we all agree on was absolutely fabulous and when talking to my father-in-law on my husbands 50th birthday party he said it was not near as expensive as he'd thought it been. That was the biggest shocker to him, as he'd never eaten so well and it was a beautiful room with a view over the lake. We were the only guests and had the whole old place to ourselves. We felt like royalties almost and we got treated so well. And then the bill was nothing like he'd imagined it to be, so he said it was the best in two ways. He even thought so well about it that he adviced my daughter to have her wedding there, which I'm all for. I think it would be a great idea, as the garden is beautiful and the view over the lake spectacular. The trees and the old yellow house are all one would dream about for a wedding. This place is just a few steps away from were my daughter moved in late 2012 with her son, and they had this place as a view from their window. I guess that's why she didn't think about it, as it was so close, and she thought it must be really expencive.

This was also the place that she was helping her granny to move to, and I don't know really how close to that they came, before her granny changed her mind. I do know however that she was phoning her granddaughter alot about this issue, making it her issue too. My daughter had moved to her appartment in November 2012, within a month after her granddad's funeral. My dad had died very hastily at the end of September and I had sat by his side as he slumbered off. Noone at the hospital told me he risked to die that night, but he did. If I'd known I'd not gone home, but they did not even have a decent or comfy chair to sit in, only stiff tiny ones. So no chance of sitting there and trying to sleep a little yourself, and no chance to get a bed of your own. To me it seems like they've made it worse in these areas from before, when you were supposed to sit by your dear ones till the end. I felt awful having to drive home, not knowing what would happen to him, but as I said, noone warned me in any way, but spoke like he was to be fine. Perhaps they didn't want relatives to sit there and take up space, so they didn't warn what could happen? The thought has struck me. The next day it was supposed to be another of dad's children who'd come to see him, and the next day another. So not to tire him out too much and that he had something to look forward to. All he wanted was to go home to his beloved farm, so he sure needed some positive company to get him off that silly thought.
I will not linger too long on this as there is a whole long story, many times told, about what happened after dad passed away. It's a sad story of greed and betrayal, and my only joy in this is that dad didn't live to see it. I'm sure he cares very little for all that now and I'm sure he also thinks that we are capable to handle this ourselves by now. If he thinks I should forgive those who so obviously only care for money and not for people he will however be disappointed, as it's not for me to accept lies and mischief. I never will. Bad actions will I never enforce or agree upon. I do hope he sees that now, how foolish that is. As when you agree to others nastiness, you give them your permission to go on doing such things to others. As long as we don't understand what they are doing, believing it to be mistakes and misunderstandings, that is one thing. But as soon as we understand that they do nasty things on purpose for the sole reason they wish to humiliate someone that is the end of it. No support, no permission to continue, and no forgiving of their nasty actions, never regretted and never admitted. But at this time, in November 2012, these plans had yet not been realized by us, and we were helping our oldest daughter move to her appartment, with the pretty view of the yellow house and the lake. And shortly after that she tried to get her granny to come and visit her, which her granny never had time to do.

I remember one time when her granny could not come and see her oldest granddaughter's new appartment and visit the young girl and the little great grandchild, cause my mother needed to go and see a perfect stranger in a town not far away. A stranger she had met on the internet, and who just like my daughter, was a student. So my daughter was told her own granny could not see her as it was more important to go and see another young person, granny never met before. Talk about insane belittlement just there! At the same time her granny was complaining about how lonely she was and that it was so expensive living where she lived. All by her own choice, as she only counted the people she knew down there in the south as people she knew, and not us up here. We were according to my mother "unknowns" then I suppose. I'm not really sure when mother started talking about moving here, and how much she was in contact with my daughter about it, but she's said it was alot. When her granny had made her waist alot of time helping out and then having her granny change her mind at the end, my daughter got very upset with her granny. Remember that this is a young mother, who just have started the university at one of the toughest educations and she had a special needs child in the age of 1½, who most likely would not walk yet for a few years. And apart from her parent she was on her own as the relationship with the child's father had ended at that time. 
Advice to those not appreciating others for whom they are!
Did my mother care about all that? Did she pay any attention to my daughter's needs, or about her little son's? Did she pay any attention or interest to anything my daughter did or to her artwork? Of course she did not. It was all about her and her needs and her feelings. Her granny's excuse had been the same old not knowing anybody here, apart from what hassle it was to move. I had warned my daughter and told her that her granny had told her cousin that in 2009. He'd been the first one to offer to help her come and live in the town he lived in at the time. And he'd gotten very insulted when the granny he'd been visiting and helping out for years had told him that she knew noone in that town. What about me? he'd asked me when he told me her respons. I remember telling my nephew that I was not surprised and that I was sure she'd give me the same respons if I made the same offer he'd made. Said and done, I made my mother the same offer and I got the very same respons. That was back in early 2009, I think, and as I've told you she moved down to my sister's village, and sister up and left for the big town shortly after that. My sister's husband can't stand our mother, so it's quiet funny how they are so best buddies bullying me now. My husband is also a person they've been smearing and lying about, and he's been nothing but kind to his mother-in-law for +25 years and look what that got him? She rather fratenize with a fatassed bully who smear and threatens her oldest daughter for imaginary crimes to take attention away from facts.

I know this has been about alot of other issues then christmases past, but it all connects. All the nastiness all year long just comes together every christmas when we are supposed to enjoy ourselves. It was the same when I was a child, that every christmas she was nagging on father most day, while he was preparing the food. Nothing was good enough and she gave him nasty remarks and laughed at him with that voice of hers. When I wish to sound like a really wicked witch I only have to mimick that tone and all my children know that I'm sounding like their granny. That's my wicked witch voice! Christmas was my mothers favorite and she was terrorizing the whole family with all her traditions. Everything had to be her way. She did however have a great nack of making it very christmas-like, with candles and ornaments. She had put up alot of things on the walls and everywhere, when I was a child, to make it look like christmas. Atleast I think she was doing all that, as I didn't really pay attention. I know dad did all the cooking and preparing of the food. He was preparing for long time before christmas, as some of the food you have to do alot of work with. He was very good with food and he was a very hardworking man. I just can't understand how he could stand to take all the abuse from our mother, but I think he got so used with it that it all ran off him like water on a duck. 
One such food dad prepared a long time before was called "lutfisk", which I see translates into stockfish. I was often there watching him in whatever he was doing as I was his little helper. So I remember how he changed the water every day that the stockfish had to lay in to get rid of all the smelly stuff. It says it's lixivium in Google-translate, but I don't know. It's not good to eat, so you have to get it out of the fish first. Also the fish is hard and needs to soften up by the water. After the treatment is over you cook the fish and make a lovely sauce to it using a special spice. It says it's called allspice, but I don't know. Once I tried to buy ready done stockfish I just had to cook myself and I made a sauce just like I remember dad doing it, but it didn't taste like it should and I never tried it again. I've never seen where you can buy those dry and hard stockfishes he used to buy either. When I was small we had one of those old time shops in our village, where stuff was hanging in the cealing and they went out in the back to get things. You had to wait by the counter to be served and there were no self service in such shops. I think all that changed in the late 60's and we got a couple of regular supermarkets instead. The village had grown ten times over so it was needed.

During our christmases in the 60's and also the 70's we had to wait a very long time for anything amuzing to happen. While the dinner was being done we watched Kalle Anka (which is Donald Duck) and his friends on TV. It was an hour with Walt Disney commersials more or less, but we had no cartoons the whole year, so this was it. It was the same program every year, but it became a tradition that is still ongoing. At the very end they put in a short commersial on a new film for the year, but the rest is like I remember it from my childhood. After we'd watched the cartoons I think it was time for the dinner and when that was all over, and mother had picked on all missing things on the table, and bragged about her only contribution and bullied my oldest brother for eating too much, it was time for us to sit in the sofa and wait. That was when mother had us all sitting there, having to listen to her reading from the Bible. The fire was burning in the open fireplace so it was quite cozy, but it was boring how everyone had to sit on needles just so mother could have her way. Nobody cared for the Bible or the Christmas Gospel, she just had to read every christmas, as that was what this season was all about. Some jewish boy getting born 2000 years ago in some fairytale. I didn't agree and I think some others in the family also disagreed with her, but it was her time now and she wanted it this way. I guess it was some tradition from her own family.
After we'd been sitting there for like ages, listening yet again to the most boring story ever told, it was finally, at last, time for the Tomte to come. Dad usually had to sneak out on some errand and in came the Jultomte. With him he had a bag of gifts, though most were already stuck under the tree. Dad, who of course was the Jultomte, gave us our gifts and we were finally happy. Then we opened the gifts and we counted them to see who got more gifts then the others. Every christmas I got a few more, I think, and therefore I was the spoiled one. Most of what I got was cheap junk, so that was silly and childish calculations. Mother loved to buy cheap junk to me, as I was a little girl and didn't know the difference. Small children like shiny things, and small trinkets. And the same goes specially for girls, so I've noticed that girls tend to get more gifts, but mostly junk. While the boys get a few, really expencive gifts. All in all I think they got the more expensive one, particulary the favorite did. I'm not sure the oldest brother got that much as I have a feeling that while I got some fun trinkets he got mostly boring stuff. Of course all children compaire and that is what christmas really is about. Not any baby born 2000 years ago, not about eating alot of food to celebrate the Winter Solstice, but it's about buying as much junk as possible and pass it on to someone else. Am I wrong?

This trend I saw when I was little was then repeated in my own family. The girls got alot of presents, little trinkets and fun things, and the boys got fewer gifts and perhaps a little bit more serious. But it was not as clear cut, as in my family the oldest is a girl, so she got alot of "older" stuff too. Trinkets can be jewelry and such things, of course. From their granny they were all used to get the most weird stuff, that had nothing to do with their own personality in many cases. Watches that did not work, and that you could not change the battery in as it was cheap watches they give out for free to people. And it was lots of such commersial rubbish she passed on to her grandchildren, she clearly just gotten for free on some "deal" that you recieve on the post. Buy this and you get this for free, kind of deals. So most of their christmasgifts from their granny were such stuff, or something else she had laying around at home. She did earlier on buy some things, but it was never much. You might think I'm pretty mean to the poor old woman here, as she most likely had no money to spare. I tell you that is pure utter nonsense. In present day value of money she'd between the end of the 70's till she got the money from the divorce from dad in the early 90's gotten atleast the value of our house 4-5 times over. In cash. So she was not struggling to make ends meet. She was just a cheap cow.
Advice to those who think they need to hide what they feel!
Actually, as she just had recieved the money from the divorce back in 1992 the economy crashed in Sweden. If she had her money on the bank it should not be affected, but if she'd tried to sell a house that year or shortly after she'd not get more then half of what she'd given before the crash. Both my family and my oldest brother had bought houses in 1990-1991, so you can guess we were pretty screwed as the interest rates sky rocketed. Of course she had nothing to spare to help us out, and as dad's been skinned by her he didn't have much either. He did give a small amount to our first born children in 1991, before she robbed him blind. She gave nothing, neither before nore after 1992. She acted like the poor little woman who hardly could make ends meet, but it was all an facade. She got very abusive once at that time when my brother and his wife dared to ask her for a loan, as they'd been totally ripped clean by the banks. So had we, and we were over our heads in dept, just for buying food at that time. Thanks to dad both me and my brother somewhat came over this period in somewhat shape, though the dept stayed with us until he passed away and we could get in better shape. Mother has however given enormous amounts to help her favorites, in one way or another. She's been really sneaky doing that, and I don't think she truly explained to my sister how fortunate she'd been. Mother gave her a painting worth almost half of our house, and my sister put it in a cold storage, like it was garbage!

On one christmas back in 2001 or something, mother phoned me to ask what she was to give my children, as she was to celebrate it with us. My brother's family was coming back from the State for three weeks during the winter and she was all excited over how important it was for her to get their only child the most expensive winter overall there was for this child, so he'd not get wet on his short stay here. They had just moved to the States and I think this was either ½ year since they left or was it 1½. I got very glad when I heard she was to buy the cousin such an overall as that was exactly what my youngest son desperatly needed. To get one of those waterproof overalls was just wonderful, so I wished one for him too. That made her really upset and she sulked about having to get two. But she did! The only thing was that she only bothered to find the right size for the younger cousin, and my son had to take one in the same size. Luckily it was a big sized overall and my son could use it for two whole winters until he grew out of it. By then it was well worn. But his cousin only had it during his short visit here and it looked all new when we got it years later to our youngest child. The shameful thing in all of this, and what I cannot accept, is that mother is not complaining one bit over having to buy this ridiculous expensive overall for her grandson coming to visit for such a short stay, but she's been complaining ever after that I had her buy the same one to my youngest son. That's what upsets her, that she waisted her cozy money on buying this to a child who truly needed it, and needed it for two whole winters.
Another thing, which had nothing to do with christmases, but to do with this really cheap and unfair attitude of mothers, is an event that occured either in summer 1992 or the next year. I think it was in 1992 however, and we had no money to do anything for our summer vacation. We managed to get enough to go and visit mother in southern Sweden, as she'd been complaining we didn't. I felt sorry for her, and we went to see her. Remember that she just had recieved a small fortune from dad at this time, but when we were there, with no money to spare as we'd spent the last on getting there and back, she wished to go to an island called Bornholm. I too wanted to but we had no money for the fair. She was harassing us for awhile to please buy the tickets and come with her, and she kept doing it until she realized that we indeed didn't have that kind of money, and she gave up and bought the tickets for us. Imagine, if we'd had a few bucks still and she'd fooled us to waist them on a silly day trip to the island. It was nothing important and nothing that we needed to do. It was just for fun. And we had no money for fun. Nothing. She did. And it took her quite awhile to give in and realize she'd not get her fun, unless she paid. Had it been her beloved son and his family she'd not even asked them to pay, she'd flat out offered. And this son of hers has tried to make me and his brother believe he was equally treated as shit by this mother? Give me a brake! He has her in his back pocket.

However, if he'd claim that she'd screwed him up and made him into a worse idiot then he was born into, we'd sure agree with him. We both concider us lucky to not be her darlings as that has made us see who she really is. The times she's been nice to me I've also figured out are times when stuff have went really bad with other siblings. So when my oldest brothers family went no contact with her after her verbal assult on his wife in 1998, she got more cuddly with her other children. That led up to her being really sweet to me in 1999 and a few years after. Then her beloved son moved to the States in 2001, and she got still more cuddlier with her daughters. As my sisters husband did never like her - atall - I believe she's been kinder to me for a few years, or so I imagined. But then, when dad died, she all of a sudden where best friends for ever with them and this son-in-law was sharing his police threats against me with her. That's how sure he was about her loyalty towards him and my sister he wasn't a bit worried to do that. So that confirmed it to me that she'd totally dumped me now. The move and the claim she didn't know me and my family back in 2009, and then her request that summer to not bother to bring my children with me when I visited her and on top of that how she used my already overworked single mom daughter in 2012-2013 totally showed me her true nature. 
That I think is just enough about this issue, but as you might guess I could write much more about all christmases we suffered through as they were all terrible and none of my children ever liked having their grandmother here. Of course my oldest daughter kept hoping her granny would come around, with the same naive and persistant optimism I showed for years. As I said I did give it a proper try once again in 2011, and I can't see that I did anything wrong or said anything bad to her that time. Not that I ever did, but her ways used to get me depressed and really upset behind her back, as I didn't want to argue with the un-argueable. So it was mostly upsets in secret. I think that's how she likes it, that people are really upset with her in secret. She does not like to be told that you are upset with her, as it's always your fault. Oh, I must tell you about christmas 2004 and christmas 2006. I've written alot about those already in other blogs, so I'll sum it up here. I might just as well start with christmas 2003, when I'm at it. That was the first christmas my sister and her present husband were dating and she took him to us and she also took mother with her. The day before I'd been told that a dear friend of mine had passed away and I was grieving. To my memory nobody bothered to ask me about it or to acknowledge I was really sad, but they were all totally obsessing over my sister. 

I mean, not only her new boyfriend, but also mother and even my husband, where all concerned for her wellbeing. Not one person seemed to notice that I needed to get some time to mourn the loss of a friend and that I was not in any way up to play the happy hostess. I was totally ignored by everyone. After my husband had brilliantly played the host and served the dinner, they were sitting in the sofa cuddling over my sister the whole lot. The children were watching the TV. And I was out in the kitchen trying to make christmas porridge, which I suck at. When I was done I came in and told everyone that the porridge was served and all the children looked up and asked what I wanted, and I repeated the message. I stared at the grown ups, who was sitting very close to me, between me and the children, whom all clearly had heard me speaking. All the grown ups must had heard me, but they all decided to ignore me, and after once again telling them the porridge was ready to eat and asked them to come to the table, I tired on them and left. So me and the children sat there and ate our porridge and I told them that if the others didn't want to eat it, it was their loss. I felt it was terrible rude of them all, as I didn't understand why my own husband hadn't atleast spoken up. Afterwards he claimed he was so focused on our guests he didn't listen to what I was saying. Hey, don't you think I didn't notice that. My sister was whining over her headache and everyone was fuzzing over her. It's a drag having a headache and I know as I have them all the time. It's another Monday, to me. And who cares when and if I have one? Noone. Absolutely noone.
Advice to those celebrating with uncaring relatives!
I'm sure my sister was more concerned to get any possible attention, thus making sure everyone pittied her. She sure knew what bothered me and she knows how to read my sad face, so it was not a big surprise something was all of a sudden really wrong with her. Not even in my most excruciating pain I'd been that cuddled with by everyone. And I most certainly would not been able to sit infront of a TV in a room filled with children, if I'd suffered a true migrain attack. So my bet is that it was just to get attention away from me, just like I've seen other envious women do so many times. And it worked, as nobody cared for me or my porridge. That was christmas 2003, but the next on in 2004 we celebrated it at their new place, as my sister and her boyfriend by that time were married. It was a nice dinner and I had absolutely nothing to complain about, except that mother kept glaring at me with her envious look on her face. Everyone were nice to me, nobody scorned me, and there were no ridicule, no ignoring and nobody treated me like yesterdays garbage. It was extreamly refreshing as that was nothing I was used to coming from my family. My new brother-in-laws mother was truly delightful and we had a lovely time. My sister was sweet for a change and her husband was the total opposite to her last husband.

We took the road passed dad's place on the way home and that was when we were told about the tsunami and that my sister's son, my nephew, was in the area affected with his other family. When we came home the other day mother called to tell me how terrible I've been behaving on the christmas dinner party and how I and my family, particulary my children, had embarassed themselves. She was actually almost yelling at me, that's how upset she was. Not with a word did she touch on the fact her grandson was in the middle of the hell down in Thailand, nore did she say one word of sympathy for all the victims. Whole families, with children and all, had been wiped out in one day of total destruction. It's been a normal morning for most, when the waves came in, taking houses and people with them. The pain and suffering that both the victims and the survivors had to endure were more then I could bare to think about. I was feeling so upset and sad for all the people and my mind was on everyone who did not know how their relatives and friends were doing yet. I felt lucky we'd found out my nephew and his family were fine, but alot of people were still in the dark. And mother just calls me up to talk about what a bad mother I was and what horrible children I've raised. It was so sick and surreal I could not shut my mouth up but straight out told her, in a very upset and harsh tone of voice, how on earth she could even think about such nonsens at this moment with all of this going on, and I mentioned what that was to her, in case her puny brain had not comprehened the magnitude of the event. 
It took her an hour of two, maybe even less, to turn all the events backwards and then she phoned me up and yelled at me again. But this time she was yelling at me for not caring one bit for my poor nephew, nore all the poor people suffering from the tsunami. I'm not kidding you, this is what she did. No wonder I've concidered my mother utterly insane, since the ripe age of five (my ripe age of five, as I didn't know her when she was that age). It passed a couple of years and in 2006 we were to celebrate down at my sisters place again, and since she's been so sweet last time and her husband had been very polite and his mother had been an absolute darling I went unsuspecting straight into the trap. Nothing was the same this time. Except alot of the people. My sister was weird, her husband was withdrawn and odd, and mother was happy as a fiddle. She was so very joyous and noone was treating me like I was a normal person, but instead I got picked at from the start. First thing mother did was to treat me like a child and began pesturing me over not having a sweater. After telling her trillion times I was fine my sister-in-law (from the States) gave me one. Perhaps to make mother shut up. She and her husband, my golden boy brother, were there too and that was the major difference from the last time. The other one was that my sisters mother-in-law was not. So the atmosphere were nothing like the last time, and it did not take mother and her favorite son long to start bullying me about the next and much worse matter.

That matter was our dad. So I was as I told you earlier on, very tired from severe anemia at the time, and you can clearly see it on me how sick I am on the photos, and I kept telling them that I had neither energy nore means to do what they demanded of me. And I had not freaking time left over, as I was already too overwhelmed with everything, that the hours given us every day was not enough. Our home was from hence on slowly slumming up, as I didn't get enough done to keep up. All this knew mother very well, and I was confiding in her all these years how everything got harder and harder for me to do. She was well informed and had herself told me I needed to look for health advice, so I'd get myself checked over. This was no secret to her, neither was my miscarriage the year before, or that I earlier this year had gotten really upset with her as she was only demanding me to do something about the woman dad had gotten himself married to. I told her to stop pesturing me over this issue, or to demand me to go and stay with them, when she fully well knew I had alot on my plate as it was, with four children and animals and a home to take care of. She knew I was neglecting to take care of myself, and if you look upon it this way it's clear she truly wanted me to neglect myself. Or she'd not been one of the worst to bully me to go and live with dad, and to visit him all the time, when she knew fully well that it was too much for me at the time. 
None of them have ever taken care of four children and many animals, nore had the total responsibility of an household on their shoulders. They've always had much less to take care of and in their twisted minds one child is the same as four. No, it's four times more work. Mother dumped her three children on strangers from I was 2 years old, so there you have her experience. You can just dump your children and go and do what you please. That's her solution to my dilemma. Not a second she'd even concider that it was my responsibility to take care of my children, and if she or someone else of the mob, harassing me that christmas, wished something else to be done, they sure as hell could go and do it themselves. I have never in my life done to another what them three did to me that christmas. I've never stood infront of a severely ill person, who's burnt out, overwhelmed with duties, and harassed her over stuff I wanted her to do. I could never dream of treating another living being so cruel as to guilttrip a caring, helpful being for not being able to do all they want out of her. Ever since that christmas I've never sat my foot in my sisters home again and I never will. She just stood there and let them shift all the guilt of not doing enough onto me. She had eyes to see with and I have photos from that christmas, and it's clear as a day that I'm dead tired. I look so very tired, and I most certainly do not look well.

The following years I kept looking worse and worse and I'm sure that was wonderful news for all who wished me un-well. I'm being sarcastic here, but it's obvious to me now that these folks cares ratface for me or my health. If I am still alive they demand me to do whatever their mad as a madhatters brains make up I should do. Supposingly it's now my fault dad died too, since I'm not truly GOD so I could not heal his ticker. In my opinion I did the least to cause him problems with his heart, as I never went around screaming, demanding or bullying him, like one of our siblings did. I will tell you however I only have seen one of them do this, and I can also tell you that the oldest son was very helpful to his father and not causing him concern deliberatly, but only cause his family was in a very tight spot after they both got ill and didn't work anymore. When my brother got better and did want to work he's had problems with smear getting through to the employer and he's been let off jobs he'd been promissed in very odd and peculiar ways. I'm sure someone smeared him and that's what I've told him, as the reaction he told me about was that of a person suddenly changing their minds, due to information someone so very "thoughtfully" been giving them. Beware of false information about people, as most of it will be utter smear and lies. Good people rarely speak about others in that way, and even more rarely bother to call and tell about things they know.
Advice to those who cannot get away from their abusers!
Speaking about smear, these people have been having what they themselves call "an hate campaign" going on ever since 2013. The main content of their campaign is that I'm having a camgaign about them. So they claim they've been talking to everyone (that they know that I know, I guess they mean with that, or just everyone they know) and everyone hearing about what I'm supposingly doing, as those actually having a campaign claim so, agree with them that what I am - supposingly doing - is very bad. So, when it in fact is proven, by statements like that, it is them having an hate campaign about me, they are theyselves admitting to do something that everyone think is wrong. Isn't that another pearl for you? I've had feedbacks from people who read smear about me on Facebook, and those reveiving it via the phone, but also straight in the face. If they wish to talk ill about me there is nothing I can do about it, but it gets pretty ridiculous when those doing the actual smearing are the ones blaming their victim. But that's what liars do - they make up new lies to cover up their old ones and their abuse of their victims never ends. I've known my whole life that it would be useless to ask any of them to regret anything they've done to me that caused me harm in any way shape or form. It might be emotionally harm, economic harm or like with the smear, social harm. The fact is well known to me, that I'm not worth the bother to any of them. They rather crush me more, then lift me up by acknowledging my feelings and reality.

I think that was enough about the christmases and why they've been such a terrible thing in the past. We did have a wonderful christmas in 2012, and inspite the horrible things my family of origin had done to me during 2013 we could enjoy that one too. Now in 2014 I was told that they were right to abuse me by the lawyer that our sister most likely took in to settle the estate, so that ruined that christmas for me, as being a human being with the worth the same as other human beings is all I demand to have, and he took it away. He still claims that I might have less value still up till this week. That includes my oldest brother, the one who'd helped out on the farm alot. The lawyer got really abusive and rude when my brother mentioned a little of all he'd done, and kept saying that he was a lesser human being then his brother. So the lawyer is a piece of shit, no big surprise as I believe most lawyers today are pieces of shit. When he ruined my christmas by telling me and my oldest brother that we had not the same worth as his younger brother, and my younger sister, I got absolutely furious. I have said it before and will say it again, that I've not felt such utter rage towards anyone since the killing of the kitties. That is cause of my many nightmares where strangers pushed me away from my dad and his homestead. I wanted to go there and visit, as I was his daughter, but every time there are strangers there saying I have no right to be there. It culminated with them physichally trying to push me out from the farm.
A few months later was the ridiculous 50th birthday party the closest siblings and my mother were to organize for me. On the photos taken before the party started you can clearly see how first my sister pushes me out of the picture, and then you can see that on the next photo also the oldest brother is pushed out. I love those photos as they so clearly show that all their speach about how we must pull our weight and help out didn't mean that we should have any equal claims to the estate or were equally much children of dads. They push us out of the picture and make sure that them two stands behind our parents, with their sons by their sides. It's so sick to watch those photos as it's how it truly is, and they are too sick puppies to see anything wrong with the picture. I'm sure the stupid lawyer is too sick to see how wrong that picture is too. These two bullies are NOT more dad's children, nore do they in any way shape or form have more connections to their roots nore to the estate our grandparents bought in the 30's. It's equally all ours to inherent and any other claims from either them or any of the sick and twisted co-operating minions they can come up with are just pure bullying. At the present our brother, the golden one, is doing his actually happening hate campaign about me, spreading out that I'm doing all I'm supposingly doing, to spite him and get everything for myself. That is so ridiculous as I begged him to move back home to Sweden and to buy out our sister together with the oldest brother and me. Why would I beg him to do that if I had it in for him?

In my eyes he's the one doing the dirty on me - sibling wise - as he stabbed me in the back and sided with sister when she started to defame me, spread lies about me and her husband threatened me with the police for refusing to sign over a house on her, against the will of our dad. I am still the only one of us siblings that has read that bloody paper, and today the closest brother thinks I should just forget about all this abuse they put me through, and to me it's clear he's understood the whole time I was the thruthteller and he still sided with our sister and helped her defame me and spread lies about me. How evil can a person get, I wonder? If he truly had believed her, and honestly was fooled by her, I'd get him. But I've read all his mails many times now and it's clear as a day that he gets the truth and he begs our brother to shut me up about the paper I'd read. Why? Of some weird reason like our sister would sell her share then, but that was what we all wanted her to do so it's just as crazy as the thing mother did when she phoned me back and yelled at me for all the things she'd neglected to take into account, like the tsunami victims. All of this behavior is too crazy for me to handle and I quickly realized that back in May 2013 and made a video with the picture of a crazy goth chick who was to kill a white bunny (bunny boiling crazy?) and the text from Alice in Wonderland, about getting crazy if you walk among crazy people.
I put that picture first in my video, where I had put my recorded memory of how I remember the event my sister denies has happened - me reading her paper on a house dad owned. I put it on a recording while I still had the memories freshly remembered, as we tend to forget and mix up stuff after awhile. I put it on the internet, but didn't use any surnames on living persons that was presently in use. I did to be able to share my memory with my sister and I sent her the link and another link to a poem I've made after her husband more or less called me a liar to my husband, which was extreamly rude of him as he totally seemed to be in on fixing me up as the "nasty one claiming to have read the paper". At that time when I wrote the poem I didn't know if he knew she was the liar, or if he was innocent. But after his reactions, after my sister passed on my mail with the links to him, I was 99% sure he was totally in on it. It was cause my sister had acted all insulted and hurt by my actions, and like she was convinced I was feeling mentally ill and that was the reason I said I'd read her paper. And such nasty stuff, of played victimhood. So she wrote all the stuff on top of my mail, where I urged my sister (privately) to do the decent thing and come clean so we could resolve this mess, like sensible people. But instead she used my plea, my memory, my oath to make it more substantial and not only something I whisped together, as she totally knows that I believe in such things as oaths and also curses. I'm a huge believer in the power of the curse.

Since she knew that I added a dreadful curse to the oath (that the one taking the oath and lying would be cursed with the most horrible of all happening to them, or if it was that it was to be taken away from them - I don't remember the curse anymore really) she also knew it was bad replying to it with lies. So my sister choosed all by free will to answer to that challenge with a lie and she smeared me and made me out as a crazy person who's been stalking her for weeks. Totally nuts, all of it, as that was the only private mail I sent to her from the time she started to lie about her showing me the paper. Why I am talking about all this now is cause all this lying, that I'm a crazy bitch taking everything from these poor innocent victims is the reason the lawyer ruined christmas 2014 for the whole family, as he told me and my children, just like our dear relatives up north, that we were lesser beings, just like our insulting and rude relatives to the south have been claiming for eternity. Mother must had been thrilled to hear about the lawyers attitude, which totally confirmed all her years of abuse and belittlement of the two children she'd rejected as too ALIKE our father. So the lawyer actually told mother that the two children that are most like dad, the person he should be concidering, are the two children least connected to him. There is no such thing as the lawyer said in an inheritance, that some of the biological children are less connected. He tried to make it about the estate, but it got even more ridiculous when he did. He claimed that a son, who moved away to the other side of the planet, 11 years before dad died, where more connected then a sister who at the same time moved one hour drive away.
The lawyer also claimed that a sister who moved to a big town a few years before dad died, and had not one tiny interest in farm life, where more connected then the oldest brother who'd a few years ago had moved out of a big town to come closer to dad and to live on the countryside. It was totally bonkers all the lawyer said, and it had no foundation in reality. My oldest brother wanted to keep the farm from day one, his sister did never ever want to keep it. And this fucktard of lawyer knew this fully and totally. And still he sat there in October and lied straight into my face that it ment so much to her. Did it? Why did she accept our offer so fast then, if that farm ment so much to her? Cause money means alot to her and the lawyers job was to get her money. Our offer on the farm is a good deal and will give her much more then she will get if she lets our crazy brother in the US fuck everything up. She used him to mess with me, as her attack dog, just like he'd attacked her whenever she said something he didn't like. The only difference is that I did not send him to attack her, but I helped her to stop his attacks on her. And how does the bitch thank me? By lying and sending him to destroy me. I could not read a word he said for months, as it was so awful to read how mean he was. I blocked him from the day I told him I would block him in May 2013. And I had before that written a poem about his betrayal. This was the final one. The end.

Queen Angelica - Fairyland Poetry